Bar Wars - Episode IV: A New Dope - Featured Parody #1

What, you might ask, is Hirschmerff?  Hirschmerff is the product of the new millenium.  It is the perfect household cleaner, is delicious and refreshing, will make your headaches go away, works as an effective insecticide, makes your furniture shine like nothing else ever could, is lemony fresh, and is better than any waterproof mascara around!  Hirschmerff is, was, and forever will be the greatest liquid product ever produced by Commercial Parodies.  It's made with a secret formula which we won't tell you because it is secret.  Well, that and the fact that we could be arrested if it ever got out that we made this stuff.  Let's just say that it includes the necessary products to do everything listed above and a few more products for good measure.  Mix it all together and put it in a Dr. Pepper can and you've got Hirschmerff.  Place your orders today!

Caution: Keep Hirschmerff out of reach of children and anything else that breathes and most things that don't.  Avoid prolonged possession of this product, as it has been known to eat through the container and wreak havoc in nearby cities.  Radiation and Hirschmerff don't mix well.

In the earlier years of this show we joined host Bob Itt to view hilarious video-taped deaths while listening to Bob's stupid voices make the videos 'funnier.'  Inbetween video segments, Bob talked to members of the audience, usually making fun of them, sometimes maiming them.  In the end we were always surprised to find out that the winning video would be one entitled "Man Walking Down Street" which was a hilarious capture of a man... um... walking down the street.  It was pure comedy gold.
The later years brought us two new hosts: a ditzy, bosomy supermodel named Dazey and a nameless man whose purpose was to keep Dazey company and ended up spending much of his time staring at her bosominess.  But even with the numerous changes that came with the new hosts (actually, the hosts were the only change) we were still happily surprised to see that "Man Walking Down Street" would always emerge victorious over all other competitors.

Side Note: "Man Walking Down Street" was never an actual video played on the show, but that didn't keep it from winning every single time.

When we last saw Luke Beerwalker, he was with his friends at the Hoth Pub, getting plastered in celebration of the destruction of the Death Vodka, the horrible bad thing that Officer Vader had at the police station.  Before long, Luke gets soooooo wasted, at which point Moby John Nairobi appears to him in a vision, telling him to seek out Bloata, the most powerful of the Red-Eye, who will teach him the ways of the Horse.  Luke responds by ordering another beer and singing a song about the "bare necessities."      Meanwhile, Officer Vader has dispatched his fellow officers to search through all the bars and find Luke, Prince Leia, and Rum Solo and make them pay for their destruction of the Death Vodka(by "pay," I mean he wants five bucks).  The officers immediately search through all the bars and, several hours later, find Luke, Leia, and Rum in the Hoth Pub, all of which are still quite plastered and are now trying to compose a song about chia pets.  Just as the officers are about to arrest the three drunks, the bartender announces that the bar is closed and that all drinking and singing and arresting will have to wait until the bar re-opens the next day.  Disappointed, the officers return to the police station empty handed.      In the morning, Luke sets sail for the DegoBar, where he is supposed to find Bloata.  It's not long at all before he arrives and finds Bloata, a drunken little midget with a Crowbar Saber.  Bloata teaches Luke the ways of the Red-Eye and the Horse, testing his strength and wits by seeing how many beers Luke can down in a minute and asking him nerve-racking questions like "How the heck do you 'set sail' in a car?"      At this time, Rum Solo, being the freelance attourney that he is, attends a trial at the High-Rise Tavern in which he defends the Tobacco Industry with the help of their press agent, Chewbacco, a guy who's just naturally hairy because he's Italian.  But the police officers are there waiting for him and catch him by surprise (they say "boo").  They take him to the High-Rise Jail but find that all the cells are full, so they throw him in an industrial freezer.      Having learned of Rum's unfortunate circumstances, Luke leaves Bloata, all Horsed up, and goes to the High-Rise Jail.  He finds Rum and rescues him with the help of his newly learned Horse abilities, which include biting and pretend crying.  On his way out, he is confronted by Officer Vader.  He attempts to fight off Vader with his Red-Eye skills, but has trouble reaching for his Crowbar Saber because he has a large, frozen man on his back.  While Luke is trying to reach his weapon, Officer Vader shoots him in the hand with the deadly Gun Saber and the hollow tipped bullets that come from within.  Luke starts screaming about how much it hurts and how Officer Vader's a "freakin' jerk" and Officer Vader, frightened of a police brutality lawsuit, flees the scene.      Luke returns to the bar, with a frozen friend and a big hole in his hand, and does what any sane person would do under those circumstances.  He buys some beer.  He also finds that he's beginning to find Prince Leia attractive, which only makes him want to drink more.  And through hours and hours of drinking, he mumbles the same thing over and over: "I don't like him, I don't like him..."

The Characters and their "real" counterparts: Luke Beerwalker - Luke Skywalker Rum Solo - Han Solo C-3BO - C-3PO R.U.D.U.I. - R2-D2 Officer Vader - Darth Vader Prince Leia - Princess Leia Moby-John Nairobi - Obi-Wan Kenobi Bloata - Yoda Chewbacco - Chewbaca

"Happy Rabbit was a-rompin' through the forest when..." was the way that this parody always began.  Unlike the C.P. Mailbag columnist who is a guy in rabbit suit, Happy Rabbit was an actual rabbit who happily romped through the forest, as rabbit's do, and had many adventures in the forest.  What kind of aventures, you might ask?  The kind of adventures where he was often captured by hunters or animal testing facilities, etc.  He's been shot, had rocks thrown at him, had dangerous chemicals tested on him, poked with cattle prods...  Just name your poison and I can guarantee it's been shoved down his throat.  Twice.

Following in the footsteps of Happy Rabbit were two more parodies.  The first featured Happy Squirrel, which was mostly just the same has Happy Rabbit except that he had a long bushy tail which, of course, served to provide even more ways for him to be tormented.  The second featured Happy Rabid Badger, whom was submitted to the same tortures as the other two, but instead of taking it like a harmless little forest creature, he made sure to take a couple of people down with him.

When we left our plucky drunken heros, Luke Beerwalker was keeping busy by honing his Red-Eye skills (by drinking, of course) and trying to figure out how to thaw out Rum Solo (by drinking, of course).  Before long, Luke discovers that if he sticks a frozen man in the sun, he'll get thawed out real good.  But in the midst of all this freezing and drinking and thawing and drinking some more, the two barflies had lost track of Prince Leia.  They return to Rum's apartment to search for her and find a note on the door that reads "Gone to the High-Rise Tavern to return Rum's key and get captured by Jabba the Sherriff for the sake of Episode VI's plot.  --Prince Leia"      Rum panics because he's missing the key to his apartment and, thus, his vast liquor cabinet and tells Luke that they must rescue Leia, all the while wishing he had never given a key to Leia so that "he could... um... watch my plants... dog... food.  Yes."  The two of them quickly make their way to the High-Rise Jail and stealthily (by stealthily, I mean drunkenly) sneak into the prison chamber to find Prince Leia dressed in a skimpy gold thing and repeating to himself that Jabba is "a sick, sick sherriff."  Leia is quickly released, and Luke begins to masterfully use the powers of the Horse to escape the High-Rise Jail.  But the three of them are soon found and captured because, well, Horsey noises are loud.      Jabba takes the drunkards in front of a firing squad and gives the order to fire, only to find that the firing squad is made up of Red-Eye's.  And as every Red-Eye's dream would foretell, they turn their guns on Jabba.  He thinks quickly and leaps through a window to escape the gunfire, not stopping to think that the building is called a "high-rise" for a reason.      With Leia free and Jabba out of the way, everybody leaves the High-Rise Jail to go to the DegoBar, where Bloata has put together quite a feast for them.  But Luke learns that Bloata is slowly dying of alcohol poisoning (a very nobel death for a Red-Eye) by carefully observing the clues given by Bloata dying while screaming the words "I've got alcohol poisoning!"  But before he dies, he reveals to Luke that Leia is his brother and Officer Vader is his mother.  Luke, deeply shocked by the recent events as well as this surprising information, drinks a beer and does a funny dance.      Meanwhile, Officer Vader and the cops begin to construct a new, bigger Death Vodka with an even higher alcohol content than the first and even more potential to do some sort of bad thing.  As the Death Vodka nears completion, Officer Vader sets a plan into motion which involves testing the Death Vodka on the Endor/Outdoor Rummery, home of the exclusive E-Walk Syndicate.  The three adventurers catch wind of this evil plan, and they do exactly what morality would dictate: they drink some more beer.      Well, at this point in time, Luke decides that he's sick of the whole Bar Wars trilogy, so he decides to turn himself in to Officer Vader in hopes that such an action will bring the parody to an end.  His plan is quite clever, but still unsuccessful as his mother, Officer Vader decides not to throw him in jail at all.  Instead she tries to persuade him to join the police force.  Luke considers the possibility but turns her down.  Hi reasoning is that she'd been a good mother, despite the constant trying to kill him and everything, but he knew he would never be able to live a sober life, no matter how he tried.  Officer Vader intends to let her son leave, but the Mayor protests to his release, citing such reasons as "he's a friggin' criminal!!!"  Officer Vader takes the obvious course of action and shoots the mayor with her gun saber, declaring herself to be "King of the World."  She enjoys a short reign as King until the other cops come to arrest her because she killed the mayor, and they seem to think that's a crime.  Luke returns to the DegoBar and learns from Rum and Leia that the Death Vodka had pretty much self-destructed on it's own, simply because it was a shoddily built government project.  Go figure.      And so our story comes to an end, and I believe it has taught us all a valuable lesson.  And that valuable lesson is that you should not, under any circumstances, put whipped cream in Pepsi.

The Characters and their "real" counterparts: Luke Beerwalker - Luke Skywalker Rum Solo - Han Solo Officer Vader - Darth Vader Prince Leia - Princess Leia Bloata - Yoda Jabba the Sherriff - Jabba the Hut The Mayor - The Emperor

I'm sure everyone remembers the classic show on the FOX network from the creator of the "X-Files" that we all affectionately called "Millenium."  Okay, so realistically nobody remembers it, and those of us who do all affectionately called it a reason to never watch FOX again.  Nevertheless, we at C.P. took advantage of this show's existence and came up with one of the most memorable parodies ever: "Trillenium."
Following the basic storyline of the original show, "Trillenium" followed the adventures of Frank White who, week after week, sought out to be creepy and know who the killer was.  And week after week, he succeeded at doing just those things.  We're fairly certain that each episode contained some sort of thing that we called a plot, but Frank White's excessive creepiness never really allowed us to ever figure out what the plot was.  However, there was one thing that we were always sure of.  Every time we did this parody, there was one thing that we could always count on: Frank White knows who the killer is.  We typically never actually determined who that was, but he assured us that he knew.  And years later, I'm still convinced.

What do you get when you cross a popular children's book series with the "magic" of Commercial Parodies?  Something so bad that it was the most awesome thing ever.  This parody included two main characters who would travel out on an adventure and come to certain obstacles along the way.  At these obstacles, the two adventurers would adamantly shout "stop" and turn to the audience and let them decide what course of action should be taken.  Then, with as much feeling and determination as before, the two "heroes" would shout "right!  okay!  go!" and then continue on as the audience had instructed them.  This typically happened once every fifteen seconds or so, usually allowing for only one or two lines of dialogue between choices.  Well, more often than not, the choices given to the audience were regarding pretty inane things, like whether to cross the street at the corner or at the crosswalk.  The adventurers typically tried to stay out of harm's way, because the sad truth is that the audience would send them into the path of danger in the blink of an eye.  Why?  Because they're sicker in the head than the creators of the show.

This is really one of those parodies that, in one way or another, really personifies every good and bad aspect of the C.P. show, from our sick humor to our violent humor and everything inbetween.  Now, you may be wondering how we could possibly take such a lovable kids show and eternally curse it with the mark of C.P.  Well, read on and you'll find out how.  And you will hate us forever.
Sesame Bun Street was one of those parodies that kept coming back over and over again, mainly because it had a couple of classic characters that, through their quirky personalities, made the parody very memorable.  Not that that's ever really been an altogether good thing.  Now, the show was built around the kids, of course, and the strange inhabitants of Sesame Bun Street that interacted with them.  Among these inhabitants was Large Bird, a very irate black bird with a very sharp metal beak which he always tried to attack the children AND the adults with.  Large Bird had a huge, controversial, elephant type friend that went by the name of (I apologize in advance) Mr. Snuggleupwithyou.  For the sake of us all, I'm going to leave that unexplained and move on to Gert and Bernie, or as we liked to call them, the odd couple.  Once again, I'm not going to delve into too much detail, but suffice to say that by the way this parody usually went, you'd be right to wonder if you should be reading into the word "couple."  In addition to all that, Bernie was also known to spend time in the tub singing to his favorite bathtime friend, a rubber giant squid.  It really was a beautiful thing.  Also personifying some of the cruer years of C.P. was everybody's favorite little wild-eyed red monster, Killmo.  He was kind of a psycho, but I won't spend much time going into that, because the name really says it all.  Just imagine Charles Manson as a puppet.  And last but not least was Oscar the Jerk.  Now, we all know how Oscar the Grouch was kind of a grumpy old thing who liked to sit in his garbage can all day and get annoyed by anything and everything that came his way.  Well, Oscar the Jerk was just a really angry man who lived in a real dump and found joy in the misfortunes of others... and often in causing those misfortunes.
Needless to say, every kid on that show spent every moment fearing for his or her life, and dreading whatever moment might be coming next.  And after every time we did that parody, we were always left wondering why the kids stayed in such a horrible place for more than one episode.  But the answer was always that they stayed solely so that we'd be able to do the parody again.

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