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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode XXVI
(Sink or Swim)
Original Airdate -
July 19th, 2006
CPPres gets a job as a lifeguard at a local pool. This gives the Keepin' It Real camera crew plenty of opportunities to shoot plenty of camera shots that linger just a little too long on girls who are probably a little too young to be wearing bikinis that are a little too revealing. CPPres tunrs out to be a fairly uneffective lifeguard due to the fact that he suffered a gunshot to the foot last week and now can't even go in the water or it will cause his wound to get infected. Several hot young girls almost drown because of this, but they are all rescued by members of the Keepin' It Real camera crew. A bunch of punk kids steal CPPres' beach umbrella and sunscreen, so by the end of the day, he comes down with a fairly serious case of heatstroke. As he is loaded into the ambulance, the camera crew opts to stay at the pool for "creative reasons". (This episode will feature over 45 minutes of deleted "Too Hot For TV" footage when Keepin' It Real comes out on DVD. None of it will feature CPPres)
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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| A few weeks ago, in our Kids Korner, we ran an essay contest for Junior High students. We invited them to write an essay about their favorite U.S. President and send it to us, and then we would publish the very best essay here on C.P. On-Line, thereby assuring that we wouldn’t have to write any new material that week. It was a win-win situation. We got the idea because it was almost July 4th at the time, and it seemed like a patriotic way to pretend to be a website with some educational content so that the damn Parents Advisory Counsel would get off our friggin’ backs. What we neglected to realize was that most Junior High students are not in school during the middle of the summer, and the kind of kids that are going to do an American History homework essay assignment for a comedy website during summer vacation are probably not too bright to begin with. Were we right to think that? We will let you be the judge. Here is the winning essay, about President Millard Fillmore, written by young William Feldman of Columbus, Ohio. It was the very best one out of the three essays we received. The other two were about President Millard Fillmore (we think William accidentally sent his essay twice) and President “Suck It, C.P. On-Line, Because You Know You Want To”, who, as far as we could tell, was not actually a U.S. President. |
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PRESIDENT MILLARD FILLMORE
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A Life Lived
By: 8th Grader William Feldman
An essay about President Millard Fillmore is difficult to write, as President Millard Fillmore was a very complex man and president. President Millard Fillmore, or Millard, as his friends and possibly enemies called him, was suave, courteous, and handsome in a rather stodgy fashion. Although all of the photographs of Millard Fillmore are in black and white, he was a man who lived in living color.
When Millard Fillmore was born on January 7th, 1800, he was not a president, but a baby. He did not let this hold him back and in only fifty years, he had achieved the goal of being President of the United States, quite a feat for a baby! Even before he was president, however, young Millard accomplished many other goals. One of the goals involved marrying a woman named Abigail Powers, who would later become his wife. The political young newlywed joined the Anti-Masonic movement in 1826, while living in New York. One of the principal leaders of the Anti-Masonic party was a man named Thurlow Weed. I wish this paper had been about Thurlow Weed instead of Millard Fillmore, but nobody else was open to the idea.
New York proved unexciting for President Millard Fillmore, who was not president yet, and he and his lovely wife Abigail left the state and moved to Buffalo, New York. In Buffalo, Millard had a massive frame, a benign air, a dignified mien, and a conciliatory temper. All of these things commanded respect and admiration, primarily from people. His popularity proved to be highly popular, and in 1832 he won election to Congress, an election in which he received a popular number of votes.
Not happy with the Anti-Masonic party, probably due to its stupid name, Millard Fillmore moved on to the Whig party, a party which would later drop the “H”” and become renowned for its hairpieces. One reason Millard joined the Whig party was that it was led by his good friend Thurlow Weed. Millard Fillmore liked Weed. Weed was his favorite. Millard would sometimes stay up all night with Weed. Thurlow Weed, that is. Thurlow and Millard were an unstoppable political force. Together, they were smokin’!
While in Congress, President Millard Fillmore became a congressman, but was still not “president” in a technical sense. Millard was in Congress from 1832 until 1842. He declined re-nomination in 1842, and as a thorough-paced perfectionist, he marshaled a Whig tariff. According to my research, this had something to do with the House of Representatives and, one can only hope, lots of Thurlow Weed. As a member of Congress, Millard had many positions. One of his positions was that he disliked slavery. This was a very big issue at the time, but it is not so much of an issue now. 1844, he ran for the Governor of a state and found himself on the losing end of the victory pole. In an actual quote, he blamed his defeat on “the Abolitionists and foreign Catholics”, an opinion that was shared through words that he said. Also, he blamed Weed, which I think we can all relate to.
By the time 1847 rolled around, President Millard Fillmore was still not president, which was doubtlessly frustrating for him. As a consolation, he was elected State Comptroller, a position whose responsibilities fall outside my current range of comprehension. Doubtless to say, Millard Fillmore made the most of his Comptrolling. Also, he passed acts and fostered and devised things. This was the kind of man that Millard Fillmore was.
At some point after or perhaps during his reign as Comptroller, President Millard Fillmore became Vice President of the United States under President Zachary Taylor who, at the time, was the president. As Vice President, President Millard Fillmore presided over the Senate in capable fashion. Also, he favored things. One of the things he favored was The Compromise of 1850. There were people who were for The Compromise of 1850, but tragically, there were also people who felt con.
On July 9th, 1850, a day which will live in infamy, Zachary Taylor died and President Millard Fillmore became “President Millard Fillmore - 13th President of the United States”. Finally, a lifelong dream which he had had for his whole life was coming true. It was too bad that he was so lousy at it. From what I could tell while doing my research, mostly nobody liked him and he whined a lot. Also, he kept talking about The Compromise of 1850, which went on even after 1850 was over. Did this make President Millard Fillmore a hypocrite? I will allow you to draw your own conclusions.
President Millard Fillmore showed such a lack of leadership while in office that he failed to secure his own parties’ nomination during the 1852 presidential elections. This made it very difficult for him to be re-elected as president. This difficultly led to his defeat and a different person became president. Even so, Millard Fillmore remained the president in our hearts. After being voted out of office, Millard Fillmore still wanted to be president, which proved that he could not take a hint. In 1856, he ran again, not as a Whig, but as a member of the Know-Nothing party. He did not get very many votes. His defeat resulted in a loss for President Millard Fillmore, who would not be president anymore. It is very possible that a clever person in 1856 said, “I think Millard Fillmore KNOWS NOTHING about being president!”. It is also very possible that people laughed at that joke, as alcohol was still legal at the time.
After being president, President Millard Fillmore kept having political aspirations, even though his 15 minutes of fame were long gone. During those years, Millard supported many things. One of the things he supported was the national government during the Civil War. For some reason he was highly critical of the Lincoln administration, which seems kind of stupid, considering Abraham Lincoln is on the five dollar bill AND the penny. This shows his political clout and power. (Lincoln’s, not President Millard Fillmore, who was kind of a tool)
In 1853, the wife of President Millard Fillmore died. Millard was so devastated by the loss of his one true love that he waited nearly five years before he married a wealthy widow named Caroline Carmichael Macintosh. Together, they bought a mansion. This mansion was filled with “numerous portraits and busts of her husband (President Millard Fillmore)”. President Millard Fillmore apparently liked to look at pictures of himself all the live long day. As least, this is the impression that I got. On February 13th, 1874, President Millard Fillmore has a stroke. Somehow, he survived. On March 8th, 1874, he had another stroke. His rich token widow wife could not save him from the icy cloud of death. Finally, President Millard Fillmore was dead. Ironically, his death took place on the same day that he died! This would forever be the legacy of Millard “President” Fillmore.
In conclusion, Millard Fillmore was a man who overcame adversity to be a jerk and a president and a constant failure in nearly all his pursuits. I do not want to be like Millard Fillmore when I grow up. I would rather be like Thurlow Weed, who was a true American hero because of his name. I wish Thurlow Weed had a friend named John Quincy Bong or perhaps Bud Hotbox. But the question still remains: What would President Millard Fillmore say if he was alive today? The world may never know…
Bibliography
1. Encyclopedia Americana - by Glyndon G. Van Deusen
2. Millard Fillmore’s Autobiography - by Millard Fillmore
3. The Newspaper - by Associated Press |
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Be “In Charge” Of Your Breakfast
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Everyone knows breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but all too often, people either skip it completely or choose to eat something unhealthy. Another thing everyone knows is that Scott Baio is the most awesome actor ever. Yes, even more awesome than Christopher Walken. If only there was a way to combine the magic of Scott Baio with the power of breakfast! Well America, there IS a way, and we call it Scott Bay-O’s, the only breakfast cereal officially endorsed by that guy who played Chachi on TV like thirty years ago.
Scott Bay-O’s are the delicious and nutritious way to start your morning. Each crunchy Bay-O is made of oats, wheat, corn, and rice, so you can eat as many as you want without worrying about your waistline. But don't get the wrong idea. Just because Bay-O’s are good for you doesn't mean they're bland and tasteless. That's because each Bay-O is ZAPPED with just a little bit of sugar. And that's not all, because mixed in with all the O’s are fun and tasty marshmallow pieces in the shapes of classic Scott Baio characters. There are red Chachis, blue Dr. Jack Stewarts, green Bob Loblaws, and rainbow-colored Charleses! If you get lucky, you might even find a Pete Bianco, the guy he played when he guest-starred on one episode of Full House!
When it’s time for breakfast, people can’t get enough of Scott Bay-O’s, but if you don’t want to take our word for it, perhaps you will listen to these actual statements from satisfied customers who were paid to say something nice about this cereal:
“Scott Bay-O’s is the only cereal my children will eat. Because Scott Bay-O’s is the only cereal I will buy. Because it is the cheapest cereal in the store. Because I am having serious financial problems ever since I had to declare bankruptcy. Sometimes I’m afraid that the state is going to come and take my children away. But if they do that, they’d better leave my Scott Bay-O’s alone. It’s the cereal that stays crunchy, even in milk!”
Dinah S., Birmingham, AL
“I thought I'd read that Scott Baio got the death penalty after he was in ““Baby Geniuses 2: SuperBabies”, but I guess not. Just goes to show yet again that the justice system in this country is completely flawed! But what ISN‘T completely flawed is the big taste of Scott Bay-O’s! Yum! Scott Bay-O’s make EVERY day a Happy Day!”
Gary J., Bismark, ND
“Me Joanie! Not love breakfast cereal. Usually want oatmeal. Not have oatmeal last week. Have to eat Scott Bay-O’s instead. So good! Now Joanie want to eat them all the time! Joanie loves Bay-O’s!”
Joanie A., Richmond Home For The Mentally Challenged, Richmond, VA
Come on, people! What are you waiting for? Without a big heaping bowl of Scott Bay-O’’s, you’re only going to get hungrier. And for a limited time only, each box of Scott Bay-O’s will be personally autographed by Scott Baio, because really, what else does he have to do these days? Aside from approving the new Honey Nut Scott Bay-O’s, not much. Get to your local supermarket and barge into the cereal aisle as fast as you can, knocking people over if you have to. You want Scott Bay-O’s for breakfast, dang it, and you will not be denied!
Scott Bay-O’s - From the makers of Fresh Prince Of Raisin Bran, Cinnamon Toast Urkel’s, and ALF-A Bits
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