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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode XXIII
(What A Crazy Party - Season Finale)
Original Airdate -
May 24th, 2006
After quitting his job at C.P. On-Line, CPPres goes home to figure out what to do next. After pacing back and forth for an hour, it dawns on him that he really should have known what he was going to do next BEFORE he quit his job. It is about this time that the producer of Keepin' It Real informs CPPres that this is the last day the camera crew will be filming him. Deciding to put off thoughts of his future until tomorrow, CPPres tells the crew that they should all go downtown and celebrate the special time they've spent together.
Later on, as CPPres and the camera crew hop from bar to bar, they pass a club called Exclusive and inside Exclusive, CPPres can hear his song playing on the dance floor. Happy beyond belief that "What A Crazy Party" has made it to the club scene, even after everyone on MTV said that it sucked, he tries to dart into the club, but is stopped at the door by a bouncer. CPPres tries to explain to the bouncer that he wrote the song that is currently blaring on the sound system, but the bouncer is unimpressed and refuses to let him in. CPPres sticks his finger in the bouncer's face and says, "You listen here...", and before he can say another word, the bouncer socks him in the face as sends him flying halfway across the street.
He lays in the street for a minute, then slowly starts to get to his feet. Suddenly, a person from inside Exclusive comes out and helps him up and asks if he's okay. CPPres looks over to see that the question is being asked by Academy Award Winning actress Anna Paquin (Fly Away Home; X-Men: The Last Stand). He doesn't say anything right away, probably because his mouth is full of blood. She smiles and tells CPPres that she remembers him from TRL and from their night in Central Park (-FOOTAGE LOST-). He nods slightly, still barely able to stand up. "Do you want to go get some ice cream?", she asks. And they go walking off, down the street, towards the ice cream parlor, to the haunting refrain of "What A Crazy Party". The Keepin' It Real camera crew does not follow, because it is midnight and the season is over.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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--The C.P. Bulletin--
May 29th, 2006
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**Immigration
As you might expect, our comedy website feels passionately about this whole immigration issue, which is why we recently hired a group of those border-protecting Minutemen to build a 200-foot high wall around the C.P. On-Line offices. It will have barbed wire at the top and be electrified. Also, it will be coated in poison. We spared no expense. Anything to keep the people that work at C.P. On-Line from escaping. |
**New Movie
This year at the Cannes Film Festival, the big news was the new film by acclaimed insect director Mitch Honeybee. His movie, "Pollen For The Queen" did not win any awards but, according to the critics, generated "a lot of buzz". |
**Special Event
This weekend, two prominent members of the C.P. On-Line writing staff, Happy Rabbit and Bizarro Jerry, will be making a special appearance at the grand opening of the new Barnes and Noble bookstore on Main Street. They will not be giving out autographs or taking pictures with fans. Instead, they will be out in front, begging for spare change, something they used to do every weekend at the old Mom and Pop bookstore. This event is not sanctioned by Barnes and Noble. |
**Employee Of The Month
Once again, nobody that works at C.P. On-Line did anything to merit being named the Employee Of The Month. This marks the forty-seventh consecutive month with this title going unawarded. |
**Make Your Own Science
Here's a fun experiment devised by our very own Captain Science which will let you see the power of science, right in the comfort of your home. First, get a piece of bread. Second, place the bread in the toaster. Third, press down the little lever. Wait for about thirty seconds. What just happened? Nothing, because the toaster isn't plugged in. Way to blow the experiment, idiot. Part of science is not being stupid. Sheesh...
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**Scholarship Winner
Each year, we here at C.P. On-Line give out a special scholarship to a talented and deserving local student. This year's recipient is Taylor Silas, who will be graduating from high school next week. Taylor not only maintained a 4.0. GPA throughout his high school career, but he also is the school's valedictorian and had perfect attendance. Due to his exceptional performance, we are proud to present Taylor with the C.P. On-Line Education Grant, consisting of a grilled-cheese sandwich, four Disney dollars, and a three-pound brick of pure Columbian cocaine. (The coke isn't really part of the scholarship per se, we just need to get it out of the office, and time is of the essence)
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**Pancakes Are Delicious
They really are. You can't deny it.
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**Papal Update
Pope Benedict XVI announced yesterday that he is not approving Founder Matt's application for sainthood, citing several compelling reasons, not the least of which is that "Founder Matt is not even dead yet". Although discouraged, Founder Matt will not be giving up, and plans to travel to the Vatican to plead his case in person, and if that doesn't work, he is going to steal the Pope's hat, which he will then sell on eBay. |
**Obituary
Dr. Larry Welsh (November 19th, 1958 - May 27th, 2006) Larry was a mad scientist who spent much of his career working on his passion, reanimating dead tissue. His untimely death happened when he accidentally walked into the beam of one of his creepy godless machines. He is survived by his wife and his two children. A memorial reception will be held Thursday in his lab, down in the dank basement where he... (creeeeeeeak) Huh? What's that noise? (CLUNK... CLUNK... CLUNK) Is somebody here in the room? No, of course not. I'm all alone on this dark and stormy night. Hey! Somebody just put a hand on my shoulder! It is cold and clammy! I should turn around and see who it is...... AIYEEEEEEEEE!!! |
**Reality Television
Beloved staff member The Chicken will be competing this season on the FOX series "So You Think You Can Dance?". Be sure to catch the third episode where the one judge says, "That was very good, but can you do any other dance aside from the Funky Chicken?", and then The Chicken goes ballistic and tries to claw the guy's face off, squawking and flapping his wings, feathers and hunks of flesh flying every which way. (Spoiler Alert! The third episode marks the final appearance of The Chicken on "So You Think You Can Dance?")
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**Adopt-A-Pet
The local animal shelter would like to take this op-PURR-tunity to point out that there are some wonderful animals at the shelter who need a good home. For example, there's Mittens, a one-year-old female gray tabby; Woofy, an adorable six-month old puppy; and Frank Stevens, a homeless guy who broke into the shelter last week and refuses to leave or bathe. All our animals have all their shots, except maybe Frank Stevens.
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**Obituary Update
The memorial reception of Dr. Larry Welsh has been indefinitely postponed. However, there is a party going on in his dank basement lab, and everyone is invited. B.Y.O.B.! Oh, and I've just been handed this note... apparently the "B" is for "brains", so yeah, keep that in mind.
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**And Finally...
The environment is very important to us here at C.P. On-Line, which is why we are actively working on developing a hybrid Bulletin that partially runs on laughter. Surprisingly, the technology was quite easy to put together and seamlessly integrate into the Bulletin, but unfortunately, we still haven't been able to develop a Bulletin that actually generates laughter, even though we have been working on it for over six years. But never fear, loyal readership! We'll keep plugging away, and until we figure this out, the Bulletin will continue to run on fossil fuel, Windex, and the tears of children!
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More Is More
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Everyone knows that Hershey's makes the world's greatest candy bars, but what most people don't know is that we're always striving to make candy bars that are even BETTER. The best is not good enough for Hershey's, and that is why we're so excited about the latest candy bar masterpiece to roll off our assembly lines. It's the amazing Take 15 bar! Hershey's Take 15 provides a unique taste experience by combining fifteen of your favorite ingredients in one candy bar. The result is a snack unlike anything you've ever experienced.
Each Take 15 bar starts with rich milk chocolate, creamy caramel, roasted peanuts, crunchy pretzels, and smooth peanut butter. But that's only the beginning. Next, we add English toffee, crispy wafers, shredded coconut, zesty mint, and ground-up Kit-Kat bars. For a lot of candy companies, that would be enough. They'd package that sucker up and send it to stores, content to offer their customers a less than perfect snack treat. But not Hershey's. We take those ten ingredients, throw them in a big metal vat, and throw in five more delicious flavors. What else could you possibly put into that candy bar, you may be asking? How about chunky fudge. A handful of black licorice. Whatever that stuff is inside Cadbury Crème Eggs. Six or seven pieces of chewy sour apple bubble gum. And then we top it off with a generous helping of light and fluffy nougat. Now THAT is a candy bar. The kind of candy bar that will make your taste buds go, "What the hell"?!?, but in a good way! Yes, when you buy a Take 15 bar, you're buying four-and-a-quarter pounds of goodness. It's the candy bar that eats like a meal!
Some low-level Hershey employees have questioned the logic behind Take 15, saying that it's highly unlikely that one person is going to like every one of the fifteen items we've crammed into the bulging candy wrapper. But that is a silly argument. Let's say, for example, you like the chocolate, the caramel and the gum, but you despise the peanut butter, the mint, the black licorice and the fudge. Just reach in the candy bar and remove what you don't want to eat. It's that simple! It's like removing the lettuce off of a double cheeseburger, except it's candy and way messier. (And don't worry. The employees that questioned us no longer work for Hershey's)
So put down every other candy bar you've ever eaten and reach for a tasty new Take 15, which is kind of like every other candy bar in the world smooshed together and kind of melted. You're going to love it so much, if you were a shoplifter, you'd probably Take 15! Ha-ha-ha!
Take 15 - Coming This Fall From Hershey's: The Take 18 Bar; Just Like The Take 15, But With White Chocolate, Coffee Grounds and Mustard!
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