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This Week on
Episode C
(The Best Of Keepin' It Real Part 3)
Original Airdate - June 21st, 2006
We ask regular people on the street to talk about their favorite moments from Keepin' It Real - Season One, and then we show the clips. But there are three problems. The first problem is that most of the regular people on the street don't have any idea what Keepin' It Real is. The second problem is that the people that DO know about Keepin' It Real don't seem to have any "favorite" moments and would rather get into fistfights with our camera crew. And problem number three is that we forgot to get the regular people on the street to sign release forms, so we're not really allowed to air this episode anyway.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
The Mind-Numbing Adventures Of The Friendly Happy Forest
Today's Lesson: Bullies
It was another picturesque day in the Friendly Happy Forest. A light breeze was blowing, the air smelled sweet, and the Friendly Happy Ants were busily gathering food for the queen. A few yards down from the anthill, two Friendly Happy Zebras were romping through the wildflowers. They were jumping and running and tra-la-la. The first Friendly Happy Zebra turned to his friend and said, “Hooray! It is fun to romp and play!”
“We should romp and play some morel” said the other Friendly Happy Zebra.
“Hooray!” shouted the first Friendly Happy Zebra. “Romping and playing never gets old and tra-la-la!”
They romped and played in a friendly way that was also happy, and probably would have continued to do so for most of the day, when they romped around a corner and ran smack into the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra.
“Oops,” said the first Friendly Happy Zebra. “We did not mean to run into you. We got so busy romping and playing that we forgot to watch where we were going I”
“You’d better learn how to watch where you’re going”, snapped the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra. “You two are pretty stupid, you know that?”
“Why do you call us stupid?”, asked the second Friendly Happy Zebra. “That is not nice.”
“Because it would be even LESS nice if I was to call you ugly””, replied the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra. “But now that I look at you up close, you really ARE ugly. Your stripes are all crooked and you have a long face!”
These harsh words caused the first Friendly Happy Zebra to cry. “Those are mean things to say”, he said through his tears. “You are a mean Friendly Happy Zebra!”
The Friendly Happy Bully Zebra got up in the second Friendly Happy Zebra’’s face and said, “Now you listen to me. I don’t ever want to see you romping and playing in this part of the Friendly Happy Forest ever again, and if you do, I’ll make you sorry!” Then he butted his head into the second Friendly Happy Zebra’s side. “You both get on out of here!”
“You can’t talk to us like that!” cried the first Friendly Happy Zebra. “We are Friendly Happy Zebras, just like you! And the Friendly Happy Forest is free for all Friendly Happy creatures to romp in and tra-la-la!”
“Not anymore”, said the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra. ““Now go! And you’d better not go telling your parents about this, or else you’ll REALLY get it. Don’t test me! I am bigger than you and my black stripes are REALLY black.”
The two Friendly Happy Zebras ran away in fear, and the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra went back to stomping on Friendly Happy Dung Beetles for fun.
Shaken, the Friendly Happy Zebras ran right home and went straight to their parents, who listened to the story with concern. After the tale was complete, the Friendly Happy Daddy Zebra nuzzled the Friendly Happy Zebras in a fatherly way and said, “You boys were right to come to us with this. You can’t let bullies tell you what to do. I’m going to go and talk to that Bully Zebra’s Friendly Happy Parents and let them know what he has been doing. And as for the two of you, the best way to stop a bully is to just ignore him. Bullies get their kicks out of seeing you react with fear. If the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra calls you names or tells you not to romp in a certain place, you just ignore him. Pretty soon, when he sees you aren’t afraid of him anymore, he will get bored and leave you alone!”
“That is really great advice.” said the first Friendly Happy Zebra. “I feel much better. Now we can romp and play without fear!””
“And that’s the best way to romp and play!” said the second Friendly Happy Zebra, and they all shared a hearty zebra laugh.
Later on that day, the Friendly Happy Zebras were romping and playing with even more tra-la-la than before, and sure enough, they bumped into the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra. “Well, well, well”, said the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra. “If it isn’t the zebras who I enjoy intimidating because being a bully makes me feel like a big man, even though deep down inside I have some real self-esteem issues. Didn’t I tell you two stupid zebras this area was off-limits?”
The first Friendly Happy Zebra leaned over to his friend and whispered, ““Just ignore him, like my dad said.”
The second Friendly Happy Zebra shook his head and replied, “I have a better idea.”
That was when the second Friendly Happy Zebra leapt into the air and dropkicked the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra right in the face. Blood and teeth sprayed across the Friendly Happy Forest and the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra collapsed to the ground in pain, his black and white stripes stained with red. Then the second Friendly Happy Zebra turned to his friend with crazed eyes and screamed, “Kick him in the nuts! Kick him in the nuts!!”
The first Friendly Happy Zebra hesitated, but decided this would be MUCH more satisfying than just ignoring a bully. He kicked the Friendly Happy Bully Zebra so hard that he ended up pissing blood for two weeks. Kick, kick, kick! Stomp, stomp, stomp! The Friendly Happy Bully Zebra really had no chance. It was sheer luck that a pride of Friendly Happy Lions happened to be passing by. The two Friendly Happy Zebras, distracted by the severe beating they were giving out, did not have any idea the Friendly Happy Lions were there until it was too late. The Friendly Happy Bully Zebra was the only one who was not devoured, because the Friendly Happy Lions were pretty sure he was already dead. It was not the best day he ever had, but it certainly could have been worse. After that incident, he did not stop being a bully, but he sure as hell made sure to only pick on zebras who were much smaller than he was. And it was the friendliest, happiest decision he ever made.
(The Friendly Happy Forest series - Copyright 2006 Friendly Happy Productions)
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The Next Logical Step
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