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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode XX
(Leaving On A Jet Plane)
Original Airdate -
May 10th, 2006
CPPres' music video for "What A Crazy Party" is finished, and he shows it to Happy Rabbit and Bizarro Jerry, who watch it silently, then roll their eyes and walk out. Unfazed by this negative review, he goes online and uploads the video onto YouTube, where it inexplicably begins to develop a cult following. A few days later, while working on the "What A Crazy Party" techno dance remix, CPPres gets a call from MTV, inviting him to New York to appear as a guest on Total Request Live with his video.
Assuming that his song is about to become a #1 blockbuster smash hit, CPPres corners Happy Rabbit and Bizarro Jerry and proceeds to go off on an extended rant about how they were wrong to not believe in "What A Crazy Party" and how when he's famous, he isn't going to let them ride on his coattails and also that they suck. The episode ends with him walking out of the C.P. On-Line building and getting into a rented limo, which is going to take him to the airport.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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When we are at parties, and people find out we work for C.P. On-Line, they usually ask us two questions. First they ask us, "We did not invite you to this party", which is not really a question, and second, as the bouncer is escorting us out, they ask, "What is a typical day like at C.P. On-Line?" In the past, the way we answered that question was to stand outside the party with a bullhorn and scream the answer into it until the police showed up, but somebody had the bright idea that it would be better for us just to write the answer down and post it as a feature on the website. Hence, the following feature about what a typical day at C.P. On-Line is like. Party on!
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A Day In The Life Of C.P. On-Line:
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Thursday, May 4th, 2006
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6:00am - Bizarro Jerry shows up to work right on time, then spends an hour doing his usual workout regimen at his desk: Three minutes of push-ups and fifty-seven minutes of steroids.
6:45am - Down in the dark, musty bowels of the C.P. On-Line offices, World-Famous Treasure Hunter Zach Snyder wakes up and immediately resumes searching for treasure. He grabs his trusty pickax and starts digging a random hole, hoping it will contain silver, rubies, or a shopping bag full of fur coats.
7:15am - The sun peeks its head over the mountains, filling the sky with golden light. The light hits The Chicken, who is sleeping on the roof. He opens his eyes, then begins to loudly crow, until he remembers that he is not a Rooster. He yawns, then has a cigarette and wanders down to the Starbucks to get a coffee.
7:25am - Happy Rabbit pulls into his parking spot. He sits there for a moment, then decides he's not really in the mood today, then backs out of his parking spot and goes home.
7:30am - Whistling and carrying his Briefcase Of Science, Captain Science strolls up the offices after enjoying a brisk walk to work. He attempts to enter the building, but is stopped by Security at the front door. Security asks Captain Science for his identification, but he does not have it on him. He promises that he will go home and get it at lunch, but Security refuses to let him in. Captain Science resorts to begging. Security shoots him in the neck with a taser gun.
8:20am - Over two hours late, CPPres pulls into the parking lot and parks in Happy Rabbit's space. He does not get out of the car right away, because he is listening to a Backstreet Boys CD and is singing along with the music, which he has turned up full blast. Apparently he and the band want something "that way", although it is unclear exactly what they are singing about.
9:15am - Bizarro Jerry looks at his watch and wonders, not for the first time this morning, where all his co-workers are. As if on cue, The Chicken comes strolling in, sipping his fifth cup of coffee. Bizarro Jerry greets The Chicken and pets his soft white feathers.
9:16am - Fed up with the slow pace of digging, Zach Snyder places several sticks of dynamite into the hole, hoping to speed up the process.
9:17am - A huge explosion rocks the offices, causing the floor to violently shake. Bizarro Jerry falls down. The Chicken spills his coffee all over his feathers. He squawks several profanities and runs into the bathroom to wash up. Meanwhile, CPPres, who is still in the parking lot, does not hear the explosion, because he and the Boys are now singing about they wish you would quit playing games with their heart.
9:35am - Handcuffed to a chair in the front lobby, Captain Science regains consciousness. The security guards calmly ask him for his identification, and he tells them again that he left it at home. Not satisfied by this answer, Security takes turns slugging him in the face. One of them grabs the Briefcase Of Science and opens it up, only to find that all it contains is a sandwich and a Bunsen burner. Infuriated by his lack of cooperation, the security guards cram the sandwich down Captain Science's throat, forcing him to eat it even though he is not hungry. Plus the sandwich is very dry, which makes it harder for him to chew.
10:30am - CPPres finally walks into work and takes his place behind his desk. He opens up a blank word processing document and begins to write his comedy piece for this week's update.
10:32am - Bored, CPPres gets up and wanders into the break room, hoping to find some inspiration by purchasing some Doritos out of the vending machine. He discovers he does not have enough money, so he wanders over to Bizarro Jerry's desk to see if he can borrow some change. Bizarro Jerry, who has been working on graphics and answering some the hate mail, refuses to give CPPres any money, pointing out that CPPres already owes him sixteen hundred dollars that he hasn't paid back.
11:00am - The Chicken gets a lap dance at the strip club.
11:25am - Dirty and sweaty, but still looking debonair, Zach Snyder continues searching through the rubble for the treasure he knows is close by. After a while, he decides to take a brief break. He sits down and grabs a sandwich from his backpack, a sandwich which was made by Captain Science's wife. The sandwich is dry and flavorless. Zach Snyder wishes he had some water to wash it down with.
11:35am - Hanging shirtless from the rafters by his bound wrists, Captain Science takes several dropkicks to the ribcage. Security asks him yet again for his ID. He tries to reason with them, but can only spit up blood. "You can not withhold the information forever," a security guard explains, then smashes his little toe with a hammer.
12:00pm - Lunch
12:35pm - The Chicken checks out of a cheap motel and heads back to work.
1:00pm - Bizarro Jerry calls CPPres' desk to see how the Feature for this week's update is coming along. CPPres refuses to speak to Jerry, still angry that he did not let him borrow money for the Doritos. Irritated, Jerry says "Look, if you tell me when the Feature is going to be done, I will give you the sixty-five cents for your stupid Doritos." CPPres accepts the offer, and says that the Feature will "probably be done sometime on Monday". "Monday? PROBABLY?! But that's when I'm supposed to upload the update!" CPPres apologizes, saying that it's "kind of a think piece" and that "you can't rush genius".
1:15pm - The Chicken walks into the front lobby of the C.P. On-Line offices, past the security guards who are using a belt sander on Captain Science's stomach, and into the elevator.
2:20pm - Smiling and full of Doritos, CPPres faces his computer screen and starts working on the Feature for the second time. He feels inspired and extra amusing.
2:26pm - Having written nothing except for the names of his favorite Backstreet Boys in different fonts, CPPres decides to leave work for a few minutes to find some inspiration.
2:41pm - CPPres gets a lap dance at the strip club.
2:42pm - A bouncer forcibly removes CPPres from the strip club because he can not keep his hands to himself.
3:00pm - Having finished all his work and most of everyone else's work for the day, Bizarro Jerry heads home. As he walks out of the elevator and into the front lobby, he walks by Captain Science, who has been thrown in a locked cage with several pumas. Hearing his cries for help, Jerry stops and approaches the cage, asking Captain Science what he is doing in it. While fighting off the pumas, the Captain explains that he was detained by Security for not having his ID. Bizarro Jerry points out that this is odd, because C.P. On-Line does not actually employ security guards.
3:10pm - Zach Snyder exits the basement after yet another disappointing day of treasure hunting. He decides to go get his mind off things by heading down to the strip club to look for treasure when his keen eye spots something shiny under CPPres's desk. Upon closer inspection, he sees it is a quarter. "TREASURE!!", he bellows, and grabs his dynamite, knowing that where there is one quarter, there is usually a pirate chest full of them.
3:12pm - Another massive dynamite explosion rocks C.P. On-Line. A huge chunk of the ceiling collapses onto the cage containing Captain Science and the pumas, damaging it just enough to allow him to escape. The pumas escape as well.
3:20pm - The Chicken walks out of the bathroom and heads towards his computer, where he plans to put some money on the NBA Playoffs before calling it quits for the day. To his surprise, there are several pumas standing right in his way, looking at him hungrily.
3:21pm - The Chicken beats the hell out of the pumas.
4:00pm - CPPres returns to his desk, only to find it blown to smithereens. He decides that, even though he really wants to get his work done, he should just go home and start fresh tomorrow morning, even though he actually had no intention of doing any writing whatsoever.
4:30pm - At the local pawn shop, World-Famous Treasure Hunter Zach Snyder barters with the man behind the counter. "I have many rare and exotic treasures to sell you today, my good man. In all your travels, have you ever seen anything the likes of... THIS?!" He holds up the quarter he found under CPPres' desk. "You will note, upon close inspection, that this treasure has a picture of George Washington on the front and a scene from the state of Mississippi on the back! How much will you give me for this rare piece of historical currency?"
4:35pm - Zach Snyder leaves the pawn shop, having made twenty-two cents, which he plans to spend on a lap dance.
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It's time once again for some super-special top-secret C.P. On-Line fun for KIDS ONLY! Sorry, Mom and Dad! This section isn't for you, unless you happen to have some severe brain damage, in which case you might actually enjoy it on some weird level.
Almost every day, we get letters from kids asking us for more great puzzles here in the Kids Korner. Sometimes they even scream at us from car windows as we're walking down the street. Although usually when THAT happens, what they are screaming is highly inappropriate. Listen kids, the fact is, it is physically impossible for us to do that to ourselves or to cram large cumbersome objects in that part of our anatomy. It just can't be done. Find something else to suggest. Or throw money. What with gas being as expensive as it is, we can't afford to drive the C.P. On-Line Hummer, which is why we're walking down the street in the first place.
But back to the puzzles. We called up our favorite PuzzleMaster, Dr. Charles Hayes, and asked him to create another one of his puzzle masterpieces for our website, and he came though big-time with his best puzzle yet. And then, as if that wasn't enough, he sent along a BONUS puzzle, because that's the kind of guy he is. Of course, we won't be paying him for the bonus puzzle, but that's because that's the kind of people WE are. So kids, gather around the computer with all your skateboarding buddies and prepare to have hours of educational fun that is way better than gateway drugs or making out! C.P. On-Line and puzzles, together at last! Ha-ha-ha! What could be cooler?! |
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Puzzle #1
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Each one of these six words is missing a letter. Oh-no! Now they are freakish sub-words, shunned by society and doomed to live alone! But you have fix that by filling in the missing letters. If you do it correctly, the missing letters in the black box will spell out the name of an animal that people go "ape" for! (The word "ape" is in quotation marks because it is a clever clue)
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Special Bonus Puzzle
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This is a traditional connect-the-dots puzzle, with a twist! We have removed the numbers by the dots so you're just going to have to GUESS what order to connect the dots in! That's a connect-the-dots game for the 21st Century! Sure, it's a little bit more difficult, but if you figure it out, you will be rewarded with fun surprise that is related to Puzzle #1! How's that for some incentive? Have fun, kids!
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How Lovely Are Your Branches
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Every year, there is Christmas, and every year, Farson Bros. Tree Farm is the place to go for the finest Christmas trees for you and your family. It brings us great joy to provide our customers with fresh-cut Christmas trees each December, even though this last holiday season, most everyone went to the new Christmas Tree Supercenter down the street and we had our lowest sales in thirty years. Sure, it was a bit of a shock to get to the end of the season and still have almost fourteen acres of trees still cluttering our farm, but we can't let ourselves get down because some soulless corporate mega-store came swooping into town and stole all our business. Mostly because we've still got to get rid of FOURTEEN FRIGGIN' ACRES OF TREES!!
Fortunately, the second-biggest tree-selling holiday of the year is right around the corner, and the Christmas Tree Supercenter doesn't open back up until Autumn. That's right, it's almost May 16th Day, the day when people celebrate the magic of May 16th by buying May 16th Trees from a place like Farson Bros. Tree Farm! Everyone loves May 16th Day, and because it's not a religious holiday, all people can buy a May 16th Tree, whether you be Christian or Jewish, Hindu or Mexican! May 16th doesn't give a damn, and neither do we! We just need to move some trees.
The great thing about coming to Farson Bros. Tree Farm is that we make it fun for the whole family, and our May 16th Day Celebration is no exception. We got pony rides featuring lots of ponies with "May 16th" spray-painted on them, delicious treats like May 16th-burgers and May 16th Cream Cones, and an old-time hayride featuring music from Pappy Farson, playing his banjo and singing great May 16th carols like, "May 16th In A Manger" and "Frosty the May 16th Man". And every evening at 5:16 sharp, eight tiny reindeer appear dragging a sleigh behind them, and in that sleigh, jolly old May 16th Claus! The kids will laugh and cheer and beg you to let them sit in May 16th Claus' lap, but we suggest you don't let them, because May 16th Claus is a registered sex offender. Still, as long as he stays fifty yards away from the children at all times, a good time will be had by all! And don't forget the trees. Our May 16th Trees come in all shapes and sizes... mostly the size is "big", as if the trees have been growing for five months longer than they should have. Not that we are bitter. We consider ourselves lucky to have fourteen acres of trees just sitting around in the middle of May!
May 16th is a holiday that has brought people together for generations, and it's certainly not something we made up just last week when we were trying to come up with a way to get rid of these friggin' trees. And nothing brings people together like gathering around the May 16th Tree and opening presents from the May 16th Fairy or Bunny. And the only place in town to get your very own May 16th Tree is Farson Bros. Tree Farm. You know where we are. It's the place you used to buy your Christmas trees until you abandoned us last year, you traitors! Ha-ha-ha! Just kidding! A Merry May 16th to all and to all a good night!
Farson Bros. Tree Farm - Open Every Day From April 30th until June 12th
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