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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode XXVII
(No Money Down)
Original Airdate -
July 19th, 2006
CPPres gets a job as a used-car salesman at Crazy Carl's Used Car Repository. He really wants to make a good impression on his first day, but he ends up being late for work, because he has to testify at The Trial Of Bizarro Jerry, and his antics get him briefly thrown in jail for contempt of court. When CPPres finally arrives at the Repository, Crazy Carl screams at him for twenty minutes or so, and then sends him outside to sell some cars. He quickly begins helping his first customer, and it is here we realize that CPPres does not know how to haggle, as is proven when he sells a 2005 H3 for "4 easy payments of $19.99". Crazy Carl screams at him for another twenty minutes, and when he is done, CPPres no longer has a job as a used-car salesman at Crazy Carl's Used Car Repository.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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| Ever since we posted our music video on YouTube last week, we have been swamped with calls from Hollywood studios and big-time producers who want to work with us. Nothing is official yet, so we can't really talk about the offers we've been getting, but let's just say that we might be playing the Joker in the sequel to "Batman Begins" and it's also quite possible that we will be writing the screenplay for "Schindler's List II". (It will be a historical romantic comedy, sort of like a cross between "There's Something About Mary" and "Titanic")
Aside from all that, the most interesting call we got was from Subway, the sub-sandwich chain. They watched our video and thought we would a perfect fit with their current advertising campaign, which as you all know, features Jon Lovitz as the host of Subway's Dinner Theater. I guess their thought was that Lovitz's career is plummeting as fast as ours is rising, so we can sort of balance each other out. Subway asked if we would write and star in a series of three commercials, and we agreed, mostly because as the time, we were all pretty hungry. We filmed the spots a couple of days ago and with any luck, they will begin airing during next month's Emmy Awards. Subway wants these new ads to be a big surprise, but because you people are our loyal readership and have stuck with us through more than a decade of weak attempts at humor, we were able to convince them to allow us to preview the commercials here. But between the music video and the ten-plus years of weak attempts at humor clogging up the Archives, we don't really have the bandwidth to showcase the commercials here on the website. The best we can do is to publish the transcripts, which we will do now. And remember that even though Quizno's subs are way better, Subway is paying us money, so you should totally go there instead! Enjoy!
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Subway Commercial #1
Monkey In The Sandwich Shop
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(The Subway logo appears on the screen, then fades away to show Jon Lovitz sitting in a throne in front of a red curtain)
Jon Lovitz - Subway's Dinner Theater presents… There's A Monkey In The Sandwich Shop!
(Lovitz looks to his left, and we cut to a dark stage. Bizarro Jerry walks on-stage holding a suitcase in one hand and wearing a tie. He stops and looks at his watch)
Bizarro Jerry - Oh no! It is almost time for my big meeting but I am hungry and have not eaten yet today oh what will I do?
(A spotlight goes on, revealing Founder Matt standing behind Bizarro Jerry and wearing a Subway uniform)
Founder Matt - You could eat here at Subway. We will make your sandwich very fast and it will be just the way you like it.
Bizarro Jerry - (smacks forehead and looks at camera with wide eyes) Goodness! I never even thought of that! Does this Subway restaurant have a roast beef sandwich available?
Founder Matt - No.
Bizarro Jerry - Wait, what? There's no roast beef?
Founder Matt - No.
Bizarro Jerry - Um… I'm pretty sure there IS a roast beef sandwich here at Subway. Maybe you should look at your script again.
Founder Matt - (points at Bizarro Jerry with his middle finger) Listen, jackass! I don't have any meat here at all, and even if I did, I wouldn't give any to you, because you are a jackass!
(Jerry throws his hands in the air)
Bizarro Jerry - What's your problem, man? You got something you want to say, just come out and say it.
Founder Matt - Fine! (rips off Subway visor and throws it on the ground) You stole my part in this commercial, and I'm not going to let you get away with it!
Bizarro Jerry - YOUR part? Are you out of your mind? You spent all morning throwing a hissy fit because you wanted to play the Sandwich Artist because you thought it would make you sound sophisticated!
(A guy in a monkey suit walks on-stage and gets between Bizarro Jerry and Founder Matt)
Monkey - Hey, hey, hey! Come on, you guys! Fighting isn't going to get us anywhere!
Founder Matt - Cram it, Monkey. I'll smack you in the mouth.
(The guy in the monkey suit takes off his head, revealing that it is Happy Rabbit, which is kind of jarring to watch, considering Happy Rabbit is already a guy in a rabbit suit. He pokes Founder Matt in the chest)
Happy Rabbit - What is WRONG with you? This is a professional commercial. You can't act like an idiot here. You have to take things seriously!
Founder Matt - (hangs head) You're right. I'm sorry. I got carried away.
Happy Rabbit - That's better. I guess we should go back and start from the… (looks at Founder Matt in horror) Hey! Why are you taking off your pants?
Founder Matt - Because I thought of a really funny joke for the Subway commercial! Ask me for a foot-long! Come on! Ask!
(Bizarro Jerry smacks Founder Matt in the head with his suitcase)
(The camera cuts back to Jon Lovitz, who has apparently fallen asleep. The director throws a wad of cash, which hits Lovitz in the face. He wakes up, looks at the money, and springs back into Commercial Overacting Mode)
Jon Lovitz - Enchanting! Just like the delicious roast beef sandwich at Subway restaurants! Now available toasted on fresh garlic bread. Subway! Eat fresh!
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Subway Commercial #2
Hungry For Dinner
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(The Subway logo appears on the screen, then fades away to show Jon Lovitz sitting in a throne in front of a red curtain. He looks bored)
Jon Lovitz - Subway's Dinner Theater presents… Hungry For Dinner!
(Lovitz looks to his left, and we cut to the stage again. This time, there is a big conference table in the center of the stage, and sitting around it, wearing fancy suits, are Bizarro Jerry, Happy Rabbit and The Chicken. Happy Rabbit's "fancy suit" is being worn over his usual rabbit suit and The Chicken's "fancy suit" makes him look adorable)
Happy Rabbit - According to our charts and graphs, our business needs to maximize profit! We need to brainstorm new ideas. We might have to be here all night!
Bizarro Jerry - Gee, boss! Can't we get something to eat first? I'm hungry! For dinner!
Happy Rabbit - Dinner? But dinner foods are greasy and full of starch. If only there was a place we could go where we could get a healthy meal prepared right in front of us!
The Chicken - Cluck-cluck. Buck-caw! BUCK-CAW!! (rustles feathers)
Bizarro Jerry - Hey, he's right! There is a Subway restaurant right down the street, and they've got a great new Tuscan Chicken sandwich!
The Chicken - (flaps wings angrily) Buck-buck-buck! BUCK-CAW!! Buck-CAW!!
Bizarro Jerry - Oh, right. Sorry. I forgot. I guess we could get the delicious Tuscan Chicken sandwich without chicken.
Happy Rabbit - According to my charts and graphs, that's a wonderful idea. Let's get up and go to Subway right…
(Founder Matt walks on-stage wearing a Burger King uniform and holding a gigantic hamburger)
Founder Matt - Did you guys know that Burger King has these new BK Stackers? You can get like six hamburger patties on one burger! It's like a heart attack with cheese crammed between two buns! (He takes a huge bite out of the hamburger. Much of it falls onto the conference table)
Happy Rabbit - This is a Subway commercial! You can't be wearing that Burger King outfit here! It's completely inappropriate!
Founder Matt - At least, I'm not the one talking about eating chicken right in front of The Chicken. That's more than inappropriate. That's just rude!
Bizarro Jerry - Does it seem weird to anyone else that Founder Matt isn't wearing pants?
The Chicken - (covering his eyes with his wing) Buck-buck-buck-buck-buck! Buck-caw!
Founder Matt - No, no. It's not like that at all. I just got hot under these lights. (he begins to fan his personal area with the hand not holding the hamburger) Oh, yeah… that's much better.
(Bizarro Jerry and Happy Rabbit stare at each other for a minute, then shake their heads, get up, and walk off-stage. The Chicken turns his back on Founder Matt and squawks at the director)
(The camera cuts back to Jon Lovitz, who is reading a script for a Geico commercial)
Jon Lovitz - Oh, this is some good writing. That gecko is gonna be a star. (Another wad of cash comes flying from off-camera, knocking the script out of his hand. He grabs the money, shoves it in his pocket, then looks up with wild eyes) What a stirring performance! Just like the way they stir the sauce for the new Tuscan Chicken sandwich at Subway restaurants! Subway! Eat fresh!
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Subway Commercial #3
The Mystery Of The Missing Appetite
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(The Subway logo appears on the screen, then fades away to show a cell phone sitting on the chair Jon Lovitz usually sits on. Lovitz's voice can be heard coming out of the receiver)
Jon Lovitz - (voice) … yeah, I'll be with you in just a second. I have to do one more of these awful Subway commercials. The things you have to do for money in this town. (clears throat) Okay, Jon Lovitz here. I'm ready. Start recording… NOW! Subway's Dinner Theater presents… The Mystery Of The Missing Appetite!
(A production assistant walks over to the chair and turns the cell phone to the left. We cut to the stage yet again. Now there is a desk in the middle of it, behind which sits Bizarro Jerry wearing 1930's detective garb)
Bizarro Jerry - I was at my detective agency one dark and stormy night when a gorgeous dame walked in with a case.
(The Chicken walks on-stage wearing a blond wig and pantyhose. He does not look pleased)
Bizarro Jerry - The dame said she wanted something to eat, but all the bad food in the city was making her lose her appetite. She wondered if there was somewhere she could go to get a Steak N' Cheese sub or a freshly-made salad. I told her…
(The camera cuts back to the cell phone on the chair)
Jon Lovitz - (voice) Enchanting! Just like the incredible six-foot party subs from Subway restaurants! Subway! Eat fresh!
Bizarro Jerry - Um… Mr. Lovitz, we weren't actually done with the commercial yet. You kinda jumped your cue.
Founder Matt - Hey, is that Jon Lovitz on that phone? (He runs over to the chair, picks up the cell phone and begins speaking loudly into it) Jon! Jon! I loved you in The Beatles!
Jon Lovitz - (voice) I think you're thinking of John Lennon. I'm Jon Lovitz! I used to be on Saturday Night Live.
Founder Matt - Oh. I think I know who you are. Weren't you the guy who said "That's the ticket?" all the time?
Jon Lovitz - (voice) Exactly! I'm Jon Lovitz! I was the voice of Jay Sherman, The Critic!
Founder Matt - You're Roger Ebert?
Jon Lovitz - (voice) No, you're not hearing me. I'm Jon… wait, why am I arguing with you? I don't even know who I'm talking to.
Founder Matt - I'm Founder Matt! (the sound of a zipper is clearly heard)
Jon Lovitz - (voice) Um… are you taking off your pants?
Founder Matt - These jeans are so ITCHY!
Jon Lovitz - (voice) I think we're done here.
(Jon Lovitz hangs up. The camera lingers on Founder Matt for a second, who is absentmindedly scratching himself, although his hand is mercifully below frame)
Founder Matt - Oh, yeah… that's much better… (he looks up at the camera, then smacks his forehead) Oh, right. I forgot. (he holds up a Subway sandwich) McDonald's! I'm lovin' it!
(The camera falls over on its side like at the end of The Blair Witch Project and although we can hear several members of the crew charging at Founder Matt, we can't really see anything that happens, and after a moment, everything goes to black)
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Hey kids! Sometimes, when we least expect it, the mailman brings us a colorful package here at C.P. On-Line. (Yes, the fact we ever get any mail at ALL is a huge shock to us, but you know what we mean. This is meant to be more a “magical” intro than a “bitter” one) The package is always wrapped in a big, fluffy bow, and it’s always addressed to “My Special Friends At C.P. On-Line”. Also, the package almost always smells like freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. This is our very favorite kind of package to receive, because it’s from our good friend Dr. Charles Hayes, our website’s official PuzzleMaster!
Dr. Hayes works all year round, creating challenging, yet entertaining puzzles for our Kids Korner. Every puzzle Dr. Hayes comes up with is more than a puzzle. It is a work of art. Like a Picasso or a particularly juicy episode of Big Brother All-Stars. And what Dr. Hayes has come up with THIS time is no less a masterpiece. It is a maze-type puzzle, and to win the maze, you have to get from one end to the other without hitting any walls. But beware… there are many twists and turns and treacherous dead-ends! A Dr. Charles Hayes puzzle is never as easy as it seems on first glance! So come on, kids! Grab a pencil and a chocolate milk, and enjoy another great C.P. On-Line Kids Korner puzzle! And parents, if you would like to try out the Dr. Hayes Maze, we totally encourage it, although you might want to have a few beers first. Trust us. It will help.
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Be “In Charge” Of Your Breakfast
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Everyone knows breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but all too often, people either skip it completely or choose to eat something unhealthy. Another thing everyone knows is that Scott Baio is the most awesome actor ever. Yes, even more awesome than Christopher Walken. If only there was a way to combine the magic of Scott Baio with the power of breakfast! Well America, there IS a way, and we call it Scott Bay-O’s, the only breakfast cereal officially endorsed by that guy who played Chachi on TV like thirty years ago.
Scott Bay-O’s are the delicious and nutritious way to start your morning. Each crunchy Bay-O is made of oats, wheat, corn, and rice, so you can eat as many as you want without worrying about your waistline. But don't get the wrong idea. Just because Bay-O’s are good for you doesn't mean they're bland and tasteless. That's because each Bay-O is ZAPPED with just a little bit of sugar. And that's not all, because mixed in with all the O’s are fun and tasty marshmallow pieces in the shapes of classic Scott Baio characters. There are red Chachis, blue Dr. Jack Stewarts, green Bob Loblaws, and rainbow-colored Charleses! If you get lucky, you might even find a Pete Bianco, the guy he played when he guest-starred on one episode of Full House!
When it’s time for breakfast, people can’t get enough of Scott Bay-O’s, but if you don’t want to take our word for it, perhaps you will listen to these actual statements from satisfied customers who were paid to say something nice about this cereal:
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“Me Joanie! Not love breakfast cereal. Usually want oatmeal. Not have oatmeal last week. Have to eat Scott Bay-O’s instead. So good! Now Joanie want to eat them all the time! Joanie loves Bay-O’s!”
Joanie A., Richmond Home For The Mentally Challenged, Richmond, VA
Come on, people! What are you waiting for? Without a big heaping bowl of Scott Bay-O’’s, you’re only going to get hungrier. And for a limited time only, each box of Scott Bay-O’s will be personally autographed by Scott Baio, because really, what else does he have to do these days? Aside from approving the new Honey Nut Scott Bay-O’s, not much. Get to your local supermarket and barge into the cereal aisle as fast as you can, knocking people over if you have to. You want Scott Bay-O’s for breakfast, dang it, and you will not be denied!
Scott Bay-O’s - From the makers of Fresh Prince Of Raisin Bran, Cinnamon Toast Urkel’s, and ALF-A Bits
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