Scene #3 - Making Of "Moon Men From Venice"

(A young man walks into his living room over to his entertainment center where his DVD collection sits. He pulls the DVD off the top, and we see that it is Nick Faldo’s film "Moon Men From Venice". He puts the DVD in his player, and it starts up. The Menu screen comes up, which is a picture of Nick Faldo wearing a shirt that says Moon Man. To his right are the selections: Play Movie; Play Movie In Reverse; and The Making Of "Moon Men From Venice". The Making Of featurette is selected and begins to play. The first thing we see is director Nick Faldo sitting in a director’s chair)
Nick - When I first got the idea for Moon Men From Venice, I was just coming off my last movie, The Giant Duck, which was a real artistic breakthrough for me. I wish it’d made some money, because it really made a statement, but I guess that all the great directors have had that one film that grossed zero dollars. (laughs) And in my case, there have been five.
Mary - (beneath Mary is the title card "Mary Garrett - Producer") Nick called me one night, about two in the morning, and I was really going to let him have it. I was about to say, "Look, Nick. I’m really getting sick and tired of your ridiculous so-called movies, and if you call here again, my husband is going to bash in your head with a tire iron". But he didn’t give me the chance to say anything. He just starting ranting and raving about this new script he had just written. He said it was the best thing he’d ever done, and he wanted to start filming in an hour.
Nick - Sometimes, I get a little too excited when I finish a new script. The ideas just seem so fresh, and if I don’t start making the movie right away, I feel like it gets stale. One time I wrote this movie about a bunch of teenaged cannibal senior citizens, and instead of filming the movie that night, I slept on it. When I woke up in the morning, I read over the script, and it was just terrible. What a horrible ridiculous piece of dreck it was. I probably shouldn’t have ended up making the movie, but I was really, really bored just sitting around the house.
Mary - I fell asleep for a good three hours while Nick was on the phone, but when I woke up, that moron was still just going on and on. It’s what I’ve come to expect from Nick Faldo. So anyway,  I told him I’d come over to his house and take a look at what he’d written.
Nick - It’s not really my house. It’s actually my parents place. But they don’t charge me rent, so that helps out a lot.
Mary - As always, the script was written on about six thousand post-its. I’m always getting on him to write his movies on full-sized paper, for God’s sake, but he says that post-its help lubricate his creative process. (longish pause) I don’t really know what that means.
Nick - My producer Mary really took to the script. Usually, after she reads one of my scripts for the first time, she puts her head in her hands and weeps for hours. These huge choking sobs. I think it’s because the story really touches her. But after she read Moon Men, she looked at me and said, "Nick, this movie is finally going to win us that Oscar".
Mary - After I read Moon Men, I looked at him, and his big dumb grinning face, and I said, "Nick, this movie couldn’t be any worse if it was written by a half-retarded monkey named Oscar." And then I wept for hours. These huge choking sobs. (shakes head and stares off into the distance, blank-eyed)
Nick - We immediately started casting, because we had to get this movie made before the script got stupid. Usually, I tend to play all the roles in a film because no one else really understands the subtext and the deep meaning behind the characters. But this time, I felt like we needed a new face, just to mix things up, and that face was Candace Newton.
Candace - I’ve wanted to be an actor ever since I was a little girl. It was my lifelong dream. But now that I’ve been in a Nick Faldo film, I never, ever want to step foot in front of a camera again. I mop floors at the Burger King these days, and go to twice-weekly therapy sessions. (shakes head and stares off into space) They aren’t working.
Mary - The title of this film is Moon Men From Venice, and I was really hoping that that was a metaphor for something. But no, it’s really about a bunch of moon men who come from Venice. And they don’t even DO anything. And there’s just one of them! And at one point in the script, he mentions being from Detroit. It’s really annoying, but I learned several films ago not to point out the plot holes, because it just sends Nick into a rage.
Nick - I admit that sometimes, I get a little angry when people try to tell me things that are wrong in my films. Back when I was shooting "The Thing That Wouldn’t Die", there was a scene where the thing died. And Mary tried to tell me this, like I didn’t know. I wrote the script, okay. I know what’s going on there.
Mary - Actually, what I asked him wasn’t why the thing died, it was why the thing was never alive at any point during the movie.
Nick - Subtext!
Candace - In Moon Men, I play Candace Newton, the girl that discovers the Moon Men. I thought maybe that something would happen after that, but it doesn’t. I stand there for the rest of the movie while the Moon Man dances and sings.
(A scene from Moon Men From Venice plays. Candace stands in the middle of a garage while Nick Faldo, in the Moon Man t-shirt, dances around her)
Nick -  I am the Moon Men! I am the Moon Men!
            I come from Venice! I come from Detroit!
            I am the Moon Men! I am the Moon Men!
            Subtext, perspective, I come from Detroit!
Nick - The script for this movie is so rich. It really pushes the edge. I wanted to make a realistic science fiction movie, but also a musical. Moon Men From Venice is what came from this desire. It’s really a synthesis of the two art forms. I tried to reveal the character along the narrative, and in playing the Moon Men, I’m very impressed by what I brought to the character. I’ve really got stunning range.
Candace - We spent ten minutes filming the movie, and somehow it’s over two hours long. I still don’t understand that.
Mary - Nick decided about ten minutes into the shoot that he was hungry and the movie was good enough. Then he edited the film, making it 130 minutes long. If you look close, you can see how he did it. He just runs it thirteen times back to back. It’s a classic Nick Faldo trick. His third film, The Astounding Smart Man was almost nine hours long, because he looped it some sixty-five times. Say what you will about the quality of his little crap movies, Nick is probably the only director in Hollywood that can make a nine-hour movie for eight bucks and some change.
(A new man comes on screen. The title says "Fick Naldo", and it is obviously just Nick with his shirt turned inside out and a blond wig on)
Fick - Mr. Faldo is a master of his craft. His films are very character driven and always stay true to the plot. He creates this visceral emotional action. I mean, each frame of his movie carries a poetry. The way he uses the camera is stunning too. No one puts a camera on a tripod and hits play like I do. I mean, like Nick Faldo does.
Candace - I’m proud to say I’ve sued Nick for emotional damages and my lawyer is very confident that I’ll win the case. The money will be nice, but it’s still not going to erase the memory. I’ll never be who I was ever again. I used to be a very together person, but after this experience, I spend hours and hours just weeping into my hands. These huge choking sobs. (begins to tear up) I’m sorry. I can’t go on.
Mary - People often ask me, including my husband, why I keep producing Nick Faldo’s films. I have no idea. It’s not really so bad, I guess. I only have to give up about an hour once or twice a month. And there’s also another plus-side. I know that when I die, even if I go to hell, it can’t possibly be any worse than being Nick Faldo’s producer. (gives a brave smile, then begins to tear up) I’m sorry. I can’t go on.
Nick - I am more proud of Moon Men From Venice than I’ve ever been about any other movie I’ve ever made. This movie is my Graceland. But I’m not one to take my success for granted. I’ve already finished work on my next script, and if possible, it’s ever better than Moon Men. It’s about these living dead baggage handlers. It is really some world class writing.
(We see Mary weeping into her hands being consoled by her husband)
Husband - It’s okay, honey. It’s really okay. (holds up a tire iron and looks around with rage) Where is he?! Oh, I’m gonna kill that son of a...
Nick - I am a filmmaker, and I’m one of the luckiest people in the world, because I found what I love to do, and I do it well.
Fick - God bless Nick Faldo. That’s what it all boils down to.
Nick - (looking around) Is that all? Am I done? Okay, cool. Say, can I have a copy of this interview? I think it’d make a fantastic movie if I inverted the colors and deleted all the sound.
(Fades to black)