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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode XXIX
(Sittin’ In A Tree)
Original Airdate -
August 16th, 2006
CPPres gets a job working for a gardening service. His first client is a rich Wall Street stockbroker with a huge yard full of rare foliage and priceless antiques. CPPres tends to the yard without incident. His second client is the local Pit Bull breeder. The breeder warns CPPres that the dogs are very ill-tempered and like to bark and bite, but while CPPres is there, they are all on their best behavior. CPPres even pets one on its furry belly. His final task of the day is to trim an incredibly tall oak tree, but before he starts, the Keepin It Real producers, frustrated by the lack of wackiness in this week’s episode, call up Moog to help him out. CPPres does not want Moog’s help, pointing out that he does not like Moog and Moog is an idiot who will not shut up. The producers remind CPPres that this is reality show, and he should not be talking to the producers while the cameras are on. In the end, Moog shows up, almost cuts CPPres’ hand off with the chainsaw, knocks over all the ladders, and gets them both stranded in the tree until the fire department shows up. CPPres is irate, but the producers agree that it ended up being one of the most entertaining episodes of the season.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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The other day, we were flipping through “The FCC Handbook” while waiting for the toaster to finish heating our Pop-Tarts. We don’t even know where “The FCC Handbook” came from in the first place, but it’s a pretty good read. Anyway, right before the flames came belching out of the toaster, we happened upon the following passage: “Rule 392.52.7b - All comedy websites must publish at least one Feature of redeeming quality on an annual basis; a Feature that provides a helpful service to the public at large. One example of this is the Public Service Announcement”.
It was good timing that we caught that rule when we did, because it’s been almost one year since we re-launched C.P. On-Line, and we haven’t done anything of redeeming quality yet. (We have done plenty of things that are of “low” quality, but the Handbook isn’t very clear about whether that counts or not) So we quickly gathered up the staff and asked them if they’’d all write brief Public Service Announcements, sharing lessons that they’’ve learned in life with our loyal readership. They all said no. Around that time the kitchen caught fire, and the smoke reeked of Pop-Tarts. We politely informed the staff that if they did not write PSA’s, we would lock the exit doors and we would all perish in flame. Begrudgingly, they all agreed. Even The Chicken wrote one, and he’s not a very fast typist because he has to hunt-and-peck. Anyway, the following are the three PSA’s that survived the blaze. |
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Greetings. I am World-Famous Treasure-Hunter Zach Snyder. You know, one time I was at a mysterious hookah bar in Zurich, when I happened to spot the Countess of Trent across the room. Because I am so suave and debonair, it was only a matter of time before I was able to get her up to my expensive hotel room. After bedding the Countess, we laid there together, smoking Virginia Slims, and softly, almost under her breath, she told me of a priceless treasure. It was the Spanish Amulet, and it was hidden in a café in Athens.
That very morning, I got in my biplane and flew to Greece. As a World-Famous Treasure-Hunter, I knew that time was of the essence. If I was aware of the Spanish Amulet’s existence, it was a certainty that others were aware of it as well. Through tactics developed from years of treasure hunting, I was able to get to the café without being identified or captured by those who would make it their goal to stop me. As I entered the café, I was prepared for an onslaught of defenders. Rarely is a treasure so magnificent as the Amulet left unprotected. To my surprise, I was not instantly attacked. Instead, a waitress approached me and asked if I wanted a table or a booth. Taking a chance, I said, “Neither, my lady! What I seek is the Spanish Amulet!”
It turned out that I had been misled by the exotic accent and low volume of the Countess’’ words. She did not tell me to retrieve the Spanish Amulet. She asked me to get her a Spanish Omelet. I hate when women automatically expect breakfast after a night of passion! Nevertheless, I got her stupid omelet, and as I left the Athens Café, never to return, I stepped into the road and was nearly run down by a tourist bus. And that is why…
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Hello there! My name is Captain Science, and I’m the one at C.P. On-Line with all the intellect. Not that anyone else around here is exactly clamoring to win THAT title. Anyway, in addition to teaching everyone about the wonders of science, I spend lots of time working on exciting experiments of my own. That means that sometimes, I have to handle dangerous chemicals, poisonous animals, and certain liquids that you can’t take on airplanes anymore. I have to be careful not to burn myself or blow up the C.P. On-Line offices, leaving behind nothing but a smoking crater.
Once in a while, a science project I’m working on is interesting enough to attract the attention of the United States Government. Due to this, I now have some powerful contacts who have knowledge of some pretty top-secret stuff. National security kind of stuff! The kind of things we’re supposed to keep from the enemy at all costs.
I like to go and get a few drinks with my buddies in the government whenever they’’re in town, and once they get liquored up, they start talking. Talking about things they shouldn’t be talking about. Things that I write down. Information that I occasionally sell to certain shady countries when I’m hard up for cash. I used to have a science partner who did the same thing, Professor Brainy, but when his friends would ask where he got the money, he would tell them. And I’d be like, “Professor Brainy! Shut the hell up!” Eventually, Professor Brainy disappeared. I doubt we will ever find his body. And that’’s why…
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As a Chicken, I get a lot of hook-up offers from a lot of hot women. What can I say? Hoochies like my soft feathers and my cocky strut. I don’t even have to step foot in a club to get my grind on. All I gotta do is stand outside, right by the bouncer, and ladies be throwing their digits at me. I’m so cool, you gotta wear shades. But I don’t. Don’t need ‘em. That’s how cool I am.
But here’s the thing: Even though The Chicken LOVES the fly honeys, I’m still a chicken, so part of me is always gonna be all about the hens. You human girls got it going ON, but sometimes The Chicken needs some breast meat from his own species, you know what I’m saying? On a good night, I can work my way through the whole henhouse. And you be knowing I’m doing my thing, because that henhouse is rockin’, so you’d better not come a-knockin’!
So what’s the problem? Those damn hens be way too fertile! Seems like every time I get all up on a hen, a few days later, she pops out an egg. I’m the baby daddy to SO MANY little chicks, it ain’t even funny. And of course, once you make a hen lay an egg, she wants you to stay in the henhouse and be all respectable. Heeeeeelllls no! I’m going OUT tonight, baby, and I don’’t care where you at. So my point is, if you got to use your drumstick on a bunch of hot-ass she-fowl, and I know you got to, cause I got to too, just be safe. That’s why…
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Better Than A Sweater!
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Winter is right around the corner, so don’t you think it’s time to make sure you’ve got plenty of heaters in good working order? And if you’’re in the market for a heater, why would you go anywhere but Heater Mart? Heater Mart has over 300 convenient locations in all 50 states. If you’re cold, chances are there’s a Heater Mart nearby!
Heater Mart is the only store that specializes in heaters, heaters, and only heaters. We don’t sell fans or air conditioners or hot-rod engines. Heaters. That’s pretty much it. I mean, we’ve got some boxes of candy near the register, but aside from that, you’re not going to find anything but heaters at the good ol’ Heater Mart. Take a look at some of the great exclusive heaters we’ve got available today and every day at Heater Mart:
- large industrial sized heating units to suit all your business needs
- small heaters that you can wear around your neck so you can be toasty warm, even on the go
- lighters, which are like heaters, because they make fire, and fire is hot. Some of our heaters can reach temperatures of over 200 degrees. Doesn’t that sound great?!
Look, the fact is, we haven’t sold a heater in three months. Summer is always a pretty rough time for heater sellers, but this year has been a disaster. Between the coast-to-coast heat waves and Al Gore going on and on about global warming, nobody wants to buy a heater. They just want to buy a huge block of ice and lay on it until November. And we don’t sell ice. We couldn’t even if we wanted to because of all these damn heaters. We’ve even tried doing free giveaways to increase business. Free trips to Palm Springs and Death Valley, plus all the hot chocolate you can drink. We even pointed out that if you buy one of our heaters and stick it in the fridge for a couple of days, when you pull it out, it will be cold for like fifteen minutes! But still, nothing.
So here’s what we’re asking: Come to your neighborhood Heater Mart and buy a heater. Not because you need one. Not because you’re chilly and have a desire to change that. But just out of pity for your good friends at the Heater Mart. Please. If none of you buy a heater anytime soon, we’ll be out of business before October. It’s like some twisted O. Henry story!
Heater Mart - Our Heaters Heat In A Hot Way!
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