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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode XXXV
(An Equal and Opposite Reaction)
Original Airdate -
October 4th, 2006
CPPres somehow manages to get a job as a bartender at a local strip club. He is delirious with joy. In fact, he's so happy that when Moog comes over, CPPres doesn't even tell him to cram it, instead bragging about his new employment. A few hours later, it's time for CPPres to head off to his first night of work, but he has trouble finding his car keys. He tears his apartment apart looking for the keys, but it is to no avail. They are nowhere to be found.
Completely irate at the fact that he is going to miss his first night of work at the most awesome job ever, CPPres accuses Moog of stealing his car keys, a charge Moog denies. "You probably left them in the ignition or something", Moog says, to which CPPres loudly replies, "Cram it, key thief!" CPPres then says that since Moog stole his keys, he is going to steal something of Moog's. Unfortunately, the only thing of Moog's CPPres can find is a Payday candy bar, which he angrily takes and eats right in front of Moog. However, it turns out CPPres has a peanut allergy he did not know about, and goes into convulsions. Moog sighs and takes CPPres to get medical treatment. Luckily, Moog finds CPPres' car keys in the ignition of his car and is able to get him to the hospital in time.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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It’s the beginning of October, which means that Christmas is right around the corner. You know, the kind of corner that takes almost three months to get around. We know that trying to come up with the perfect gift for everyone on your list can be a real hassle, which is why C.P. On-Line is happy to announce that we’ve come up with a BRAND NEW batch of Official C.P. On-Line Merchandise. Just think about how excited your friends and family will be when they open up their presents, and instead of a Nintendo Wii or a plasma screen TV, you’ve gotten them Official C.P. On-Line Merchandise! Well… no. How about if you don’t think about that. Instead, why don’t you have a few more beers and browse our latest merchandise catalogue, which is chock full of the kind of incredible non-returnable merchandise you’ve come to expect from C.P. On-Line. Did we mention it’s non-returnable? Eh. It’s not important. Have another beer.
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October 2006 Edition
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C.P. On-Line Fire Extinguisher
“Safety first!” is something we say all the time here at C.P. On-Line, which is why it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense that we are selling all our fire extinguishers. At first, it was supposed to be the punchline to a joke. Something along the lines of “Our comedy is hot, like fire! Put it out! Put it out!” And then we realized that we might be able to make some money, so the next thing you know, we’re pulling all the fire extinguishers off the walls and packing them in FedEx boxes. To be honest, it’s probably not THAT big of a deal, because we’re pretty sure there was never anything in the fire extinguishers in the first place. Anyways, protect your family and get a good laugh with a C.P. On-Line Fire Extinguisher, because even if it’’s empty, you could always throw it at the fire, which MIGHT put it out. You never know. Safety first!
Our Price: $88.99
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Cuddly “The Chicken” Doll
Of all the columnists at C.P. On-Line, everyone’s favorite one is The Chicken. (All the other columnists are in a tie for “least favorite”) And now, you can finally own your very own Chicken, in doll form. The Chicken doll is made of soft plush fabric and filled with actual feathers from The Chicken, who sheds a lot. The Chicken doll looks so much like his namesake that we might send you the real Chicken by accident. Ha-ha! (If we DO end up sending you the real Chicken, you might want to give him some space, because he’s going to be pissed)
By the way, we briefly planned to sell Roger Chapman dolls, until someone pointed out that the Roger Chapman doll was just a Barbie with a mustache painted on it. Too bad, because the Roger Chapman doll had SO MANY accessories!
Our Price: $17.99
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C.P. On-Line Fortune Cookies
While exploring in the Orient, World Famous Treasure Hunter Zach Snyder learned the ancient secret to making the perfect fortune cookie. Apparently, the secret is “butter”. But whatever is in them, they’re delicious, and we’d love to share them with you, the loyal readership. For a price, of course. Each box of C.P. On-Line Fortune Cookies contains ten handmade cookies, made by Zach Snyder himself, and each containing a fortune that is so accurate, it will kind of creep you out. There are a total of two fortunes available, including “You just ate a fortune cookie” and “These fortunes are printed on paper that is 75% non-toxic!” Collect all two!
Our Price: $5.00 per box
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CPayday Bar
If you love peanuts, you’re going to love our new candy bar. All it is is peanuts and caramel. It doesn’t get much pea-nuttier than that! Now, there’’s a chance you are thinking to yourself, “Isn’t there already a candy bar that’s very similar to this, except spelled better?” Yes, that’s true, but there are some subtle differences between a CPayday Bar and a Payday Bar. For example, a Payday Bar is full of real wholesome crunchy roasted peanuts and sweet chewy caramel. A CPayday Bar, on the other hand, is a bunch of peanuts thrown in a brown paper lunch sack and tied at the top with twine. And if some caramel happens to fall into the bag before we tie it up, all the better, right? Also, a Payday bar has a salty taste to it, while a CPayday Bat doesn’t, because we sucked all the salt off the peanuts before we threw them in the bag. And most of the peanuts are still in their shells. Hmmm… maybe we should have stopped writing after “pea-nuttier”. Tell you what, just ignore the majority of the previous paragraph and order a delicious CPayday Bar today! You won’t regret it unless you eat it!
Our Price: $1.49 per bar
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C.P. On-Line Mobile
How would you like to turn your existing car into a mobile advertisement for our website? We’re going to pretend you said “yes” and asked us to elaborate. If you purchase this item, actual members of our writing staff will come to your house in the dead of the night and spray paint “C.P. On-Line” all over your car and any other car we see until we run out of spray paint. And just like that, your lame 2007 Dodge Ram 4X4 becomes an awesome C.P. On-Line Mobile, spreading the word of our website wherever you go. And you will continue you spread the word for as long as you own your vehicle, because we use the kind of spray paint that doesn’t come off.
Our Price: $125.00 per car, $145.00 per truck (we will also spray paint C.P. On-Line on your pets for a reasonable fee)
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Water Water Everywhere
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No matter who you are or where you come from, one fact rings true. Water is the single most important substance on the planet, aside from maybe oil. Health officials suggest that each person drink at least eight gallons of water a day, and if you don’t, it is very possible that you will keel over and die. But what many consumers don’t realize is that while water is readily available these days, not all water is the same. How do you decide which is the RIGHT water for you and your family or mistress? The answer is simple: Genius Water.
Genius Water is the latest creation from Hydra Labs, and represents the very latest in state-of-the-art water technology. Whereas most water just quenches your thirst and keeps you alive, Genius Water goes a step further and actually makes you smarter. How does it accomplish such an amazing feat? Because Hydra Labs engineers it that way. We take water from our patented SmartTap, purify it, then send it through our incredible quadruple osmosis machine. After that, we dump it in a vat and add electrolytes and carbohydrates and other secret brain ingredients, specifically formulated to increase your genius smarts. You know Genius Water makes you smarter, because it says so on the label.
Not convinced? We asked our unbiased Hydra Lab science team, the same team that manufactures and distributes Genius Water, if Hydra Water would make you smarter, and they said, “Yes”. Unquote. How can you argue with scientists? Look, you can drink your Aquafina and your Dasani, and you can walk around town wearing your underwear as a shirt going, “Duh, I am a water drinky man! All the time is water time!”, or you can choose Genius Water and suddenly be able to name all nine planets. What? There are only eight planets now? Really? Huh…… I hadn’t heard about that.
Critics have said that Genius Water is actually no different from regular water and that Hydra Labs is just preying on people who are so stupid that they would actually think special fairy water could increase your intelligence. This is an outrageous accusation. We’ve got all kinds of facts and data that backs up our claims, but we misplaced them when we went to lunch. Don’t worry. We’ve got the secretary looking for them. The only thing you need to know is this: Genius Water make you smart. Drink. DRINK! And if you want to get even SMARTER, reach for Advanced Formula Genius Water, now containing hydrogen AND oxygen. We’ll probably release some flavored Genius Water too, because somebody accidentally dropped a strawberry in the vat.
So what are you waiting for, dummy? Get down to the store and buy Genius Water. Sure, it’s a little more expensive than regular water, but the more something costs, the better it is!
Genius Water - You Would Have To Be Stupid Not To Drink Genius Water
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