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Episode XXI

(Start Spreading The News)

Original Airdate -
May 10th, 2006


Morning: After a long red-eye flight, CPPres lands in New York. This being his first time in the Big Apple, he tries to cram as much sightseeing in as he can before heading over to MTV Studios. Within minutes, he gets horribly lost, and the only "sight" he ends up "seeing" is the homeless guy who mugs him.

Afternoon: Backstage at Total Request Live, CPPres meets Oscar-winning actress Anna Paquin, who is on the show promoting X-Men: The Last Stand. A few minutes later, he makes his appearance on TRL, introducing his video, which he expects is about to take the nation by storm. However, it turns out that the "What A Crazy Party" video is actually part of a new feature called "LaughingStock", where TRL airs awful videos made by amateurs who have no idea how bad their video really is. Humilated, CPPres flees the studio weeping.

Evening: Wandering aimlessly around Central Park, CPPres wonders how his dream of writing a #1 hit song could have turned out so badly. Then he is mugged by another homeless guy. Distraught and no longer able to hold it together, he curls up in the fetal position, sobbing like a little girl. This continues until he is tapped on the shoulder and asked if he is okay. To his surprise, the person standing over him is none other than Oscar-winning actress Anna Paquin (Fly Away Home; X-Men: The Last Stand).

"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood

One of the things we say a lot here at C.P. On-Line is that we get a lot of letters from you, the fans. You know why we say that? Because you, the fans, can't prove that we don't! (an awkward angry silence hangs in the air) Fine, fine. You want more proof? Here is a super-sized edition of the C.P. Mailbag, featuring only 100% exclusive letters that we got, then answered, then printed on the website in lieu of coming up with original material this week. Enjoy!
Dear C.P. On-Line,

I've really been searching my soul trying to find the answers to life's most important questions, but I keep coming up empty. So I thought I would ask you. I've never read your column or anything, but I figured since you do give advice for a living and everything, maybe you could help me out. Tell me... who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Irma



Dear Irma,

I do not know who lives in a pineapple under the sea. But I can tell you who does NOT live in a pineapple under the sea: people. The reason for this is that people need oxygen to breathe, and there is not a sufficient amount of oxygen under the sea, even if you are living in a pineapple. A pineapple has no business being under the sea, either. No creature in the sea wants to eat a pineapple. Only humans can appreciate the sweet, sweet taste. I'm sorry I could not really answer your question. Thanks for writing, though!

CPPres

P.S. - It turns out there actually IS an answer to your question, and it is "Spongebob Squarepants", the name of a popular cartoon show. I had no idea
Dear C.P. On-Line Tech Support,

I used your C.P On-Line tax filing software and was happy to learn that I won the "C.P. Double Your ReFUNd Game." However, I was unhappy to find out that I owed taxes this year and that you doubled the amount that I owed. I was also very unhappy when your software said that I owed the software itself $10,000 and that it called me stupid. I work a minimum wage job and have 5 children and that seemed sort of high. My question is where is the routing number on my check so I can finish my filing?

Hilda



Dear Hilda,

A couple of issues we must point out. First of all, the C.P. On-Line Tax Filing Software was not real. It was a fake comedy piece that was edgy and hilarious. Also, it was a little bit sexy. You should not have been able to enter any data into the "Software". We hope you did not input any personal information, such as your social security number, home address, or blood type. If you did, DELETE IT AT ONCE. We are not responsible for any identity theft you may experience. Secondly, if you have five kids, maybe you should start putting THEM to work. If you let kids lay around the house all day, they will never become productive members of society. We currently have some job openings at C.P. On-Line, designing edgy, hilarious and sexy comedy pieces that steal identities. Tell the little rugrats to drop us a resume!

CPPres

P.S. - Did you notice all the pictures of sweaty shirtless beefcakes all over the Tax Filing Software? Are you going to look us in the eye and tell us that ain't sexy? We didn't THINK so...
Dear C.P. On-Line,

So, what, is Bizarro Jerry like a superhero or something? Because I read the paper pretty regularly, and I've never read anything about him saving anyone or stopping a runaway train or anything. In fact, the only time I ever hear about Bizarro Jerry in the media is when he gets indicted and has to testify in front of the grand jury about steroid abuse. What kind of superhero is THAT? A juiced-up one, it sounds like.

Frank



Dear Frank,

You flatter me. Well, the C.P. Lawyers won't allow me to answer your questions at this time. ...but don't worry, ALL of your questions will soon be answered in my upcoming, tell-all book about the rampant abuse of steroids among us superheros. ...Yeah, I'm naming names.

Bizarro Jerry
Dear C.P. On-Line,

I logged on to MySpace the other day, and I clicked on one of those ads that said something about true love or something like that. Next thing I know, I've got hotties beating down my door! It was freakin' awesome! I never thought I would ever see truth in advertising in my life! So anyway, what I wanted to know is this: when was the last time YOU had a date?

Ron



Dear Ron,

It is interesting that you mention MySpace, because ever since we launched the C.P. On-Line MySpace page, we are beating off the ladies with a stick. Seriously! They're all like, "You're that guy on MySpace", and we nod seductively, and then they're all, "It's so HOT in here!" and they take their shirts off, and then they are all, "Do you mind if my busty blonde friends come over and get drunk and have pillow fights in their panties" and we nod seductively and, well, I think you know where it goes from there. Thank you, MySpace! You make us desirable!

CPPres

P.S. - As far as your question goes, the answer is "1995".
Dear C.P. On-Line,

I'm not a stupid man. I've been fairly well educated. And I fully understand that black is black and white is white, but what the hell is this crap called "mauve"? Seriously...

Ted



Dear Ted,

Buck-buck-buck! Buck-buck-buck-BUCK-CAW! BUCK-CAW! (pecks at chicken feed) Buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck! (does mating dance)

The Chicken



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More Is More
Everyone knows that Hershey's makes the world's greatest candy bars, but what most people don't know is that we're always striving to make candy bars that are even BETTER. The best is not good enough for Hershey's, and that is why we're so excited about the latest candy bar masterpiece to roll off our assembly lines. It's the amazing Take 15 bar! Hershey's Take 15 provides a unique taste experience by combining fifteen of your favorite ingredients in one candy bar. The result is a snack unlike anything you've ever experienced.

Each Take 15 bar starts with rich milk chocolate, creamy caramel, roasted peanuts, crunchy pretzels, and smooth peanut butter. But that's only the beginning. Next, we add English toffee, crispy wafers, shredded coconut, zesty mint, and ground-up Kit-Kat bars. For a lot of candy companies, that would be enough. They'd package that sucker up and send it to stores, content to offer their customers a less than perfect snack treat. But not Hershey's. We take those ten ingredients, throw them in a big metal vat, and throw in five more delicious flavors. What else could you possibly put into that candy bar, you may be asking? How about chunky fudge. A handful of black licorice. Whatever that stuff is inside Cadbury Crème Eggs. Six or seven pieces of chewy sour apple bubble gum. And then we top it off with a generous helping of light and fluffy nougat. Now THAT is a candy bar. The kind of candy bar that will make your taste buds go, "What the hell"?!?, but in a good way! Yes, when you buy a Take 15 bar, you're buying four-and-a-quarter pounds of goodness. It's the candy bar that eats like a meal!

Some low-level Hershey employees have questioned the logic behind Take 15, saying that it's highly unlikely that one person is going to like every one of the fifteen items we've crammed into the bulging candy wrapper. But that is a silly argument. Let's say, for example, you like the chocolate, the caramel and the gum, but you despise the peanut butter, the mint, the black licorice and the fudge. Just reach in the candy bar and remove what you don't want to eat. It's that simple! It's like removing the lettuce off of a double cheeseburger, except it's candy and way messier. (And don't worry. The employees that questioned us no longer work for Hershey's)

So put down every other candy bar you've ever eaten and reach for a tasty new Take 15, which is kind of like every other candy bar in the world smooshed together and kind of melted. You're going to love it so much, if you were a shoplifter, you'd probably Take 15! Ha-ha-ha!

Take 15 - Coming This Fall From Hershey's: The Take 18 Bar; Just Like The Take 15, But With White Chocolate, Coffee Grounds and Mustard!