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This Week on

Episode XXXII

(While watching the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating contest on ESPN, CPPres boldly claims, "I could do that", and decides to join the professional speed-eating circuit. Moog points out to CPPres that this might not be such a good idea, as CPPres can rarely finish all 10 McNuggets when he goes to McDonalds, but CPPres tells Moog to "Cram it!".

Keepin' It Down)

Original Airdate -
September 6th, 2006

CPPres begins training for his first event by going to the store and buying five packs of hot dogs. He returns home, cooks them, and eats three as fast as he can. By the time he finishes the third one, forty-five minutes later, he is pale and sweaty. He weakly says that he doesn't feel so hot, and not long after, the hot dogs come back up, and CPPres' dreams of being a world-champion eater go up in smoke. Moog shakes his head and says, "I told you so", but CPPres is too weak to tell him to cram it.

"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood

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Don’t Be A Tool

It’s the single most frustrating moment in the life of a human person. You’re just sitting there, minding your own business, and something in your house decides to break. Sometimes it’s the refrigerator. Sometimes it’s the light bulb in the den. Sometimes it’s the cat. But whatever it is, it’s never fun, because now you have to figure out how to fix it. And you don’t have a Ph.D. in Home Repair. Oh sure, you could call a repairman, but that’s going to cost you and arm and a leg, and besides, the repairman is probably trying to look up your dress. Repairmen are like that. So now you’’re stuck with the other option, fixing it yourself, but that opens up a whole new barrel of monkeys that are trying to look up your dress. What if you don’’t know HOW to fix the problem? And even if you DO know how to fix it, what if you don’t have the right tool for the job. Relax, folks, because that’s where we come into the picture.

Yes, it’s The Ultimate Tool, an amazing new tool from the tool experts here at Tool Ranch. We heard your complaints. You said that there were too many tools out there, and you bought them all, and now you have a giant toolbox full of tools that weighs three tons. And even though you’re pretty sure you have the right tool for the job in there somewhere, it’s impossible to find. You whined and moaned that it would sure be great if someone would make an all-in-one tool that combined everything you needed all in one tool. And even though we found that complaint to be somewhat redundant, we heard it, and we acted by creating The Ultimate Tool. What’s so great about The Ultimate Tool, you ask? Easy. On one end is a screwdriver and on the other end is a knife. A real sharp one. So you can cut what needs to be cut and then you can screw it into whatever it needed to be screwed into. It’s like an entire toolbox, all in the palm of your hand! (You might want to be careful putting The Ultimate Tool in the palm of your hand, because that knife will slice you up, right down to the tendons)

The Ultimate Tool is more than a screwdriver with a knife for a handle. It’s a complete home repair kit, perfect for a million uses around the home. For example, let’s go back to that broken light bulb. Here is what someone would do if they didn’t have The Ultimate Tool:

1) Notice broken light bulb

2) Shout at light bulb to stop being broken

3) Sit in dark until social worker decides to come by and check on you

Now, here’s what happens when this same incident happens, but you have The Ultimate Tool:

1) Notice broken light bulb

2) Grab The Ultimate Tool

3) Use screwdriver to repair light bulb. If screwdriver is not successful, use knife

4) Bask in the warming glow of a working light bulb

5) Go to emergency room for ten to fifteen stitches and to get index finger reattached

See! Problem solved! And it’s all thanks to The Ultimate Tool. And here’’s the best part: Most tool manufacturers would charge eight to twelve thousand dollars for a tool of this magnitude. But not your friends at Tool Ranch. We’’re only going to ask you to pay $9.99. That’s right. $9.99! We swear to God! Only nine dollars and ninety-nine cents! We like to think of it as the Ultimate Price for the Ultimate Tool. Head on over to your nearest Tool Ranch today and pick up The Ultimate Tool, but be real careful when you pick it up. From now until the day you die, perhaps from some sort of massive blood loss brought on by deep lacerations, The Ultimate Tool will be the only tool you’ll need. Guaranteed!

The Ultimate Tool - Only Available In “Flathead”

With this update, we have reached the end of the fifth volume of C.P. On-Line. We've done all we can do with Volume Five, so the time has come to send it out into the world. We suspect it will have a great deal of success until a stranger approaches it and says, "Hello there, little Volume. If you get in my car with me, I will give you some candy." And it will go, because it is an idiot. Don't blame us. We're just the parents.

Anyway, over the course of Volume Five, there have been a few questions that we never got around to answering. Since we don't have anything else written for this week, now seemed like a pretty good time to answer these questions so that the only question you have left for Volume Six is "Why am I still visiting C.P. On-Line?" Good luck with THAT one.

Question: For the last couple of weeks, you people have been going on and on about "Volume Five" this and "Volume Five" that. This doesn't make any sense. You write for a website, not a magazine. What the hell are you talking about when you mention "Volume Five"?

Answer: That is an excellent question! Basically, we use the term "Volume" to refer to a period of time of roughly a year. After writing literally hundreds and hundreds of pages for C.P. On-Line over the years, it's easier to find specific material by saying, "Oh yeah. That piece was somewhere near the end of Volume Two" than it is to say, "Oh yeah! That piece was written at some point between 1999 and 2004!" Besides, collecting our work in volumes just makes us sound more professional, and Lord knows we could use some of that. In case you were wondering, and we know you were, here is the official rundown of the various volumes of C.P. On-Line:

Volume One - May 1999 to April 2000

Volume Two - May 2000 to April 2001

Volume Three - May 2001 to July 2002

Volume Four - November 2002 to January 2003

Volume Five - September 2005 to August 2006

Question: You had a contest last month where one of the five finalists was going to replace long-time columnist CPPres as a writer for the website, but you never revealed the winner, even though you promised you would. Why would you lie to us, C.P. On-Line? We trusted you.

Answer: Trusting us was probably your first mistake. However, that is an excellent question! There WAS a winner in the great Columnist Contest, but we've been busy watching "So You Think You Can Dance" all summer, and in the excitement, we forget to announce who it was. In fact, we even forgot to tell the winner that he won, but we plan on getting around to that sometime this week. The winner, with a staggering 94% of the vote, was Roger Chapman, the charming British guy from some other country. He will be joining the writing staff very soon, and we look forward to working with him. We expect that his talent will shine bright at C.P. On-Line for days and days, and then eventually working here will break his spirit, and his material will become more and more strained. After that, his eyes will glaze over and he will start wandering around here on auto-pilot, not so much concerned about what he's writing so much as long as he just puts words on a page. Within weeks of arriving, he will go from being a shining young talent to being just another comedy hack, and at that point, we will finally be one of us. Welcome to C.P. On-Line, Roger!

Question: I only just recently stumbled upon your website and I don't feel like going through your entire archives. If you could tell me what your three favorite updates are from the last year, that would save me a lot of time, because then I could avoid the other forty-nine.

Answer: That wasn't really a question. It was more like a demand. Still, it's an excellent demand. If we could've only done three updates all last year, that would have saved us a LOT of time and effort. That might not be such a bad idea for Volume Six. Hmmmm… But anyway, if we had to pick three favorites, we'd pick the following, in no particular order:

October 24th, 2005: (Update #8) C.P. On-Parade - This one was written right after we re-launched the website, when we were still trying to get back into the habit of writing on a weekly basis. This might've been the first time it really felt right. C.P. On-Parade features some pretty good dialogue and comes as close as we ever get to having a "plot". It's also the first of MANY times in Volume Five that Founder Matt decides to remove his pants, which should not discourage you from checking it out

March 27th, 2006: (Update #30) Everybody Agrees - Our spoof of an awful FOX reality show that we hated so very much. The characters at C.P. On-Line are so bizarre that when you take all of them, lock them in a bunker, and force them to interact, something interesting always happens. Notable for the fact that at the end of the piece, it appears that The Chicken makes sweet love to a donkey.

June 5th, 2006: (Update #41) Summer Television Preview - The writers at C.P. On-Line are huge fans of Bizarro Jerry, who puts together all of the graphics for the website, and he completely outdid himself with this piece. Some of the finest pictures we've ever had on C.P. On-Line appear in this update, including some of the most disturbing Flash animation we've ever seen. Seriously, the Howie Mandel graphic will haunt your dreams. This is where we realized that as long as the pictures were good, the writing could be rambling drivel and nobody would care. We plan to use this newfound knowledge a LOT in Volume Six.

Question: During the last few episodes of CPPres' reality show, Keepin' It Real, he wrote some song that got popular. You mentioned the song about a thousand times, but you never let us hear it. Can you at least print the lyrics or something, so we can see how awesome this song actually is?

Answer: That might be the most excellent question of all. Most of us here at C.P. On-Line did not care for CPPres' song, because it is retarded, but most popular music is, so we can't say we're surprised it found an audience. You're right, though, it did get brought up a lot, so we suppose it's only right to present the lyrics, just this once. Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together and get out on the dance floor, because it's time to experience the raw lyrical genius that is "What A Crazy Party".

What A Crazy Party (Music and Lyrics By: CPPres)

A long week is over. A party's on the menu.

I think my crib will be the appropriate venue.

I wanna unwind with my crew, but my ultimate goal,

Is to keep this thing from getting out of control.

I call up Chester, cause he is a DJ.

And my baby, who's the finest chick in the U.S. of A.

I call up Mikey, cause he gets all the booze.

And some other people I exclusively choose.

But then they call two friends

And they call two friends

Again and again and I don't know where it ends.

And now, this place is bumping, as far as I can see.

What a crazy party this has turned out to be

That chick's a freak and she is freaking on me.

What a crazy party this has turned out to be.

The walls are shaking, look at all the debris.

What a crazy party this has turned out to be.

It won't end soon, that much I can guarantee.

What a crazy party this has turned out to be.

It's getting cramped in here. I can't breathe anymore.

I don't know half the people that have walked in the door.

But I don't care, because this thing is outrageous.

It's a good disease and it's completely contagious.

It's 2:00am, the cops show up and start bitching.

Ten minutes later, they're dancing in the kitchen.

Don't know where the monkey came from but it's wearing a hat.

If there's a better party, I don't know where it's at.

And it just goes on.

And on and on until it's hours past dawn.

I swear I meant for this to stay all low-key,

But, what a crazy party this has turned out to be.

It sure is crazy here, you'd have to agree.

What a crazy party this has turned out to be.

It's bigger than the whole state of Tennessee.

What a crazy party this has turned out to be.

We're on the news, hey look there on the TV.

What a crazy party this has turned out to be.

(repeat endlessly and fade out)