Who Is Your C.P. On-Line Dreamboat?
1. Physical appearance is the first thing you notice about a potential mate. You prefer a man who is…
A) Scrawny and pale
B) Unnaturally muscular, as if he ate Mr. Universe and three of the four runners-up
C) Ruggedly handsome, but possibly in his 60’s
D) Dressed like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean, but with no pants
E) Feathered
2. A wise man who was quite good at stating the obvious once said, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” What sort of first date would make the most ideal impression on you?
A) A trip to the Burger King, with the costs split down the middle
B) Four hours at the gym doing intense cardio
C) Rappelling into an active volcano to find lost Viking treasure, while fighting off angry natives who want to have you for a wife
D) A romantic picnic in the Southern California mountains, then romantically lighting wildfires while holding hands
E) Sharing feed from the same plate, then walking over to the barn to try and mate with the hens
3. You’’re still on that first date, and it’s time for dinner. The candles are lit and the wine has been poured. In this situation, what would be your perfect meal?
A) A hamburger with cheese, but plain. Nothing but the meat and the cheese!
B) Mass-Builder protein shakes
C) Exotic fruits and spices from the Isles of Mystery
D) Fun Dip and vodka
E) Anything but chicken
4. A home can say a lot about the person that lives there. What sort of home would your fantasy man live in?
A) An apartment in the bad part of town
B) A charming house by the lake, within walking distance of 24-Hour Fitness
C) A place called “Fort Adventure”, which is really just an apartment in the bad part of town
D) One of the rooms in Aaron Spelling’s mansion, although nobody seems to realize he lives there
E) A split level barn with A/C and central heating
5. Your dream guy suggests that tonight, instead of going out, you both stay home, cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. What movie does he rent at the Blockbuster Video?
A) A League Of Their Own (on VHS)
B) Conan The Barbarian
C) Anything in the Indiana Jones series
D) A bootleg copy of Clerks II that he bought out of a guy’s trunk on the way to the Blockbuster
E) Chicken Run
6. Back to that first date. Everything has been going just swell and the evening is drawing to a close. What is the most appropriate way to say good night?
A) Forcefully saying “No!” to the guy that is trying to grope your bathing suit area
B) Being asked if you can pose in the nude for him while he draws you
C) Receiving a beautiful necklace as a way of thanking you for a lovely evening, then being warned that the necklace is cursed by the ghost of the Emperor of the Tombs
D) Bailing your date out of jail
E) A peck on the cheek
7. With a steady job, your man will not be able to buy you clothes you’ll never wear! If it were up to you, your Prince Charming would have a job at…
A) C.P. On-Line
B) C.P. On-Line
C) C.P. On-Line
D) C.P. On-Line
E) C.P. On-Line
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Scoring: Tally up your answers and see which letter you picked the most. For example, if you picked “B” twice, “C” once, and “E” seven times, then you picked the letter “E” the most. We seriously cannot think of a way to simplify this any more than that.
- I Picked “A” The Most: Your C.P. On-Line dreamboat is… CPPres!
Lucky you! You get to spend all your time listening to the same three stories over and over and over again, while having your life intruded on by the Keepin’ It Real camera crew. And the complaining! Boy, he does a lot of complaining. But then, if YOU start to complain about something, he’ll get all high and mighty and tell you to “chill out”. You’re not going to regret this at all!
- I Picked “B” The Most: Your C.P. On-Line dreamboat is… Bizarro Jerry!
An excellent choice! He is a webmaster, an artist, AND a freakish example of bodybuilding gone berserk. Some say he has a secret identity. Some say his secret identity is mild-mannered C.P. On-Line intern Steve, but that’s ridiculous, because even though Bizarro Jerry and Intern Steve are the same size and wear the exact same clothes and are never in the same room at the same time, Steve wears a pair of glasses with no lenses in them and Bizarro Jerry does not wear glasses at all.
- I Picked “C” The Most: Your C.P. On-Line dreamboat is… World-Famous Treasure-Hunter Zach Snyder!
Well done! Nothing could be more exciting than spending all your time with Zach Snyder. He travels the globe, looking for the most valuable artifacts the world has ever known. Or at least he used to, before he got hired at C.P. On-Line. Now he just spends all his time digging holes in the basement of the C.P. On-Line offices, looking for a buried treasure that we’re beginning to suspect does not actually exist. And the more he doesn’t find the treasure, the more irritable he is getting. You might have been better off having Zach Snyder as your dreamboat six months ago.
- I Picked “D” The Most: Your C.P. On-Line dreamboat is… Founder Matt!
God help you. You might want to go back and change your answers.
- I Picked “E” The Most: Your C.P. On-Line dreamboat is… The Chicken!
Brilliant selection! Don’t get all creeped out by the idea of dating The Chicken. There is nothing “fowl” about it at all! In fact, The Chicken seems to get more ladies than any of the other staffers at C.P. On-Line, combined. He’s got a certain James Bond quality that woman can’t seem to resist. You could do a lot worse. And try not to think too hard about the fact that the most appealing man at C.P. On-Line is the one that is not human.
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