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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode XIX
(Making The Video)
Original Airdate -
May 3rd, 2006
After a week of trying to get music executives and record producers to listen to "What A Crazy Party" with little success, CPPres comes to the conclusion that the problem is that the song needs a hot music video. He tries to convince Happy Rabbit and Bizarro Jerry to help him produce the video, but he is not even halfway through his pitch before they silently get up and leave the room. CPPres calls them "traitors" and makes an obscene gesture that get blurred out, but it is pretty obvious what it is.
Knowing the success of "What A Crazy Party" is his destiny, CPPres drives back down to the Home Depot and gathers up the illegal immigrants he hired the week before and together, they proceed to shoot the video in the C.P. On-Line offices, against the wishes of pretty much everyone that works there. The episode ends up turning into a rather fascinating look at the blood, sweat, and tears that go into making a hot music video. Also, CPPres spends a lot of time whining to the camera about how he doesn't want to "compromise his artistic integrity", which seems odd, considering he spends most of the finished video rubbing himself with oil and glitter and trying to freak with the immigrants.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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--C.P. Radio Is On The Air--
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Unbeknownst to most people, the writing staff of C.P. On-Line does a weekly radio show on a station back east called WKCP. In an effort to raise awareness of this unique radio program, we are presenting a transcript of the show from a couple of weeks ago. And for future reference, C.P. Radio airs every Sunday night from 11:30 PM to whenever they pull the plug on it. (Typically around 11:37 PM) C.P. Radio is also simulcast on your AM dial at AM1650, the radio station that is proud to be the cure for the will to live.
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Announcer - It's Sunday night. It's 11:30. And you're listening to WKCP radio... all reggae... most of the time. Now, sit back, relax, and prepare to laugh, because it's time for C.P. Radio, with your hosts Founder Matt and Bizarro Jerry.
Bizarro Jerry- Good evening everyone, and welcome to C.P. Radio right here on WKCP. We're on the web at chunkygoatviolin.com and we've got a toll-free number for you to call. That number is 1-900-PAY-4-WKCP.
Founder Matt - Tonight is a really special show, and you'll know why when you hear who our guest is. From classic films such as Shane and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, to his short-lived stint on Mama's Family, our guest is truly one of the most beloved actors of all time. Ladies and gentleman... The Duke of Earl... John Wayne.
B.J. - I didn't hear anything about any guest tonight. Besides, I don't think John Wayne is still living.
F.M. - I hadn't heard that. Did this just happen? How horrible. I guess that means there won't ever be a sequel to Wayne's World, huh?
B.J. - Let's just move on to our first call of the night, okay? We've got Jimmy on line 2. Jimmy, welcome to C.P. Radio.
Jimmy - Hey, Bizarro Jerry. What's up, Flounder Matt? First time caller here. Hey, I was just wondering what you guys think about these people who get in the fast lane and then drive like 35 miles an hour? What IS that? It just makes so mad! I just want to squeeze their heads until they pop!!
B.J. - Yeah, I hear this complaint a lot from callers. It seems to me that this so-called "fast lane" should be a lane in which the vehicle must go "fast". I don't want to be controversial, but that's just how I feel. Now, I personally wouldn't know anything about this, because the government won't let me drive a "car". Something to do with that felony conviction I got a few years back. You know, the one where I was illegally smuggling mailbox flags across the border. I don't need to get into it. We've talked about it on the air a number of times.
F.M. - You really affected a lot of lives by your heinous acts, you know.
B.J. - I was going to sell the mailbox flags for competitive prices! How can that be a crime?!
F.M. - Black market mailbox flags are not a game, and you know that. Your kind makes me sick! I don't know why the rest of the jury didn't listen to me when I recommended the death penalty.
B.J. - Probably because you weren't in the jury. You were just shouting that from the back of the courtroom.
F.M. - That's a pretty good point. Now it's time for our next guest. The star of Rio Grande and El Dorado has recently returned to the big screen with his starring role in the new film Zapped, here he is... the Duke of Pop... John Wayne.
B.J. - Look, I'm almost sure that John Wayne died in like 1980. He's not gonna be on the show tonight.
F.M. - Well I for one don't like his attitude. I hate when movie stars don't come on C.P. Radio just because of the color of my skin.
B.J. - Pasty white? Anyway, before we take the next call, what did you do this weekend, Founder Matt? Anything interesting?
F.M. - I did some drinkin'.
B.J. - I thought you had an AA meeting?
F.M. - Where do you think I did the drinkin'?
B.J. - Of course. How stupid of me. Well, I had an exciting weekend. I went to Nebraska.
F.M. - What's in Nebraska?
B.J. - What ISN'T in Nebraska?
F.M. - Stuff.
B.J. - Yeah, but aside from that, it's easily the most entertaining state in the lower 48. I went to this local seafood restaurant. It's called Red Lobster. And it's the funniest thing... (chuckles) they actually serve red lobsters at the Red Lobster. I mean, it's not just a clever name! That Nebraska knows how to name their restaurants.
F.M. - Wait a second... aren't you allergic to seafood?
B.J. - Well, that's the other funny thing... (chuckles) I couldn't remember whether I was allergic to seafood or dairy products. Turns out I'm allergic to both! Makes me wonder why I had that second glass of milk with my shrimp! (chuckles)
F.M. - I OWN YOU!!! (pause) Sorry. My bad. That just slipped out. Go ahead and finish your story.
B.J. - Right, right. So anyway, I'm at this hospital in Nebraska, getting my stomach pumped, and this nurse recognizes my voice while I'm screaming. She tells me she's a big fan of C.P. Radio. It was very flattering, although I wish she'd hit my vein on the first try when she was inserting my I.V. It's funny, though... (chuckles) after she stuck me about the thirtieth time, I stopped feeling it.
F.M. - Well, I don't know about THAT...
B.J. - Ah, geez. Put the stupid bottle-shaped paper sack away. Or at least get a new paper sack. That one's all tattered and covered in chunks of stuff.
F.M. - AHEM! Please don't interrupt me in the middle of my catch phrase, thank you very much. (clears throat) Well, I don't know about THAT, but our guest tonight is the hottest star of True Grit, Hondo and National Lampoon's European Vacation that I've EVER seen. Let's hear a round of applause for our guest, Miss Nude America... the Undisputed Heavyweight Duke of The World... John Wayne. Woooooo!!! YAY!!! (claps hands)
B.J. - On line six, we've got Chad. Welcome to C.P. Radio, Chad.
Chad - Bizarro Jerry, I got a bunch of mailbox flags that I'm looking to get off my hands. I'll sell these babies real cheap.
B.J. - Come on, man. I don't do that anymore. I'm out of that scene.
Chad - But they're really flag-shaped and realllllly red.
B.J. - (pauses as he wrestles with his internal demons and innate desires to illegally possess mailbox flags) I can't fight what I know is right!! I'll be there in ten minutes, Chad. Keep those flags warm!
Chad - You got it, pal. And don't you worry. I'm not a cop at all.
B.J. - I'd like to thank all of our listeners for tuning in tonight on WKCP and AM1650. I'm Bizarro Jerry.
F.M. - And I'm... (longish pause) Line?
B.J. - Founder Matt, you moron.
F.M. - Founder Matt, you moron. Be sure to tune in next Sunday at 11:30 sharp, when our guest will be John Wayne, star of The Ellen Show, who will discuss his new CD, Jewel's Greatest Hits. Until then, remember to always report illegal mailbox flag activity in your area, even if the act is being committed by the Duke.
B.J. - Coming up next, DJ Ganja Mon spins the latest in Top 40 reggae hits, so stay tuned. This is C.P. Radio, signing off.
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How Lovely Are Your Branches
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Every year, there is Christmas, and every year, Farson Bros. Tree Farm is the place to go for the finest Christmas trees for you and your family. It brings us great joy to provide our customers with fresh-cut Christmas trees each December, even though this last holiday season, most everyone went to the new Christmas Tree Supercenter down the street and we had our lowest sales in thirty years. Sure, it was a bit of a shock to get to the end of the season and still have almost fourteen acres of trees still cluttering our farm, but we can't let ourselves get down because some soulless corporate mega-store came swooping into town and stole all our business. Mostly because we've still got to get rid of FOURTEEN FRIGGIN' ACRES OF TREES!!
Fortunately, the second-biggest tree-selling holiday of the year is right around the corner, and the Christmas Tree Supercenter doesn't open back up until Autumn. That's right, it's almost May 16th Day, the day when people celebrate the magic of May 16th by buying May 16th Trees from a place like Farson Bros. Tree Farm! Everyone loves May 16th Day, and because it's not a religious holiday, all people can buy a May 16th Tree, whether you be Christian or Jewish, Hindu or Mexican! May 16th doesn't give a damn, and neither do we! We just need to move some trees.
The great thing about coming to Farson Bros. Tree Farm is that we make it fun for the whole family, and our May 16th Day Celebration is no exception. We got pony rides featuring lots of ponies with "May 16th" spray-painted on them, delicious treats like May 16th-burgers and May 16th Cream Cones, and an old-time hayride featuring music from Pappy Farson, playing his banjo and singing great May 16th carols like, "May 16th In A Manger" and "Frosty the May 16th Man". And every evening at 5:16 sharp, eight tiny reindeer appear dragging a sleigh behind them, and in that sleigh, jolly old May 16th Claus! The kids will laugh and cheer and beg you to let them sit in May 16th Claus' lap, but we suggest you don't let them, because May 16th Claus is a registered sex offender. Still, as long as he stays fifty yards away from the children at all times, a good time will be had by all! And don't forget the trees. Our May 16th Trees come in all shapes and sizes... mostly the size is "big", as if the trees have been growing for five months longer than they should have. Not that we are bitter. We consider ourselves lucky to have fourteen acres of trees just sitting around in the middle of May!
May 16th is a holiday that has brought people together for generations, and it's certainly not something we made up just last week when we were trying to come up with a way to get rid of these friggin' trees. And nothing brings people together like gathering around the May 16th Tree and opening presents from the May 16th Fairy or Bunny. And the only place in town to get your very own May 16th Tree is Farson Bros. Tree Farm. You know where we are. It's the place you used to buy your Christmas trees until you abandoned us last year, you traitors! Ha-ha-ha! Just kidding! A Merry May 16th to all and to all a good night!
Farson Bros. Tree Farm - Open Every Day From April 30th until June 12th
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