Bizarro Jerry (bi-zarre-o jair-ree)

Senior Graphic Specialist/Webmaster Of C.P. On-Line

      Bizarro Jerry recently celebrated his one-year anniversary here at C.P. On-Line. He has almost single-handedly transformed C.P. On-Line from a sad little text-heavy rarely updated comedy website into a sad little text-heavy comedy website that is updated weekly and has really good graphics. The quality of the writing around here is as bad as it ever was, but at least there are pretty pictures to look at. In fact, Bizarro Jerry is often courted by other websites who would like to hire him away, but he remains at C.P. On-Line because he has a strong sense of loyalty and also because somebody hid his car keys.

      Some people think Bizarro Jerry resembles a superhero due to his skin-tight spandex suit and his unnaturally gigantic muscles, but this is misleading. He only wears the suit because your typical clothing store does not sell garments that fit comfortably over his freakishly large body. And although we have not been able to confirm this conclusively, we suspect that his muscles are the result of heavy steroid abuse. We began to think this when he showed up for his first day of work, shook our hand, then said, “Please excuse me for a moment while I go heavily abuse steroids!” Finally, he DOES have a secret identity, as some superheroes do, but he claims the only reason for that is to “keep the feds off my back”. So yeah, Bizarro Jerry would like to make sure you realize that he’s a regular guy, just like you and me, but he also points out that there is no reason to test his urine.

Roger Chapman (rah-jur chap-men)

Junior Columnist

      Our newest addition here at C.P. On-Line, Roger Chapman was the winner of the “Be The New Columnist” contest we ran last summer. Roger comes from England, where comedy is a little different than it is here in the States. For example, after spending several hours with the writing staff, he was heard to say, ““When are you people going to start being funny?”, and we all laughed, because Roger has a silly accent.

      Roger is still trying to find where he fits in here, but until he does, we mostly just make him get us coffee. We have this really funny joke where when Roger walks in the room we say, “Hey look! It’s Mr. Belvedere!”, and then we laugh and point at him. It’s fun to have a new guy around.

Happy Rabbit (hap-pee rab-it)

Senior Columnist

      Of all the members of the current writing staff, nobody has been around longer than Happy Rabbit. All the young guys look up to him and ask him for advice, and his advice is always the same: “Get out of this place as fast as you can!” For most of the last year, Happy Rabbit was semi-retired, but he recently asked if he could return full-time, and we are glad to have him back. He spends nearly all day locked in his office, and when we knock, he yells at us to go away. There is a rumor going around that he is secretly working for our arch-rival “Comedy People”, but we doubt it, even though he is prominently listed on the Comedy People web-site as the “head writer”, whatever that means.

      You might be wondering what the deal is with the rabbit suit. We really don’t know. He’s worn it as long as we’ve known him and nobody feels comfortable enough to ask about it. But he doesn’t make a big deal out of it. You know, it’s not like, “Hey! Hey! Look at me! I’m wearing a RABBIT SUIT! I’m so WACKY!!” It’s more like the way that some people wear a dress shirt and a tie to work. He just wears a rabbit suit. Around here, it’s not that strange. Also, Happy Rabbit has a wife, a kid, and a house. We sometimes wonder how’s he able to afford to raise a family on the pathetic salary we pay him, but whenever we bring it up, he just says, “Look. It’s very simple. A) I’m embezzling from the company and B) Comedy People pays me very generously. Now get out of my office or I’m going to call security!” That silly Happy Rabbit! He’’s always got the jokes!

Zach Snyder (zack sni-der)

Columnist/World Famous Treasure Hunter

      For over forty years, Zach Snyder was a man of adventure, criss-crossing the planet in search of the most rare and exotic treasures. So we were really surprised when he was willing to give up this exciting lifestyle to work as a writer here at C.P. On-Line. Come to find out that the actual reason he’s here is because he believes there is hidden treasure in the basement. We’re pretty sure there isn’’t, but we aren’t World Famous Treasure Hunters, so who are we to argue?

      In theory, Zach is supposed to write a column called “Adventures In Discovery”” which chronicles the stories behind some of his most exhilarating adventures, but until we can get him out of the damn basement, that seems unlikely.

Captain Science (kap-ten si-ins)

Columnist/Science Editor

      It has been apparent for a long time that our comedy website is not very good at being entertaining. But maybe, we thought, our comedy website could try being informative! It was with this in mind that we hired Captain Science, who was supposed to dazzle our readers with interesting facts about the world of science. What we neglected to find out was that Captain Science has been fired from teaching science at several universities and also a community college because he does not know that much about science. It actually said that on his resume, but we missed it because we don’’t really like reading.

      Still, we signed him to a five-year contract, so we’re stuck with him. We figure that by the end of the five years, if we buy him lots of textbooks, he can learn enough about science to become useful. It’s slow going, though, because he doesn’t really like reading either. Last week, we gave him a pop quiz about astronomy, and he answered every question with “Outer space is a government conspiracy. Don’t believe the lies!” So we gave him a B-minus. 

The Chicken (the chik-in)

Columnist/Barnyard Animal

      The Chicken is a chicken. He occasionally writes a column called “Cluckings”, but mostly he goes to clubs, does blow, and sleeps with strippers. He is driven to work in one of those limos that is also a Hummer, and when people that piss him off, sometimes they disappear. To be honest, we are kind of scared of The Chicken. We think he’s using his office to sell arms to the Middle East, but we can’t be sure. But don’t get us wrong. He’s not a bad bird or anything. In fact, every Friday, he buys us lunch from Arby’s and pays with $100 bills. Also, his white feathers are soft and he enjoys being rubbed on the top of his head.

CPPres (cee-pee-prez)

Former Columnist/star of Keepin’ It Real

      CPPres co-created C.P. On-Line as a way to keep the world of Commercial Parodies alive for some horrible reason. He was a staff writer for several years before quitting the website to star in his own reality show, CPPres: Keepin’ It Real. Most television critics despise the show and often write scathing reviews of it, but somehow, perhaps BECAUSE of all the bad press, Keepin’ It Real has developed a weird cult following, mostly among college students who are not getting good grades.

      CPPres has a four-year old daughter, Mackenzie, who lives with his ex-wife, MsPres. There are some rumors that he is secretly dating Academy Award winning actress Anna Paquin (Fly Away Home; X-Men: The Last Stand), but most of those rumors come from CPPres, who is not the most reliable source. C.P. On-Line prints episode summaries of the latest episode of Keepin’ It Real each and every week, but we are not sure why.

Moog (moog)

Co-star of Keepin’ It Real 

      Moog is not technically a member of the writing staff, but he hangs around the office a lot. He was hired by the producers of Keepin’ It Real to help generate some conflict with CPPres, because conflict is more interesting than watching an idiot be a dumbass all by himself. The whole conflict thing has worked like a charm because CPPres HATES Moog. Hates him so much. “I don’t need a friggin’ co-star,” he sometimes says as he bangs his fist on the coffee table. “It’s called CPPres: Keepin’ It Real! Not Moog and Company, dammit!” But CPPres aside, everyone else seems to really like Moog. So while he was originally supposed to be here for only a couple of months, we’ve decided to keep him around permanently. CPPres is not happy. We do not care.