It’s the single most frustrating moment in the life of a human person. You’re just sitting there, minding your own business, and something in your house decides to break. Sometimes it’s the refrigerator. Sometimes it’s the light bulb in the den. Sometimes it’s the cat. But whatever it is, it’s never fun, because now you have to figure out how to fix it. And you don’t have a Ph.D. in Home Repair. Oh sure, you could call a repairman, but that’s going to cost you and arm and a leg, and besides, the repairman is probably trying to look up your dress. Repairmen are like that. So now you’’re stuck with the other option, fixing it yourself, but that opens up a whole new barrel of monkeys that are trying to look up your dress. What if you don’’t know HOW to fix the problem? And even if you DO know how to fix it, what if you don’t have the right tool for the job. Relax, folks, because that’s where we come into the picture.
Yes, it’s The Ultimate Tool, an amazing new tool from the tool experts here at Tool Ranch. We heard your complaints. You said that there were too many tools out there, and you bought them all, and now you have a giant toolbox full of tools that weighs three tons. And even though you’re pretty sure you have the right tool for the job in there somewhere, it’s impossible to find. You whined and moaned that it would sure be great if someone would make an all-in-one tool that combined everything you needed all in one tool. And even though we found that complaint to be somewhat redundant, we heard it, and we acted by creating The Ultimate Tool. What’s so great about The Ultimate Tool, you ask? Easy. On one end is a screwdriver and on the other end is a knife. A real sharp one. So you can cut what needs to be cut and then you can screw it into whatever it needed to be screwed into. It’s like an entire toolbox, all in the palm of your hand! (You might want to be careful putting The Ultimate Tool in the palm of your hand, because that knife will slice you up, right down to the tendons)
The Ultimate Tool is more than a screwdriver with a knife for a handle. It’s a complete home repair kit, perfect for a million uses around the home. For example, let’s go back to that broken light bulb. Here is what someone would do if they didn’t have The Ultimate Tool:
1) Notice broken light bulb
2) Shout at light bulb to stop being broken
3) Sit in dark until social worker decides to come by and check on you
Now, here’s what happens when this same incident happens, but you have The Ultimate Tool:
1) Notice broken light bulb
2) Grab The Ultimate Tool
3) Use screwdriver to repair light bulb. If screwdriver is not successful, use knife
4) Bask in the warming glow of a working light bulb
5) Go to emergency room for ten to fifteen stitches and to get index finger reattached
See! Problem solved! And it’s all thanks to The Ultimate Tool. And here’’s the best part: Most tool manufacturers would charge eight to twelve thousand dollars for a tool of this magnitude. But not your friends at Tool Ranch. We’’re only going to ask you to pay $9.99. That’s right. $9.99! We swear to God! Only nine dollars and ninety-nine cents! We like to think of it as the Ultimate Price for the Ultimate Tool. Head on over to your nearest Tool Ranch today and pick up The Ultimate Tool, but be real careful when you pick it up. From now until the day you die, perhaps from some sort of massive blood loss brought on by deep lacerations, The Ultimate Tool will be the only tool you’ll need. Guaranteed!
The Ultimate Tool - Only Available In “Flathead”
