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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode E
(Season Two Preview)
Original Airdate -
July 5th, 2006
An entire month of clip shows comes to a merciful end with this exclusive look at the second season of Keepin' It Real, featuring all-new never-before-seen material, presented completely out-of-context, making it look much more interesting than it actually is. Includes a new interview with CPPres, who refuses to give any details about Season Two, so the interview is pointless and annoying. This episode is followed by a re-airing of the final show of Season One and a bunch of loud reminders that the new season premieres next week.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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A couple of weeks ago, the C.P. On-Line offices were raided by FBI agents, who broke a lot of stuff and shoved Happy Rabbit down a flight of stairs. Somewhere in all the chaos, they arrested staff writer Bizarro Jerry for illegal possession and use of steroids. Once they had Jerry in custody, they shot flaming arrows at the C.P. On-Line offices, which we thought was kind of unnecessary, especially because it took us most of the night to put out the fire. We complained to the agents, but they muttered something about "national security" and shoved Happy Rabbit down the stairs again.
Bizarro Jerry has been in jail since then and Happy Rabbit has been in traction, which is why the website updates have been kind of sparse recently. But Bizarro Jerry's trial started today, so we're hoping that everything gets worked out. In an effort to keep you, the concerned readers, as updated as possible on this riveting storyline, we are printing the transcript from today's court proceedings, even though it is quite possible we are breaking the law by doing so. |
(The Trial of Bizarro Jerry - Day One)
A packed courtroom rises as Judge Henry Judge approaches the bench. Bizarro Jerry stands near his attorney, World-Famous Treasure-Hunter Zach Snyder. Jerry is wearing an orange jumpsuit that is struggling to contain his massive muscles.
Judge Judge - You may all be seated. (puts on his glasses and looks over some paperwork) Okay, this is the case of the United States of America Vs. Bizarro Jerry, who is accused…
Zach Snyder - (standing up) Objection, your honor! Leading the witness!
Judge Judge - What? Sit down, Mr. Snyder. You are out of bounds.
Zach Snyder - You can not speak to me like that! I am World-Famous Treasure-Hunter Zach Snyder! I am the finder of the Red Diamond of Thailand! The discoverer of the tomb of King Pope the Ancient! I know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop! You will listen when I speak!
Judge Judge - Bailiff.
(The bailiff nods, walks over to Zach Snyder, and cracks him in the back of the head with his baton. Zach drops like a ton of bricks)
Judge Judge - Now perhaps we can get to business. Mr. Jerry, you are accused of possessing and using illegal steroids. How do you plead?
Bizarro Jerry - Absolutely 100% not guilty, your honor. I have never taken a steroid in my life. My incredible physique is the result of doing 25 push-ups every morning, including weekends and holidays. In fact, I don't even know what the word "steroid" means. Is it a kind of stair? (shrugs) I don't know!
Judge Judge - Of course you don't. Well, as you have pleaded not guilty, the prosecution may now call its first witness.
(The lead attorney for the prosecution, a slickly dressed lawyer by the name of Randall Carbon, rises)
Randall - Thank you, your honor. And let me thank you for presiding over this case. I believe you will find that the defendant is not only guilty of taking illegal steroids, but that he is NOT guilty of NOT taking steroids. Oh yes. I would like to begin by calling a local resident to the stand, Mrs. Gladys Martin.
(A murmur runs through the courtroom as elderly Mrs. Martin makes her way to the stand. Bizarro Jerry absent-mindedly bends a steel pipe into a pretzel shape. The bailiff places Mrs. Martin's right hand on the Bible)
Bailiff - Mrs. Martin, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
Mrs. Martin - (looking at the book her hand is resting on) This isn't the Bible, young man. It's a bunch of Reader's Digests with a rubber-band around them.
Bailiff - Reader's Digest, the Holy Bible… they're both about teaching lessons, okay? Now do you swear or don't you?
Mrs. Martin - Yes, yes. (points at the Reader's Digest on the top) Do you mind if I take this issue. It's got an interview with that delightful George Clooney fellow.
Randall - We'll see what we can do. Now please, have a seat Mrs. Martin. You were the one who originally alerted the authorities about the activities of the defendant. Why don't you tell the courtroom what happened last month that made you suspect that Bizarro Jerry might be using steroids to increase his muscle mass.
Mrs. Martin - Oh, yes. I remember that day. Once the sun starts staying out later, the neighborhood kids like to play baseball in the street in front of my house. Oh, how I enjoy sitting on the front porch with a pitcher of iced tea, watching the children hit the ball and run the bases. And the laughter. Oh, the laughter of children. It keeps me young.
Randall - Very touching, Mrs. Martin, but could you please get to the Bizarro Jerry part?
Mrs. Martin - Of course, young man. So this one day, the children were putting together their little game, but they were one player short. It looked like there was going be no baseball, but it just so happened that Mr. Jerry was walking by at that moment, and the kids asked him if he would join in. Oh, how happy they were when he said yes. So the second inning comes around, and Bizarro Jerry comes up to the plate with two on and nobody out. And he hit a home run. It was at that moment I knew something was fishy with the man in the skin-tight spandex suit.
Judge Judge - Just because he hit a home run?
Randall - It's not just that he HIT the home run, your honor. Mrs. Martin, can you estimate the distance that the home run traveled?
Mrs. Martin - Well, last I'd heard, it still hadn't landed yet.
(Bizarro Jerry jumps up)
Bizarro Jerry - That doesn't mean anything! I got a good swing on a bad pitch! It happens all the time, lady! Why would that automatically make you think I was juiced up on 'roids?!
Mrs. Martin - Because after you crossed home plate, you lifted my car over your head.
Bizarro Jerry - You drive a Jetta! It's not that heavy!
Mrs. Martin - With one hand. (The judge bangs his gavel)
Judge Judge - Sit down, Mr. Jerry! You are not to speak to the witness, do you understand? Your remarks will be stricken from the record!
Randall - Thank you, your honor. And thank YOU, Mrs. Martin. I have no further questions. You've been very helpful. (Mrs. Martin grabs the Reader's Digest with the George Clooney interview and leaves the witness stand while flipping through the magazine. Randall turns back to the judge) I would now like to call my second witness, a man who has worked with the defendant at Commercial Parodies On-Line for almost a year, and who will tell you his first-hand account of seeing Bizarro Jerry abuse all sorts of illegal steroids. I call to the stand CPPres!
(A murmur runs through the courtroom as CPPres makes his way to the stand. Although he is usually pale and awkwardly dressed, as he settles into his chair, we can see that he is tanned, toned and wearing a stylish sport coat and expensive sunglasses. His bleached teeth glow unnaturally. Also, he is surrounded by a camera crew)
Judge Judge - Mr. Pres, what is the meaning of bringing all these cameras into this courtroom? It is against the law to televise the proceedings of a federal case!
CPPres - It's okay, your honor. They're with me. These guys are the cameramen for my reality show, "CPPres: Keepin' It Real", a show whose second season premieres July 12th. Check your local listings.
Judge Judge - I most certainly will not.
CPPres - You really should. This season is going to be even better than the first. As you can see, I hired a personal stylist. We spent almost six hours picking out these sunglasses.
Judge Judge - People who wear sunglasses indoors look like idiots. The only exception to that rule is Jack Nicholson. You are not Jack Nicholson, so take off those sunglasses in my courtroom, you idiot.
(CPPres reluctantly removes his eyewear and glares at the judge)
CPPres - You're not going to come off looking so great on my reality show.
Randall - Mr. Pres, please state your full name for the record.
CPPres - My name is CPPres. It's one word.
Randall - If it's one word, shouldn't it be pronounced "cpres" instead of "cee-pee-prez"?
CPPres - I have that argument with people a lot.
Randall - That's not your real name, is it?
CPPres - Of course it is.
Randall - May I remind you that you are under oath, Mr. Pres?
CPPres - No, I'm not. I never took the oath.
Judge Judge - Bailiff.
Bailiff - (walks over to the witness stand and smacks CPPres upside the head with the stack of Reader's Digests) Tell the truth!
Randall - Now that you've been oathed, we can go back to my question. Is CPPres your real name?
CPPres - (angrily rubbing his head where he was smacked) That's completely irrelevant! This trial is about Bizarro Jerry injecting himself in the neck with methandrostenolone, boldenone, and stanozolol that he illegally imports from Columbia, not about whether the name I go by now is the name I was given when I was born!
Randall - Calm down, Mr. Pres. There's no need to get all worked up. It was just a harmless question. Let's try a different one. In all the time you've worked with the defendant at C.P. On-Line, have you ever witnessed him using steroids?
CPPres - There is very interesting answer to that question, and that answer can be found at some point during Season Two of "Keepin' It Real", which returns with brand new episodes on July 12th.
Judge Judge - (bangs his gavel) That is an unacceptable response, Mr. Pres. I will not allow my courtroom to become a forum for you to hype your television program. It's bad enough we have to keep mentioning the website you both write for.
CPPres - Ah, but there is where you are wrong. I no longer work for C.P. On-Line. I quit in the next-to-last episode of Season One of "Keepin' It Real". That was a pretty big plot twist. Now you probably feel stupid for not watching it, because you don't know WHAT'S going on.
Judge Judge - (to Randall) Can you explain to me why you called this moron as a witness?
Randall - Um… well… the producer of "Keepin' It Real" told me he'd give me $300 if I put CPPres on the stand.
Judge Judge - I will give you $400 if you get rid of him right now.
Randall - Money talks, so CPPres walks. (turns back to CPPres) Mr. Pres, no further questions.
CPPres - Understood. Would it be okay if I get in one last plug for my show before I leave?
Judge Judge - Anything you say from this point on will be stricken from the record.
CPPres - (reply missing from official transcript. There is only a small handwritten note that says "Mr. Pres was found in contempt of court had to be removed by force")
Judge Judge - Is it just me, or was he throwing a hissy fit as he was getting dragged out of the courtroom?
Randall - I bet we don't see THAT scene on his reality show. (Judge Judge and Randall laugh heartily and give each other a high-five) Now, back to the trial. I have over three hundred more witnesses to call to the stand, but I think it would be more effective if I was just to bring one man up here and let him dig his own grave. Your honor, I call Bizarro Jerry to the stand!
(A murmur runs through the courtroom as Bizarro Jerry makes his way to the stand. He sits down, looking nervous. He pulls a bottle labeled "Steroids" out of his pocket, dumps a few suspicious-looking pills into his hand, and tosses them in his mouth)
Randall - Mr. Jerry, what did you just pour out of that bottle?
Bizarro Jerry - These? No, you've got me all wrong. These are Tic-Tacs. I eat them when I'm nervous or need to crush a brick with my bare hands or move a house from one end of the block to the other. They're the one-and-one-half calorie breath mint, you know.
Judge Judge - Mr. Jerry, I think we're all very interested in what you have to say, but I'm afraid it will have to wait until our next session, because we have run out of time.
Bizarro Jerry - Darn!
Randall - But your honor, I'm kind of on a roll here!
Judge Judge - You can continue your roll in the morning. But America's Got Talent is going to be on in less than ten minutes, and if you know Judge Judge, you know he doesn't miss anything with Regis.
Bizarro Jerry - Then you must've loved all the endless Who Wants To Be A Millionaire jokes we used to do on C.P. On-Line!
Judge Judge - (rolls eyes) Yes, that never got old. Anyway, court is adjourned until tomorrow at 9:00am. (bangs gavel) Bailiff.
(The bailiff puts on a gas mask, then begins pepper-spraying everyone in the courtroom. This is where the transcript ends)
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Next week, the exciting conclusion to the trial of Bizarro Jerry. Will he be found innocent or will he get the chair? Will there be a surprise witness or will Bizarro Jerry get the chair? If Bizarro Jerry goes to a furniture store and can only buy one item, will he get the coffee table or will he get the chair? All will be revealed next Monday here at C.P. On-Line, whether you're here or not! But if you're not here, you will feel empty inside, so why not just be here, okay?
To Be Continued…
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