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Episode B

(The Best Of Keepin' It Real Part 2)

Original Airdate -
June 14th, 2006

Enjoy twenty-nine and a half minutes of previously aired footage from Keepin' It Real - Season One, plus a never-before-seen clip that we don't air until the last thirty seconds of the episode and is blurry and out of focus.

"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood

In addition to running the C.P. Bulletin, overseeing the website, and bribing French figure skating judges, Founder Matt is also a heavy hitter in the field of television. He has created a number of shows, all under the pseudonym Ingrid E. Gonzales (though he makes his colleagues call him F.M. Flutterbunny). His latest show, a midseason replacement currently airing on MSN, was conceived a few months ago when someone asked him the fateful question, "Look, Ingrid... sorry... F.M. Flutterbunny... can you maybe make us a show that doesn't suck? One that's gonna get some friggin' ratings?!" Founder Matt's response was to create a family sitcom, one that was guaranteed to "get some friggin' ratings". The following is a transcript of an episode of that sitcom, entitled "The Ratings". You will notice that the episode isn't as long as a normal episode of a typical sitcom. That's because each episode of "The Ratings" runs about five and a half minutes. Market research indicates that the public has a real short attention span, and Founder Matt LOVES his market research. Good for him, bad for this intro, because we probably lost you people all the way back at the first F.M. Flutterbunny.

MSN Presents The Ratings: Episode Four - A Very Ratings Christmas

(We see the typical establishing shot of the Ratings' house. It is a bright shiny beautiful day. We quickly cut to the interior of the house, and see 16-year old Amy Rating sitting on the couch watching TV. Her dad, Andy Rating, walks in from the kitchen)

Andy - Hey there, attractive 16-year old blond daughter! What're you doing?

Amy - (rolls eyes) Dad! You're embarrassing me!

Andy - (laughs) Silly hot daughter. The guys sure love you when you do photo spreads in this month's Maxim! Anyway, I was wondering if you'd seen your brother.

Amy - (rolls eyes) Arthur? He's probably out with his revolving-door of quirky yet gorgeous girlfriends.

Andy - (laughs) Our Arthur sure has quite a way with the ladies. For a handsome 19-year old stud, he sure works out and walks around shirtless a lot!

(Andy's wife, Annie Rating, walks in the room. She is a retired supermodel, and wears a spandex leotard)

Annie - Andy, the plumber is here. Should I show him the leaky faucet?

Andy - Actually dear, could you have him come in here? I have an announcement to make.

Amy - (rolls eyes) An announcement? That's SO embarrassing... and this shirt is so constricting... (unbuttons top button)

(The plumber walks in the living room with a pipe wrench. He is played by Charlie Sheen)

Plumber - You wanted to see me, Mr. Rating?

Andy - That's right kids! Daddy has some very exciting news! (spreads arms wide) The Ratings are going to have Christmas!

Amy - (rolls eyes) Dad!

(Theme song plays)

They're a family just like you and me. The Ratings!

They will be whatever you want them to be. The Ratings!

They'll do whatever it takes, to get you to watch.

Lowbrow humor and kicks to the crotch.

Whatever currently pleases the majority. The Ratings!

(It's three hours later, and Andy Rating is adorning the front room with festive decorations. Annie Rating trims the tree, and Charlie Sheen stands in the middle of the room holding the pipe wrench, next to a sign that says "Charlie Sheen". Amy Rating continues to sit on the couch, much to her father's chagrin)

Andy - Amy! I know you're hot in that schoolgirl kind of way, but can you please help us decorate? You don't seem to be in the Christmas spirit!

Amy - (rolls eyes) Dad! It's July! Nobody celebrates Christmas in July. You're so lame that if there was a lame Olympics, you'd win the gold medal.

Annie - Don't talk to your father like that, dear. Instead, feel free to stare at the plumber. Doesn't he look an awful lot like Charlie Sheen, star of Spin City and Two and A Half Men?

(There is a longish pause, which we will fill with applause in post-production)

Andy - Ho, ho, ho! I think I hear your brothers car pulling in the driveway! Won't he be excited to see how nice the house looks?

Amy - Yeah... if he's a big fan of lame! (rolls eyes)

Annie - What did I tell you, Amy? (points) Charlie Sheen!

(Arthur Rating walks in the house with a hot brunette played by Woody Harrelson)

Arthur - Hey everyone. I'd like you to meet Woody... I mean Wendy.

Andy - Hello there, Wendy! (lifts glass of eggnog) Cheers!

Arthur - So Dad, how are the ratings so far?

Andy - That a good question. Let's ask our neighbor, Mr. Nielsen! (Mr. Nielsen pops up from behind the couch with a clipboard) So, how're them ratings so far? Are we... Natural Born Killin' 'em? (Andy gives thumbs-up to Wendy, who looks at Charlie Sheen and mouths "what is going on here?")

Mr. Nielsen - I'm afraid not, Andy. The ratings are abysmal.

Andy - So this Christmas shtick isn't working?

Amy - (rolls eyes) What did you expect, Dad? Who wants to watch you be lame? Gosh, it really is hot in here. (unbuttons next button)

Arthur - You know what sis, you're right. It IS hot! (Arthur rips his shirt off and begins flexing) Yeah, this is the pose that got me in this month's Oprah Magazine, on newsstands now.

Andy - Well done, son. (looks hopefully at Mr. Nielsen) Any changes yet? Did that give us a boost?

Mr. Nielsen - (shakes head) You have to understand that you're on opposite re-runs of 90210.

(Santa Claus walks in living room. He is played by Michael Jordan)

Santa - Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

Andy - Look, kids! It's Santa Claus!

Amy - (rolls eyes) Laaaaaaame! By the way, if it's supposed to be Christmas, why is Mom putting up menorahs and four-leaf clovers?

Andy - Silly Amy! It's called "appealing to the demographic".

Amy - So our demographic is Jewish Leprechauns?

Santa - Who's been a good little girl this year? Have you been watching Washington Wizards basketball games and drinking Gatorade?

Amy - Aren't you retired? Shouldn't you be getting doing some Hanes commercials with Kevin Bacon or something? You really got no game this year.

Annie - Come on, dear. That's no way to talk to Santa.

(Arthur kicks Andy in the crotch)

Arthur - Merry Christmas, Dad!

All - Merry Christmas everybody, from the Ratings family to your family!

Mr. Nielsen - (checking his clipboard) Good work, Ratings! Your ratings have gone from abysmal to dismal!

Andy - Enron! (gives thumbs up to camera and winks. End credits roll)

Announcer - Tune in next week for a Very Special Episode of The Ratings. Andy and Annie find out Amy is pregnant. Is the father special guest star Justin Timberlake or is the father special guest star Britney Spears? Also, look for music superstars U2 as "the plumber". The Ratings is a F.M. Flutterbunny Production in association with Imagine Entertainment.

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My Fellow Americans

You try hard to be patriotic. You support the war effort. You have an American Flag bumper sticker on your SUV. The only thing you eat is hot dogs and apple pie. And when you meet somebody from another country, you sock them in the neck as hard as you can. Yes, it’s hard to spend every waking moment sticking up for the good ol’ U.S.A., but you’re doing your part. But what about your pets? A study shows that almost 85% of American pets do not consider themselves to be pro-America. This is unacceptable, especially in these troubled times when we as Americans can trust no one. You don’t want to turn your beloved family pets over to the government, but if you can’t trust them, what other choice do you have? How do you make a domesticated animal prove its national loyalty? Should you send it to Iraq? There’s got to be a better way!

That’s where I come in. My name is Peter Smith, but you can call me Patriotic Pete, and just in time for Memorial Day, I’m offering a very special service that will transform your pets from possible traitors to productive members of the Union. What is this incredible procedure? I’ll answer you by asking a question: What is the most patriotic animal of all? Exactly. The bald eagle. So logic would dictate that if your animal was bald, it would love America. I, Patriotic Pete, will make your pets bald.

It doesn’t matter what kind of animal you have. A kitty or a doggy or a llama or a bunny rabbit. As long as it has hair on the top of its head, I can make it patriotic. Here’s how it works:

1) Send me a picture of your potentially un-American pet and a money order or cash (Sorry, no credit cards)

2) I hunt your animal down and shoot it with a tranquilizer gun. Sometimes the tranquilizer gun stops the animal’s heart, but a lot of times it doesn’t

3) I apply a generous coating of lather to the animal’s furry little head

4) Straight razor

5) God bless America!

It’s incredibly simple and painless, as least for me. And then you can rest easy, knowing that you have done the right thing as an American citizen. When your animal is bald like the eagle, your animal does not need amnesty, because it obviously belongs here. But wait, you say! I have a turtle or a fish or one of those hairless Mr. Bigglesworth-type cats. How can you make THEM bald when they don’t have any hair to begin with? Don’t worry. I’ve already figured that out. White spray paint.

So what are you waiting for? The time is near when the government is going to have to round up all disloyal people and animals and plants and march them right into the ocean at gunpoint. Do you want that to happen to Rover or Fluffy or Quackers the duck? Of course not. Because your pets love freedom. Make them prove it by calling me, Patriotic Pete, and I will shave them bald. And the home of the brave! (Disclaimer: Patriotic Pete refuses to work on German Shepards, Irish Setters, Wireless Cows, bears from Iran, or space crocodiles. Se habla espanol!)

Patriotic Pete - Shaving Animals Bald Since I Got This Idea Last Thursday