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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode XXII
(Rock Bottom)
Original Airdate -
May 24th, 2006
CPPres returns home from New York and tries to forget about the humiliation he suffered on TRL. He goes back to work and tells everyone about how while he was in New York, he met Anna Paquin (Fly Away Home; X-Men: The Last Stand), but nobody believes him. He asks the Keepin' It Real camera crew to play back the footage, but they claim to have lost it. Frustrated, CPPres takes a walk, thinking that perhaps he will be recognized from his TV appearance and that such a thing will boost his spirits. Only one person ends up recognizing him, a gorgeous blond who says, "Hey, aren't you that idiot from TRL who made that awful video for that stupid song?" CPPres finds that his spirits are not boosted after all.
He returns to the office, hoping that maybe getting some writing done will get his mind off everything. After several agonizing hours struggling with writer's block, CPPres throws his keyboard at the wall, but as it is still attached to his computer, it just ends up bouncing back and hitting him in the face. A couple minutes later, holding an icepack over his eye, CPPres storms into the lunchroom where Bizarro Jerry and Happy Rabbit are eating, and announces that he desperately needs a change in his life, and therefore, as of this moment, he is quitting C.P. On-Line. It is all very melodramatic.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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The C.P. On-Line 2006 Summer Movie Preview
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We are all movie buffs here at C.P. On-Line. This is the only kind of "buff" that we are. (Yes, Bizarro Jerry is so ripped his spandex suit can barely contain him, but we could look like that too if we ate steroids in a bowl with milk every morning for breakfast like he does) Knowing as much as we do about movies, we know that not every film Hollywood releases in the Summer is worth your time. In fact, many of them are less than good. (Gasp!) How are you, the clueless moviegoer, supposed to know which movies to watch and which movies to avoid? The first tip is to not go see movies based on videogames. But aside from that, it can be tricky to know what to see, so we've looked ahead at the Summer releases, and have found ten movies you're definitely going to want to check out. And you can trust our judgment, because we are, as previously mentioned, movie buffs. That's why that was the first sentence we wrote.
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Transmission: Impossible III -
(May 25th) Hollywood mega-star and occasional Scientologist Tom Cruise reprises his role as Secret Agent Ethan Hunt in the third installment of this exciting series. As in the previous two films, Ethan Hunt gets a call from headquarters informing him of a dangerous plot to destroy the world. Hunt then runs out to his car, puts the keys in the ignition, turns the key and... nothing. The engine makes noise, but refuses to turn over. "Rrrrr-rrrr-rrrr-rrrr", goes the engine. "Dammit!" goes Special Agent Ethan Hunt. Academy Award winner Philip Seymour Hoffman co-stars as "Owen The Tow-Truck Guy". This film is dedicated to actress Katie Holmes, who Tom loves very much. |
The Da Vinci Code -
(May 18th) In this suspense thriller set in 1506, Italian Renaissance artist Leonardo Da Vinci is supposed to present his new painting to the Royal Court, but a few hours before the showing, he is nowhere to be found. His good friend Dr. Robert Langdon (played by Tom Hanks), spends two hours scouring Italy trying to find him. He ends up finding Da Vinci in his workshop, looking haggard.
"Leonardo!", Langdon says. "What are you doing here... You're supposed to be unveiling your new painting!"
"I have a code", replies Leonardo.
"What sort of a code?" says Langdon. "A tricky code using symbols and hidden messages in your artwork?"
"No," Leonardo says, shaking his head. "A bad code. My dose is all stuved ub. I got a feber. Ugh... I just want to take some Nyquil and go to sleeb. I swear, I always get the worst codes."
"Oh... you mean you have a COLD."
"Yes! That is what I said," says Da Vinci. "I have a Da Vinci code!"
Critics really seem to hate this movie, but we think it's just because they don't get the joke. Either that, or they get the joke, but hate the fact that it takes two hours of boring set-up to get to it. |
Terrible Remake -
(June 2nd) Remember that movie from the 70's that the kids today don't remember and the people that DO remember it are too old to go to the movies anymore? Right, well they remade it, and it cost over $100 million, even though the original only cost like seventy-five bucks. But at least this new one stars actors who were famous in the 80's and has lots of flashy special effects. And loud exploding noises! Boom! Kablam! Remakes are fun and easy! |
Patient Lion, Loyal Kimono -
(June 16th) Last year's top-grossing movie at the Chinese box office ($4.1 million), Patient Lion is the story of a gorgeous and enigmatic princess, a proud duke, a courageous general, and a humble slave. Beautifully filmed on location in Beijing, this subtitled film contains exciting martial arts, powerful romance, fantasy, and subtle humor. Critics are already calling it a contender for... damn... as soon as I said "subtitled", 95% of you jumped to the next movie. Listen up, closed-minded American movie-going public! Just because a movie is not in English does not mean it is a waste of your time! Avoiding the Chinese movie and going to see the mindless Lindsay Lohan flick instead is not something to be proud of! (sigh) Idiots... |
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Trucks -
(June 23rd) A CG animated film from DreamWorks Animation about a spoiled race truck who discovers a slower way of life off the track. Made with the cooperation of NASTRUCK, this film features the voices of Owen Wilson's cousin, Bonnie Hunt's housekeeper, and a guy who kind of looks like Paul Newman. What? What's that? There is a similar movie coming out this summer from Pixar? Oh. We had no idea. What a craaaaaaaazy coincidence! Hey, what's that over there? (DreamWorks points behind you and when you turn and look, they run away)
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The Movie With The Two Hollywood Celebrities Who Might Be Dating, But Neither One Will Confirm Or Deny It -
(June 30th) Who even knows what this movie is about? Is it a comedy? Is it science fiction? Is it about sports? Nobody has a clue! But it features A-List Actor and A-List Actress, and they are in the tabloids! Maybe by watching this movie, we can find out the status of their personal life! Probably so, huh? We'll figure this out yet, A-List Actor and A-List Actress! You cannot hide things from us!
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The Fast and The Furious: Wait... Another Fast and The Furious Sequel? Seriously? -
(July 14th) Okay, there's no way they made another Fast and The Furious. This must be a typo. According to my notes, this one doesn't even have Paul Walker in it, which was the only thing about the second movie that connected it to the first movie. And this one is set in Tokyo? No, no. This can't be right. Nobody wants to see a THIRD Fast and The Furious movie. I mean, that would be as stupid as there being a sequel to the Garfield movie? Wait? WHAT? Are you friggin? KIDDING me?
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Wooooooo! Scary! -
(July 21st) Oh look. A movie about something creepy happening to some average American unbelievably hot chick (played by one of the girls on the Maxim Hot 100). Oh no! The creepy house she just moved into makes creepy noises in the dead of night. Maybe something horrible and creepy happened here before she moved in. Expect this film to take place almost entirely in the dark, except for the one shower and/or bathtub scene where you totally think there is going to be some nudity, but there isn't. This film is probably a remake of a much scarier Japanese movie. |
September 11th: A Love Story -
(August 11th) After two serious dramas (United 93 and World Trade Center) about the events of 9/11, director Nick Faldo decided America was finally ready for a different take. Namely, a romantic comedy. Jennifer Garner (Alias, 13 Going On 30) and Chad Michael Murray (One Tree Hill, A Cinderella Story) play business executives who work in separate towers at the World Trade Center. They are total opposites in every way. But when they are thrown together by terrorist attacks, they find love in the one place they never expected. This light-hearted romp also features Owen Wilson as Chad Michael Murray's wacky business partner, and a syrupy ballad from Celine Dion, entitled "Towers Of My Heart". Some people have been critical of Nick Faldo for making a movie like this so soon after the 9/11 tragedy, but like Nick Faldo says, "It's never too soon if I can make some money off of it! Am I right? Am I right?", and then he held his hand up for a high-five. |
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Planes On A Snake -
(August 18th) A movie that is already generating serious internet buzz, Planes On A Snake is the story of Roger, a friendly happy garden snake that accidentally slithers onto a runway at an airport in Los Angeles. Through incredible coincidence, an American Airlines flight from Miami lands on him. And then a JetBlue flight from Chicago. Followed by a private jet carrying actor Samuel L. Jackson, who gets off the plane and spends twenty hilarious minutes cursing at Roger. Hear us now, this film will be the box office smash of the summer, but not in the same way that the aircraft smash roger. Planes On A Snake is rated "R" for language, nudity, drug use, and way more sexual situations than you would expect for a movie that takes plane entirely on a busy airport runway.
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More Is More
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Everyone knows that Hershey's makes the world's greatest candy bars, but what most people don't know is that we're always striving to make candy bars that are even BETTER. The best is not good enough for Hershey's, and that is why we're so excited about the latest candy bar masterpiece to roll off our assembly lines. It's the amazing Take 15 bar! Hershey's Take 15 provides a unique taste experience by combining fifteen of your favorite ingredients in one candy bar. The result is a snack unlike anything you've ever experienced.
Each Take 15 bar starts with rich milk chocolate, creamy caramel, roasted peanuts, crunchy pretzels, and smooth peanut butter. But that's only the beginning. Next, we add English toffee, crispy wafers, shredded coconut, zesty mint, and ground-up Kit-Kat bars. For a lot of candy companies, that would be enough. They'd package that sucker up and send it to stores, content to offer their customers a less than perfect snack treat. But not Hershey's. We take those ten ingredients, throw them in a big metal vat, and throw in five more delicious flavors. What else could you possibly put into that candy bar, you may be asking? How about chunky fudge. A handful of black licorice. Whatever that stuff is inside Cadbury Crème Eggs. Six or seven pieces of chewy sour apple bubble gum. And then we top it off with a generous helping of light and fluffy nougat. Now THAT is a candy bar. The kind of candy bar that will make your taste buds go, "What the hell"?!?, but in a good way! Yes, when you buy a Take 15 bar, you're buying four-and-a-quarter pounds of goodness. It's the candy bar that eats like a meal!
Some low-level Hershey employees have questioned the logic behind Take 15, saying that it's highly unlikely that one person is going to like every one of the fifteen items we've crammed into the bulging candy wrapper. But that is a silly argument. Let's say, for example, you like the chocolate, the caramel and the gum, but you despise the peanut butter, the mint, the black licorice and the fudge. Just reach in the candy bar and remove what you don't want to eat. It's that simple! It's like removing the lettuce off of a double cheeseburger, except it's candy and way messier. (And don't worry. The employees that questioned us no longer work for Hershey's)
So put down every other candy bar you've ever eaten and reach for a tasty new Take 15, which is kind of like every other candy bar in the world smooshed together and kind of melted. You're going to love it so much, if you were a shoplifter, you'd probably Take 15! Ha-ha-ha!
Take 15 - Coming This Fall From Hershey's: The Take 18 Bar; Just Like The Take 15, But With White Chocolate, Coffee Grounds and Mustard!
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