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Episode XXIV

(A New Beginning)

Original Airdate -
July 12th, 2006

Having quit his job at C.P. On-Line, CPPres has spent the last six weeks enjoying the life of the unemployed. But as the Keepin' It Real camera crew returns to his life to begin filming the new season, he has drained his savings account and has to return to work. Instead of going back to C.P On-Line, he decides it would make for great television if he tries to get a different kind of job. He spends the day wandering around town, putting in applications. More than once, a potential employer looks at CPPres' resume and says, "Why would we want to hire a college dropout whose only previous job was writing for a comedy website?" At the end of the day, CPPres is still jobless, but is upbeat about what the future holds. Whether or not it actually makes for "great television" remains up for debate.

"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood

Last week, we printed the first batch of transcripts from Bizarro Jerry’s trial, in which he is being accused of possessing illegal steroids. We left off at a very exciting part in which Jerry was about to testify in his own defense. You readers have probably been going crazy wondering how it will all end, having trouble sleeping and such. Well, the personal hell you have put yourself through over the last few days can finally come to an end because we are now proud to present the thrilling conclusion of The Trial Of Bizarro Jerry, which is also available in Spanish by pressing the SAP button on your keyboard.

As we pick up the action, Judge Henry Judge has already started the proceedings. Bizarro Jerry sits on the witness stand wearing a tuxedo that looks to be made entirely out of spandex. Prosecuting attorney Randall Carbon confers with his fellow lawyers briefly, then turns and walks toward the stand. He glares at Jerry for a moment, then turns and addresses the packed courtroom.

Randall - Ladies and gentlemen, in the next few minutes, I intend to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Bizarro Jerry is the opposite of innocent. By which I mean he is guilty. And I will not have to resort to sneaky tricks or impenetrable lawyer-speak to accomplish this goal. No, I will be able to prove my point by doing nothing more than asking Bizarro Jerry a few simple questions. (he turns to Bizarro Jerry, who is sweating profusely) Mister Jerry. You seem nervous.

Bizarro Jerry - No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no…

Judge Judge - (bangs gavel) Stop saying “no”, Mister Jerry!

Bizarro Jerry - Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry…

Judge Judge - (bangs gavel again) Maybe just stop saying anything more than a couple of times in a row.

Bizarro Jerry - Right, right, right… (wipes sweat off brow) There’s just a lot of pressure here, Judge Judge. Hey, your name is Judge Judge! Ha-ha-ha! That’s pretty funny!

Judge Judge - It’s really not, but I think it’s telling that someone who writes for C.P. On-Line would think that it is.

Randall - If we could get back to my questions, your honor. I would like to start by asking Mister Jerry how, if he does not take performance enhancing drugs, he has such gigantic muscles.

Bizarro Jerry - (pulls an index card out of his pocket and reads off of it) Because I eat a lot of mussels.

Randall - What? What’s on that index card, Mister Jerry?

Bizarro Jerry - Um… the writing staff at C.P. On-Line thought it would help me win over the court if I was entertaining, so they gave me a bunch of jokes to read.

Judge Judge - Bailiff, please confiscate Bizarro Jerry’s Joke Card. (The bailiff comes over, takes the card, tears it in half, then smacks Bizarro Jerry with a rolled-up newspaper) Okay, Mr. Carbon. You may continue.

Randall - Thank you. Now, Mister Jerry, let’s just cut to the chase. In your entire life, have you ever taken steroids?

Bizarro Jerry - No comprendo, senor.

Randall - Do not play dumb with me, Mister Jerry! I know you speak English!

Bizarro Jerry - Well, yeah. I speak English just fine, but I can’t UNDERSTAND it.

Randall - (sighs loudly) Look, let’s try another tactic here. Just for the sake of argument, let’s say you use steroids all the time.

Bizarro Jerry - Okay, as long as it’s just hypothetical.

Randall - Of course it is. Now, I can understand the temptation to take steroids if you’’re an athlete, say a surly baseball player who only cares about breaking records. But as far as I can tell, your profession does not require a great deal of manual labor. You design graphics for a comedy website. There’s no reason you should have a 51-inch chest. So here is what I’m wondering: If, hypothetically, you were taking steroids, WHY would you be taking them?

Bizarro Jerry - You could never understand. You skinny people, with your stringy little arms and your tiny brittle necks… you can’t understand the benefits of being able to take a few pills and getting big. It’s about more than enhancing your work performance. It’s a whole lifestyle. If I was taking steroids, and I’m not saying that I am, it would be because having superhuman strength helps me in all the areas of my life, from winning strongman competitions to tearing phone books in half. But if you want to know how it affects my work, that’s pretty simple too. Taking steroids helps me draw stronger.

Randall - What does that even mean?

Bizarro Jerry - Here, allow me to demonstrate. (Bizarro Jerry pulls out a sheet of paper and a pen) What would you like me to draw a picture of? A doggy?

Randall - A guilty defendant.

Bizarro Jerry - How about I just draw a picture of a doggy. (Bizarro Jerry looks at the blank paper, closes his eyes, then grabs the pen and begins madly sketching. After a moment, he snaps the pen in half) Dang it! That always happens! Stupid weak titanium pens!

Randall - Don’t worry about it, Mister Jerry. Let’s just move on. This really isn’t about why you put unnatural substances into your body, it’s simply about the fact that you do it.

Bizarro Jerry - Wait just a damn minute! Unnatural? There is nothing unnatural about steroids. Steroids are almost as pure as water. It’s just the kind of water that is artificially manufactured in a lab by scientists who screw with dangerous chemicals for a living.

Randall - I don’t think that’s really…

Bizarro Jerry - (getting quite worked up) I don’t CARE what you think. I’m the one that has to sit here and listen to these wild allegations being thrown in my direction. And from who? Some scrawny prosecutor who obviously has no idea what he is talking about! Someone who’s all up in my face because I do things that make me strong. You know what makes people strong? Spinach! So, what, are you going to try and arrest everyone who eats spinach and accuse them of taking “nature’s steroids”?! This is a witch hunt is all it is! A witch hunt, I say!

(Bizarro Jerry puts his fist through the witness stand in frustration. The witness stand explodes as if a bomb went off)

Judge Judge - (bangs his gavel) Get yourself under control right now, Mister Jerry, or I will have to continue banging this gavel until you do!

Bizarro Jerry - I’m sorry, Judge Judge. I lost my temper. I apologize.

Randall - That was a nice little performance, Mister Jerry. Very Oscar-worthy. Although I should point out that there’s a subtle difference between steroids and spinach, the difference being that most people do not cram spinach into a syringe and inject it into their ass.

Bizarro Jerry - Good point. Um… your honor, I’m getting pretty hungry sitting up here. Would you mind if I had a quick snack?

Judge Judge - I see nothing wrong with that.

Bizarro Jerry - Thanks, Judge. You’re the coolest! (Bizarro Jerry reaches down and grabs an empty bowl and a box of cereal. As he pours the cereal into the bowl, we can see that they are called “Ster-O’s” and they are produced by BALCO labs)

Randall - Your honor, I’m pretty sure Bizarro Jerry is pouring steroids into that bowl.

Bizarro Jerry - I’m afraid you’re mistaken, my friend. This is just cereal. The kind of cereal that stays crunchy in milk!

Randall - It probably stays pretty crunchy in your bloodstream too. You know, I think it’’s pretty clear that Mister Jerry is one of the biggest drug offenders this country has ever seen. There’s really no way he’s going to get away with it at this point, so I’m going to rest my case. No further questions, your honor.

Judge Judge - Very good, then. Well, Mister Jerry, do you have anything else to say in your defense before I render my verdict?

Bizarro Jerry - Actually, there is one quick thing. Would it be all right if I called a witness?

Judge Judge - Sure, why not?

Bizarro Jerry - Cool, thanks. (Jerry gets up and addresses the rapt courtroom audience) Boys and girls, I would like to call my only witness to the stand. Please gasp in shock for my witness, The Chicken!

(The courtroom gasps in shock. Murmurs run through the courtroom as The Chicken walks up to the stand, occasionally stopping to peck for grain. Once he settles in the witness chair, he looks at Bizarro Jerry expectantly)

Bizarro Jerry - Now, Mister Chicken, you work with me at C.P. On-Line, is that correct?

The Chicken - Buck-buck-buck!

Bizarro Jerry - And you would consider us to be fairly close friends, is that also correct?

The Chicken - (flaps wings) Buck-buck-buck!

Bizarro Jerry - Exactly. So obviously, if I was on ‘roids, you would know about it. And have you ever seen me take any sort of performance enhancing drugs aside from Flintstones vitamins?

The Chicken - Buck-caw! BUCK-CAW! (puffs out chest)

Bizarro Jerry - Of course. So, even though things look pretty bad for me right now, there is probably a perfectly reasonable explanation why they found all those steroids in my house that is unrelated to the fact that I am roughly the size of a Hummer. Would you mind telling these nice people that explanation?

The Chicken - Buck-buck! Buck-buck-buck-BUCK-CAW! (looks for grain) BUCK-CAW!!

(The courtroom audience “Oooooooooh!” and Judge Judge smacks his forehead)

Judge Judge - Of course! That actually does make a lot of sense. Well, I guess it’s pretty obvious that this is merely a case of mistaken identity. Mr. Carbon, I am very disappointed in the way you have wasted everyone’s time, and I would hope that in the future, you will do a little more investigation before you go around accusing people of crimes.

Randall - What the hell are you talking about? That stupid chicken didn’t SAY anything. He just clucked for a couple of minutes! This is preposterous!

Judge Judge - (chuckling) Chickens don’t lie, Mr. Prosecutor. Chickens don’t lie. Case dismissed!

(Judge Judge bangs his gavel. Everyone in the courtroom cheers. Bizarro Jerry gives The Chicken a high-five)

Bizarro Jerry - Well done, my feathered friend. Very well done. (Jerry grabs The Chicken and holds him over his head in victory as the flashbulbs go off. Freeze frame. Fade to black)

When you are a world-famous comedy website like C.P. On-Line, you get a lot of mail. About 90% of it is addressed to “Occupant”. The other 10% is pretty evenly split between hate mail, crudely wrapped packages that are ticking, and bills we have no plans to pay. And every so often, a Victoria’’s Secret catalog shows up, and we immediately take the rest of the day off…… wait, we’ve forgotten the point we were trying to make. Oh, right. It’s time for another exciting edition of the C.P. Mailbag, where you ask, we answer, you are disappointed, and we go right back to the catalog to ponder profound questions, such as, “How can an undergarment that is so small and slinky be so expensive?” Answer: We do not care.

Dear C.P. On-Line,

Last week, North Korea test-fired several missiles, including a long-range missile that failed right after launch. According to the latest calculations from the Pentagon, it appears that the long-range missile was aimed at the C.P. On-Line offices. Do you have any idea would North Korea want to blow up C.P. On-Line?

Kim

Dear Kim,

It’s not what you might think. See, a few months ago, we were a little short on cash, so we made a deal with the North Korean government wherein they would give us fifty dollars, and we would allow them to use the C.P. On-Line offices for long-range missile target practice. It was a win-win situation for everybody. The only downside was that we had to paint a giant red-and-white target on the roof and the paint cost us seventy-five bucks, which put us $25 in the hole. But don’’t worry about us. Our financial future looks bright! We’re currently in negotiations with our new friends in Iran, who say they will give us 500 nickels if we can smuggle them some uranium.

C.P. On-Line

Dear C.P. On-Line,

It is pretty obvious you people ran out of ideas like ten years ago, but I think it’’s kind of cute how you keep writing new material anyway. That being said, I was watching the launch of the space shuttle Discovery on July 4th and I thought of a great concept that might spice up your stale website. “C.P. On-Line… In Space!” What do you think?

Neil

Dear Neil,

We appreciate your suggestion, but we are not “out of ideas”. In fact, we’’ve already got our next five years worth of storylines all mapped out. For example, you’re not going to want to miss “C.P. On-Line Adopts A Cambodian Child”. Also on the horizon is the hilarious piece, “C.P. On-Line Goes To The Post Office To Buy One Stamp”. And of course, our newest idea, “C.P. On-Line… In Space!”. So, although it’’s nice of you to share, we are more than capable of coming up with material on our own. Thanks anyway!

C.P. On-Line

Dear C.P. On-Line,

An exciting World Cup recently came to an end with Italy defeating France on penalty kicks. Although I’m not a huge soccer fan, I do enjoy international competitions such as the World Cup. I think it’s interesting to watch countries come together to play sports. But my question is this: While watching the early rounds of this years World Cup, did I see a C.P. On-Line team playing in Group E? I was pretty sure it was you guys, even though I’m just as sure that C.P. On-Line is not technically a “country”. Is there an explanation for this?

Alexi

Dear Alexi,

You’’ve got a good eye, tiger! That absolutely was us at the World Cup this year representing C.P. On-Line. We put together a really strong team, including Bizarro Jerry, who can kick the ball a mile and a half; Captain Science, who is not very athletic but knows how to take a dive; Happy Rabbit, who can only run up and down the field a couple of times before he overheats in his rabbit suit; and The Chicken, who cannot be called for a handball because he does not actually have hands. Under the direction of our talented coach, World-Famous Treasure-Hunter Zach Snyder, we played some really good soccer, but ultimately were eliminated in the first round. Looking back, we didn’t really stand a chance, because we only had four players and no goalie, but we still did better than the American soccer team.

C.P. On-Line

P.S. - Thanks to the efforts of Coach World-Famous Treasure-Hunter Zach Snyder, we still ended up with the World Cup trophy, but it’s best we don’t get into exactly how THAT happened

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