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This Week on
Episode D
(The Best of The Best Of Keepin' It Real)
Original Airdate -
June 28th, 2006
If you've missed the last three weeks of Keepin' It Real clip shows, you're in luck, because the producers have assembled a clip show featuring all the best of the clip shows. This episode is only eight-and-a-half minutes long, but it features twenty-one-and-a-half minutes of all the best commercials that have aired during the Keepin' It Real clip shows.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
Dear Loyal Readership,
The C.P. On-Line writing staff is on vacation this week, doing what we do every vacation, namely, looking for a different place to work. While we're away, enjoy this classic comedy piece from the vast and dusty C.P. Archives. We'll be back next Monday with brand-new never before seen material, unless we succeed in finding a new job, in which case we will just rerun this piece until the end of time. Until next week...
The MSN Fall Television Preview
(originally published in the C.P. Bulletin: Volume 3, Issue 6 - September 21, 2001)
Although the C.P. Bulletin generally takes place in it's own self contained world, there are a number of other related back-stories. One of these back-stories involves the show this Bulletin was spawned from, Commercial Parodies. Now, in the years we actually performed Commercial Parodies, we claimed that our show aired on a small television network called MSN. (This was before MSN had anything to do with Microsoft. We swear) MSN was the brainchild of Founder Matt, who for a couple of years in his youth, would sit down every fall and write out the entire fall schedule of shows that would be airing on MSN that season. No, seriously. He did. This is what happens when you are an only child and your parents don't let you out much. Well, in the years since Commercial Parodies went off the air, MSN has continued to thrive, or so we are saying for the purposes of this bit. What follows is a look at some of the shows which you will find on MSN in the upcoming season, which goes to prove that after almost ten years, we've run out of new ideas and are raiding the decade -old, demented ideas of a twelve-year old kid. This is probably not good news.
SUNDAY
8:00 PM: Dateline MSN - Join respected news anchors Rock Phillips and Scantily-Clad College Coed as they give you an in-depth look at the current events that matter to you. Political news, consumer reports, and jiggly dancing will give you something to talk about around the water cooler Monday morning. Mostly what you will be saying is, "Why was respected news anchor Rock Phillips dancing so jiggly?"
9:00 PM: Law and Order: Ideas We Threw Out For The Other Three Law And Order Shows - What else do you want? We've got law. We've got order. Does anything else really matter? Shut up and watch.
10:00 PM: The Stephen Baldwin Show - Famous Baldwin Stephen stars in this situation comedy about an actor with like nine more famous brothers. The pilot features guest stars Alec Baldwin, Jeff and Beau Bridges, and the M&M from that commercial Stephen did.
MONDAY
8:00 PM: The Strongest Link - MSN's entry into the game show genre takes a clever concept and adds unnecessary violence. See, instead of the red-headed lady making cruel comments to the players, the players punch her right in the glasses. "And THAT'S my final answer", they say, even though that had nothing to do with the question. Every episode is almost exactly the same, yet people can't seem to get enough of this. It's weird.
9:00 PM: Everybody Loves Monday Night Football - Can't decide between Football and Raymond? Here. We've got a split-screen of both shows. Now you can watch them both at the same time, while we play the audio for the episode of Ally McBeal that's ALSO airing. It makes no sense. There's like six shows on TV worth watching, and half of them are on at the same time. What IS that?
10:00 PM: Freakin' Weird Stuff - The official spin-off to Commercial Parodies, now entering it's fourth season. Giving a small description wouldn't give this show justice, so visit the official web-site at www.commercialparodies.com/fws. (And yes, it is possible this whole bit was created solely to make that plug)
TUESDAY
8:00 PM: That 30's Show - Watch as a bunch of wise-cracking teenagers jitterbug their way through America's wackiest decade. This show may be set during the depression, but you'll be anything BUT depressed as these kids get up at five every morning to try to grow crops in vast fields of un-fertile dust. HA-HA-HA!! Careful, kids! Pa doesn't like it when you break his plow! (Note: That 30's Show uses a laugh track)
8:30 PM: Don't Eat THAT! - Tune in every week to see contestants eat dangerous food for dollars. Each contestants gets to choose between eating what's in the box, or what's behind the curtain. Here's a hint: Always eat what's in the box. (Note: Don't Eat THAT! uses a laugh track)
9:00 PM: Goodwrench - In the spirit of NBC's new sitcom Emeril, MSN presents ANOTHER show starring a guy who has no good reason for having his own sitcom. Mr. Goodwrench plays a famous car repairman with a love-starved wife and wise-cracking kids, who always gets into wack-wack-wacky situations! You'll never look at sell-out car repairmen the same way again! (Note: Goodwrench does not use a laugh track, because we can not figure out where the jokes are)
9:30 PM: Doomed - Finally, a reality show you can really get behind. We dropped a bunch of people in the middle of the desert with no food, no water, and no hope. It's funny to watch people bicker and quarrel when you know that they're doomed. Especially because they were dumb enough to fall for the "Sign Up For A New Reality Show and Win $10,000,000" thing on our website. What people will do for fame.
10:00 PM: 168 - Over a span of a week, each hour a different episode, FBI agent Jack Bonner must stop an assassination attempt on a popular presidential candidate. Early buzz is strong for this show, which airs in real time. All we can say is we really hope this show works, cause we kinda had to sign them for seven seasons.
WEDNESDAY
8:00 PM: Typecast - The guy from that one show, you know, the one who played that great character? Well, he's in this new show, but he's trying to make people forget about the other character he played, so he's made this new character almost exactly the same. Yeah. And they've already re-written and re-shot the first episode four times. Yes sir, this ALWAYS works. Heck, maybe THIS show should be called "Doomed".
9:00 PM: The Congressman's Office - The West Wing is so popular, that we created this show to tap into that same audience. Bob Smith is a city council member in a small town in Ohio, and he runs for Congress. He doesn't win. In fact, he's defeated in a landslide, but he has a lot of dreams about what we would have done if he won. This show is those dreams. Watch Bob pass legislation. Watch Bob shake the hands of old people. Watch Bob eat a giant taco while dancing with the Rockettes in his underwear. Just watch, okay?
10:00 PM: 20/100 - Not just another newsmagazine. 20/100 is the newsmagazine that's aired entirely out-of-focus. To be honest, it's just Sunday's episode of Dateline MSN, but when it's THIS blurry, you really can't tell. We garble the sound too.
THURSDAY
8:00 PM: Static and Test Patterns - This collection of our very best static and test patterns runs opposite Friends, Survivor: Africa, and Whose Line Is It Anyway. We suspect that the only people who will be watching MSN during this block of time are old people whose remote controls are malfunctioning. And even then, we're not so sure.
8:30 PM: Jazzstars - We got the freshest, hottest jazz producer in America, and our cameras are on as scores of ultra-white teenage boys and girls audition to be in his new group, N*Jazz. This show seems to work in spite of itself.
9:00 PM: Law and Order: Temptation Island - Law and Order creator Dick Wolf breaks new ground with this new spin-off, which takes a bunch of grizzled judges and district attorneys, and puts them on an island with uninhibited swinging singles. Hosted by Bobcat Goldthwait, and featuring special guest appearances by Rock Phillips as a jiggly dancer, new teen supergroup N*Jazz, and Sam Waterston.
10:00 PM: MSN Smackdown! - A comprehensive weekly look at the stock market and the latest business news. Economical analysts Andrea Bach and Michael Duncan provide you with financial tips and interviews with all the heavy hitters throughout the business world.
FRIDAY
8:00 PM: Hospital Drama - One of our interns snuck a camera into a hospital. Now he walks around and looks for drama. This is what happens when our budget for new shows starts to run out. Formerly known as Law and Order: Hospital Something Or Other (Note: Hospital Drama uses a laugh track)
9:00 PM: The MSN Movie Of The Week - Take a load off and stay home on Friday night. MSN airs some of Hollywood's biggest blockbusters that we taped off pay-per-view. First up: The last fifteen minutes of Cast Away and the first hour of Monkeybone.
10:15 PM: The Best Commercials You've Never Seen... And Some You Have - This is not a television show per se. It's more like a way to pay our bills. While this show has no host and runs for forty-five minutes straight with no breaks, we went ahead and added a laugh track anyway.
SATURDAY
8:00 PM: Touched By Angel - The WB's David Boreanaz and CBS's Roma Downey co-star in this unique series about a vampire who teams up with this lady with an accent to solve mysteries and run a massage parlor. At least that's what we hear. We haven't actually seen this one yet, mostly by choice.
9:00 PM: Vewy, Vewy Quiet - Elmer Fudd stars in this new animated series, which finds him retiring from hunting wabbits, and settling down to waise a famwy. Elmer takes a job as a wealtor, and weally, weally likes it. Chwistina Wicci pwovides the voice of Elmer's wife, Wachel. Hopefully, this show will be on the air from duck season alllll the way to wabbit season.
10:00 PM: Awards Show - Every week, MSN is proud to air a different, yet truly definitive awards show. Frankly, we've got so many awards shows lined up, we almost had to run this twice a week. In the upcoming weeks, you'll see the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards, The NAACP Image Awards, The Soul Train Awards, The Miss Canada Pageant, The VH1/Vogue Fashion Awards, The Awards Show Awards For Excellence In Awards Shows and The Oscars.
Yes, MSN has a great prime-time lineup this season, so be sure to tune in. And not just in prime time. Don't miss our great daytime fare, such as Law and Order High, soap opera Wichita Beach and talk-show Men and Women... They Just Aren't The Same At All!! We hope to see YOU watching MSN this fall!
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The Next Logical Step
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Even though we’re changing the way our pocket calculators are powered, you can bet we’re not going to change the way that work. Will you still be able to multiply and figure out percentages? Of course! Will our calculator still feature buttons like +/-, CE, and that MRC button nobody ever needs? Without a doubt! Can it figure out the cosine? Nope! It’s a pocket calculator, not a scientific calculator. We’ve only got 16 buttons to work with here. Is there any threat of a meltdown? Sure! When you’re working with something as volatile as nuclear power, there is ALWAYS a threat of a meltdown. But it’s not LIKELY. Nevertheless, you probably don’t want to let the kids play with it.
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