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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode XXVIII
(Introducing... Moog)
Original Airdate -
August 9th, 2006
CPPres does not find a new job this week. Dejected, he decides to just mope around the house for a few days, which does not make for very compelling reality TV footage. After the third day, the producers decide to artificially inject some excitement into the show by introducing a new character. So while CPPres is slouched in his recliner, watching the World Series of Darts on ESPN2, his front door swings open and in walks Moog. Moog stands in between CPPres and the TV and says, "Hi CPPres! My name is Moog, and I'm your new best friend! We're going to have lots of compelling fun this season! Oh boy!" CPPres is none too happy, but decides to give Moog a chance. They go out for a bite to eat, and Moog will not shut up. He talks and talks and talks and talks and CPPres cannot get a word in edgewise. As they are leaving the restaurant, CPPres looks straight into the camera and says, "I do not LIKE this idiot. Get RID of him!" But that is pretty unlikely.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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A couple of months ago, Senior Columnist CPPres quit his job here at C.P. On-Line. We were pretty sure the whole thing was just a ratings stunt for his goofy reality show, but he hasn’t come back to work yet. We’ve tried calling him, but he doesn’t answer his phone, and when we see him walking down the street, he covers his face and runs in the other direction. It looks like CPPres is actually serious about not working here anymore, which is why we’’ve had to look into replacing him.
This is not exactly the hardest job in the world. You know how sometimes people will say things like, “Well, it’s not rocket science”? Being a columnist for C.P. On-Line is not rocket science. It is also not “professional supermodel”, “napkin restocker”, or “unshaven guy who stands on freeway off-ramp with sign that reads “Why Lie? I Need Beer”.” But to our surprise, even though we put up the job listing on Monster.com over three weeks ago, we haven’t really been overwhelmed with applicants.
Still, we need a new CPPres and we need him now, so we’ve taken the list of potential new hires and whittled it down to five. Any of these people would make for a fine addition to the C.P. On-Line staff, but we’re terrible at making decisions, so we’ve decided to let our loyal readership make the call. That would be you. Scroll down a bit, take a look at the five qualified finalists, and figure out which one you would like to see as the brand-new member of C.P. On-Line. We will announce the results next week, and the winner’s new column will debut shortly after that. Look! It’s democracy! And it’s thriving at C.P. On-Line! If we can do it, why can’t Iraq? |
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Finalist #1- Marty Todd
Age: 31
Hometown: Topeka, Kansas!
Previous Jobs: Radio DJ, circus clown, infomercial audience member
Hobbies: Watching great television programs, laughing with all my friends, singing and dancing, masking severe emotional pain by being extremely upbeat all the time, occasional bouts of crippling depression, playing tennis (even though I’m not too good at it!)
Vices: Smoking, drinking, Skoal, porno, gambling, semi-regular use of needle drugs, and having too much fun!!
Favorite Book: Magazines!
Favorite Punctuation Mark: Exclamation points!! Yeah!!
Favorite Medical Ailment: Constipation!
Dislikes: Dealing with reality. And llamas! Llamas are so WEIRD!!
Why Do You Want To Be Our New C.P. On-Line Columnist?: I love your website! I think it is sooooo funny! Sometimes I try to tell my friends all about the funny things on your website, but usually they just walk away! I took a writing class in college, and I totally would have gotten a C if I hadn’t dropped out after two weeks! I love to write funny things! One time I wrote a poem and it went, “This is my funny poem! I wrote it after my wife kicked me out of my home!” LOL!! That wasn’t really a very funny day, but my poem made me feel better! I think I would be a great columnist because I’ve got lots of interesting things to say! Like, if you want me to write something funny about, say, Lebanon, I’d be all like, “Lebanon! More like Leba-Non Fat Milk!”” LOL!! Trust me! It would be funnier than the stuff you guys currently write!! ROTFL!! ;-)
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Finalist #2 - Floyd Landis
Age: 30
Hometown: Murrieta, California
Previous Jobs: Professional Cyclist, Winner of 2006 Tour de France (Pending)
Hobbies: Biking, doing press conferences to declare innocence, cheating in major sporting events
Vices: Although I have been accused of having vices, I deny these accusations and will prove my innocence
Favorite Book: Game of Shadows
Favorite Punctuation Mark: The question mark
Favorite Medical Ailment: Excessive testosterone production, dehydration
Dislikes: Urine tests, Cycling teams that fire you for no good reason, B samples
Why Do You Want To Be Our New C.P. On-Line Columnist?: In the past week, I have gone from the “Top of the World” to the depths of scandal. I have been thrust into the international spotlight and am being asked to defend myself against something that I did not do, for reasons that I do not understand. Although this has been a hard time for my family and me, we are confident that I will be vindicated. However, in the event that I am not, I’m going to need a job and C.P. On-Line is one of the only places that doesn’t require a drug test before hiring. I am not really a good writer and I wouldn’t say I’m exactly “funny”, so I believe I will fit in very well here. Also, my parents are sort of Amish, so that’ll probably provide some good material.
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Finalist #3 - Roger Chapman
Age: 24
Hometown: London, England
Previous Jobs: Head writer for Lords of Humour (comedy website)
Hobbies: Taking the lift down to the street, picking up the trolley, and heading down to the pub for a lager and a heaping plate of bangers and mash. I also enjoy telling Yanks that over here, soccer is called “football”.
Vices: Perhaps spending a bit too much time watching the telly, also smoking fags, which, as I have to point out to the Yanks, is what we call cigarettes over here
Favorite Book: Anything by Dickens, although you Yanks call him “Stephen King”” in the States
Favorite Punctuation Mark: The ampersand, a noble and true punctuation mark
Favorite Medical Ailment: Bubonic plague
Dislikes: People who just hang around with me because of my RIDICULOUSLY charming English accent
Why Do You Want To Be Our New C.P. On-Line Columnist?: Although “Lords of Humour”” was a wonderful comedy website and a project I will always be proud of, the time has come to try and make my way in the States. Fame in England is one thing. Fame in America is something else entirely. I was initially attracted to C.P. On-Line because they’ve described themselves in print as a “humour” website, which I thought was a sign. It turns out it was actually just a typo. There are a lot of those on their site. One time, they spelled “On-Line” with an “H”. It was really quite amusing. I just hope that, if hired, my proper British upbringing does not clash with their brutish American personalities. It would also be nice if they keep the “fag” jokes to a minimum whenever I have a cigarette
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Finalist #4 - The Sheep
Age: 4
Hometown: Omaha, Nebraska
Previous Jobs: Lamb
Hobbies: Grazing, making wool, being herded, doing whatever the other sheep are doing
Vices: Mating with the ewes, or anything that even remotely looks like a ewe, including particularly fluffy shrubberies
Favorite Book: Silence of the Lambs
Favorite Punctuation Mark: The baa-baa-backslash
Favorite Medical Ailment: Foot rot (look it up. It’s an intriguing disease)
Dislikes: Being mauled by wolves, people who go too slow in the fast lane
Why Do You Want To Be Our New C.P. On-Line Columnist?: I think it’s incredibly unfair that you have a Chicken working at your website, but no other barnyard animals. That is called discrimination. I believe C.P. On-Line should have an Affirmative Action policy so that all creatures, human and barnyard animal alike, can be equally represented. We Sheep will not be silenced!
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Finalist #5 - Mel Gibson
Age: 50
Hometown: Malibu, California
Previous Jobs: Actor, Producer, Director
Hobbies: Attending Catholic mass, making movies entirely in languages other than English, pulling wacky pranks
Vices: Booze, driving under the influence of booze, violent hatred of certain religious groups
Favorite Book: Mein Kampf
Favorite Punctuation Mark: The little slashes they use to censor dirty words (For example: “fu---- Jews!”
Favorite Medical Ailment: Alcoholism
Dislikes: Unprofessional actors, production companies that drop your in-development projects just because of a minor scandal, Jews
Why Do You Want To Be Our New C.P. On-Line Columnist?: I am truly remorseful for the horrific comments I made recently during my DUI arrest. I feel that by working as a columnist for C.P. On-Line, I will be able to release weekly statements about how sorry I am, thereby rebuilding my career, which is in trouble. I will write columns about how I am not anti-Semitic, and sometimes, to mix things up, I will write about how I was in the Lethal Weapon movies. People LOVED me in Lethal Weapon. If I spend lots of time reminding people about Lethal Weapon and maybe Maverick, they will forget all about the Jew stuff and not boycott my new movie Apocalypto, coming to theaters everywhere December 8th. By the way, just wondering, is your website a Jew website? Jew websites are responsible for all the wars in the world, you know.
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Be “In Charge” Of Your Breakfast
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Everyone knows breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but all too often, people either skip it completely or choose to eat something unhealthy. Another thing everyone knows is that Scott Baio is the most awesome actor ever. Yes, even more awesome than Christopher Walken. If only there was a way to combine the magic of Scott Baio with the power of breakfast! Well America, there IS a way, and we call it Scott Bay-O’s, the only breakfast cereal officially endorsed by that guy who played Chachi on TV like thirty years ago.
Scott Bay-O’s are the delicious and nutritious way to start your morning. Each crunchy Bay-O is made of oats, wheat, corn, and rice, so you can eat as many as you want without worrying about your waistline. But don't get the wrong idea. Just because Bay-O’s are good for you doesn't mean they're bland and tasteless. That's because each Bay-O is ZAPPED with just a little bit of sugar. And that's not all, because mixed in with all the O’s are fun and tasty marshmallow pieces in the shapes of classic Scott Baio characters. There are red Chachis, blue Dr. Jack Stewarts, green Bob Loblaws, and rainbow-colored Charleses! If you get lucky, you might even find a Pete Bianco, the guy he played when he guest-starred on one episode of Full House!
When it’s time for breakfast, people can’t get enough of Scott Bay-O’s, but if you don’t want to take our word for it, perhaps you will listen to these actual statements from satisfied customers who were paid to say something nice about this cereal:
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Dinah S., Birmingham, AL
“I thought I'd read that Scott Baio got the death penalty after he was in ““Baby Geniuses 2: SuperBabies”, but I guess not. Just goes to show yet again that the justice system in this country is completely flawed! But what ISN‘T completely flawed is the big taste of Scott Bay-O’s! Yum! Scott Bay-O’s make EVERY day a Happy Day!”
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“Me Joanie! Not love breakfast cereal. Usually want oatmeal. Not have oatmeal last week. Have to eat Scott Bay-O’s instead. So good! Now Joanie want to eat them all the time! Joanie loves Bay-O’s!”
Joanie A., Richmond Home For The Mentally Challenged, Richmond, VA
Come on, people! What are you waiting for? Without a big heaping bowl of Scott Bay-O’’s, you’re only going to get hungrier. And for a limited time only, each box of Scott Bay-O’s will be personally autographed by Scott Baio, because really, what else does he have to do these days? Aside from approving the new Honey Nut Scott Bay-O’s, not much. Get to your local supermarket and barge into the cereal aisle as fast as you can, knocking people over if you have to. You want Scott Bay-O’s for breakfast, dang it, and you will not be denied!
Scott Bay-O’s - From the makers of Fresh Prince Of Raisin Bran, Cinnamon Toast Urkel’s, and ALF-A Bits
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