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We Are Ashamed To Have A MySpace Page, But We Want You To Go To It - Click Here
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This Week on
Episode XVIII
(Song Of CPPres)
Original Airdate -
April 26th, 2006
Having finished writing what he believes is a hit song, CPPres begins the process of recording it. He tries to convince Happy Rabbit and Bizarro Jerry to play on the track, but after hearing the first verse, they get up and start to walk out of the room. When CPPres tells them that the song is going to be awesome because it is called "What A Crazy Party", they sprint out of the room as fast as they can.
Although he feels frustrated and betrayed by his friends, CPPres remains determined to get "What A Crazy Party" on tape. In a moment of inspiration, he drives down to the Home Depot and asks the illegal immigrant day-workers if any of them know how to play any instruments. Three of them do, and he loads them into his trunk and drives off to the recording studio he rented for the day. A few hours later, "What A Crazy Party" is a musical reality, and to celebrate, CPPres takes the illegal immigrants out for ice cream.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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For as long as there's been Commercial Parodies, there have been Commercial Parodies fans, many of whom regularly forget to take their medication. But amongst this special group of people, there are a percentage who love our show a little TOO much. They are the Super Fans. These are the folks who memorize every episode, know the birthdays of all the cast members, and attend the C.P. Conventions that WE wouldn't go to even if you kidnapped our children and held them hostage. Don't get us wrong. We love our fans, but we're a little bit scared of our Super Fans. We usually don't mention the Super Fans in print, because we try not to encourage them (it's similar to how Hamas refuses to recognize Israel), but we couldn't come up with anything to write about this week, so the Super Fans it is.
C.P. Super Fans Inc. publishes a monthly Super Fan Newsletter, offering all the latest news and gossip about the show and the cast and the website. It's an interesting read, especially because it's one of the few places you will see somebody mention "C.P. On-Line" without immediately following it with "sucks". We now reprint April's newsletter here, in its entirety, but keep in mind that the views of the Super Fans do not necessarily match the views of C.P. On-Line, except for any part where they talk about bacon being delicious. Let's face it, it's hard to argue with THAT.
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C.P. Super Fans Inc. presents...
The Official C.P. Super Fan Newsletter
Volume 15, Issue 4
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A Special Message from Chester Madison,
President of the Super Fans:
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Howdy to all the great C.P. Super Fans out there and I hope you're having a Super C.P. Day! This has been another exciting month in the incredible world of Commercial Parodies and according to the five-day forecast, C.P. has nothing but great days ahead! Last week, I was browsing on eBay, and I was lucky enough to get my hands on a pair of old tennis shoes, previously worn by CPPres himself! They're a pair of white Nikes, size 12, and they are amazing! Even more amazing is that I was the only person that bid on them, so I got 'em for dirt cheap. It's rare you find such a valuable piece of C.P. memorabilia at such a bargain price.
Also, I'm excited to announce that while following Happy Rabbit home on the freeway the other day, I was able to get a great picture of him giving me the finger. And then, to put a cherry on top, he threw a can of Dr. Pepper at me. I pulled over to the emergency lane, got out of my car, ran across four lanes of traffic, and retrieved my prize. An unopened Dr. Pepper can with Happy Rabbit's fingerprints STILL ON THEM. I about died and went to Super Fan Heaven. Then I got hit by a Jetta and almost went to Actual Heaven, but it was worth it. But enough of my yakking. You came to read about the greatest show of all time (Commercial Parodies, of course! LOL!) and we've got plenty to tell you!
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RUMOR CONTROL
Q. Is World Famous Treasure Hunter Zach Snyder dating teen queen Lindsay Lohan?
A. No.
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SIGHTINGS
- Super Fan Millard Pierce reports that he spotted C.P. On-Line columnist Bizarro Jerry pumping iron at his local gym. Millard says that Jerry signed an autograph for him and even give him a handful of free steroids.
- CPPres was recently seen at the beach with his daughter, Mackenzie. (Senior Super Fan Thomas Grant says that CPPres wore swim trunks, just like a normal person! Thomas also points out that when he introduced himself as a Super Fan and asked CPPres to tongue-kiss him, CPPres politely refused. Thomas speculated that CPPres probably only refused because his daughter was nearby.
- New C.P. On-Line staff member Captain Science took in a showing of Scary Movie 4 last Friday, and cried in terror throughout the whole film. Super Fan Harry Hoover was able to take nearly seventy pictures of Captain Science both before, during, and after the movie, but was not able to get a DNA sample because, as he puts it, "Captain Science runs faster than I do". Oh well. Maybe next time, Harry!
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CLASSIC MEMORIES
By Super Fan John Monroe
Almost every episode of Commercial Parodies is special to me, but the one that really defines me as a human being would have to be, without a doubt, Episode 216. This episode, from the brilliant fifth season, contained the sketches "Jewmanji", a spoof of Grumpy Old Men called "Angriest Old Man", "Mother of the Father of The Bride", and the flawless commercial for "Cap'N Crunch With Special Martin Luther King Day Marshmallows". I remember laughing so hard, I could barely breathe. I remember wondering how one show could be so hilarious all the time, and then I decided I didn't WANT to know. You don't want to know how the magic trick works. You just want to be amazed by the wonderment. And Episode 216 was so full of wonderment that by the end, I wasn't even laughing anymore. I was weeping. Weeping because I felt so blessed to be in its presence. I sobbed for almost an hour, and then my mother came in looked at me with disgust and said, "That's it! You're not watching that ridiculous show any more! It's garbage!" and I stood up and I yelled, "You're wrong, Mother! YOU'RE garbage! YOU ARE THE ONE THAT IS GARBAGE!" and then I socked her right in her mouth. You know who else was garbage? The judge. I was like, "How can you put me in prison? Don't you understand? She insulted Episode 216! She friggin' insulted Episode 216!!" and then I socked him right in the mouth. (sigh) That was SUCH a great episode. I wish I could have its children.
Next Month in Classic Memories: John Monroe remembers Episode 134, the one with "Four Funerals and A Wedding" and "The One Book Library", and how the episode led him to sock the Pope right in the mouth
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SUPER FAN QUIZ
Q) What is Bizarro Jerry's favorite color?
A) This is an easy one, if you are a Super Fan. Bizarro Jerry has stated on a number of occasions that his favorite color is "clear". Also, his favorite Carrot Top movie is "Chairman of the Board", which you might want to write down, because it will be the Super Fan Quiz Question next month
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SUPER FAN CPOTLIGHT
By Super Fan Woodrow B. Hayes
Each month, we take a closer look at a one of your favorite C.P. On-Line staffers and dig up all the inside scoop. This time, the CPotlight falls on newcomer Zach Snyder, who is a part-time treasure hunter and a full-time dreamboat.
Why is Zach Synder so awesome? Is it because he works at C.P. On-Line? Yes, but there is more to it than that. Zach has traveled around the world to the most exotic locations looking for riches and golden doubloons. He has climbed mountains and jumped from airplanes and battled vicious marauders, and the whole time, he has stayed sexy. He is currently searching for the mysterious Treasure of the C.P. On-Line Offices, and he will probably find it, because he is so handsome. Oh, how I long to gaze into his deep blue eyes and take him by his rough manly hands. If only he would tell me he loved me, why, I wouldn't want anything else in the world. Zach Snyder is the best at finding treasure, but if I had Zach Snyder, he would be MY treasure. And I would treasure him. The other day, I sent him a message on MySpace and asked if he would take me to prom. I hope he says yes. Zach Snyder is not like all the other guys. He is my dream lover. And that is my report on why Zach Snyder is so awesome!
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SUPER FAN POLL
If you had a chance to work at C.P. On-Line and hang out with everyone there all day and get paid for it, but first you had to kill someone, who would you kill?
A) One Death-Row Inmate
B) Not MY Grandma, But Someone Else's Grandma
C) I Think It Is Sick and Wrong That I Would Have To End Someone Else's Life Just So I Could Be A Part Of C.P. On-Line, But I Mean, If I HAVE To, I Would Strangle A Bald Eagle With My Bare Hands
D) Whoever Gets In My Way
RUMOR CONTROL PART TWO
Q. If you listen real close, can you hear Founder Matt in the background of the new audiotape released on Sunday by Osama bin Laden?
A. Yes. He is the one who keeps talking about how he is dating teen queen Lindsay Lohan and eventually Osama tells him to "shut the hell up" and "nobody believes your lies".
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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE CHICKEN
By Super Fan Vice President Dan Fairbanks
It is incredibly rare to get an actual one-on-one interview with anyone inside C.P. On-Line, but Vice President Fairbanks is as determined as any Super Fan out there, and he is willing to go the extra mile to get the exclusives that Super Fans crave like heroin. Sometimes, when we don't have exclusives, Super Fans will show up at our front door, carrying torches and pitchforks. Since our insurance doesn't cover that sort of thing, we have to make these exclusives happen, no matter what it takes. In THIS case, all it took was Vice President Fairbanks camping outside of the C.P. On-Line offices for damn near three weeks in a tattered sleeping bag. But it was worth it, because he was able to corner The Chicken and get this incredible interview. Way to go, Dan! You are a super Super Fan!
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Dan Fairbanks - Excuse me! You're The Chicken, right? Can I have a few moments of your time?
The Chicken - Cluck-cluck-cluck.
D.F. - Awesome! So, are you enjoying being a part of C.P. On-Line? It's got to be an incredible experience!
T.C. - Buck-buck! (flaps wings) BUCK-CAW!!
D.F. - Are you getting along with all your co-workers or are there some little catfights going on in there? ROWR! Ha-ha-ha!
T.C. - Buck-buck-buck-BUCK-CAW!! BUCK-CAW!! (bobs head up and down. Scans ground for corn)
D.F. - Now, I don't want to get too personal, but is there a lucky lady chicken in your life?
T.C. - (fluffs up feathers) BUCK-BUCK-BUCK!! BUCK-CAW!! (jumps up and begins clawing at Dan Fairbanks' face. After a moment, he runs off, back towards the office)
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The Moose Is Loose
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Hello. My name is Randy Farmer and along with my brother Andy, we are the owners of Farmer Farms, an industry leader in milk production and distribution. We recently inherited Farmer Farms from our father, who was tragically killed in a barn fire. After the funeral, Andy and I were determined to get back to work, selling the best milk in the country, in honor of our dad. But there was a problem. All the cows died in the barn fire too. We didn't have the money to buy another herd or even a high-tech Wireless Cow. So we went for a drive on a winding country road to try and figure out what to do next. Several miles into that drive, we hit a moose. And when we got out and saw that the moose was still alive, we realized we'd found our answer.
Farmer Farms presents the next generation in refreshment: Moose Juice! That's right, delicious nutritious Moose Juice! You probably had no idea you could get juice from a moose, but the bigger surprise is how tasty it is. Andy and I took that moose home, patched him up, and noticed that he had nipples, just like a cow! "Maybe we could get some milk out of THOSE", Andy said. "Not milk," I said. "Juice!" Some people think we hit our heads pretty hard when we ran into the moose, but those people are just haters. They're jealous that they didn't come up with the idea of Moose Juice first. Don't be jealous, folks. Just drink an ice-cold glass of Moose Juice and be happy that SOMEBODY thought of it. And drink as much as you want, because our moose produces plenty of juice.
Farmer Farms Moose Juice isn't just yummy, it's good for you too! Moose Juice contains vitamins and minerals and only 2% MooseFat by volume. It's also available in chocolate, which means that the kids will love it too! "More Chocolate Moose Juice, please!" they will say, with a cute little Moose Juice mustache on their upper lip. It's so cute, you're going to want to take a picture. And when Christmas time rolls around, don't forget to leave out some cookies and Moose Juice for Santa! He'll be so stoked, he'll probably leave a little something extra under the tree!
So come on, everyone! Be the first on your block to try new Farmer Farms Moose Juice. If you buy enough, we might be able to buy a second moose. Or maybe a goose. But until that day, keep our little jingle in mind:
"Get off your caboose! There's no excuse!
Go get the juice, that comes from a moose!"
Farmer Farms Moose Juice - Moooooooooooose!
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