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This Week on
Episode XVII
(Losing Wisdom)
Original Airdate - April 19th, 2006
As a part of his continuing quest to make his faltering reality show less boring, CPPres heads down to the dentist and gets his wisdom teeth pulled. The procedure goes without a hitch and is not interesting in the least. Doped up on Vicodin and angry about how smoothly everything went, CPPres returns to the C.P. On-Line offices and begins berating his co-workers about how much they suck and blaming them for Keepin' It Real's poor ratings. Knowing his delicate condition, they decide to give him a bowl of Grape-Nuts and tell him it's soft creamy yogurt. The screams are high-pitched, but entertaining.
Later on, after spending the better part of the evening digging Grape-Nuts out of his bleeding tooth holes, CPPres takes a handful of Vicodin to numb the incredible pain. After staggering around for a few minutes, he collapses and does not wake for almost three days. The Keepin' It Real camera crew kind of thinks he is dead, but it is not their job to become part of the reality show. Their job is just to film the subject of the reality show, even if he is not moving and flies are buzzing in and out of his ears. When CPPres finally comes to, he sits up and proclaims that while he was in his drug coma, he had a vision. A vision that will change his life and his reality show forever. A vision, he says, of a hit song. He grabs a pen and starts writing, which is where the episode ends.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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If we've learned anything, and I think it's pretty obvious that we haven't, it's that people love Official Commercial Parodies merchandise. And we love selling it to you. All this love has inspired us to develop even more C.P. On-Line trinkets and knick-knacks that our readership will buy, receive, then quickly attempt to sell on eBay. Without a doubt, this is our best collection of merchandise yet, and you can rest easy knowing that each and every order is personally filled by either an actual C.P. On-Line staff member or a homeless person at gunpoint. That's our promise to you! (By the way, if you missed either one of our other incredible merchandise catalogs, we have provided helpful links here and here. Helpful links are our favorites!)
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The Official C.P. On-Line Merchandise Catalog -
April 2006 Edition
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The 2004 C.P. On-Line Wall Calendar -
Tired of not knowing what day and/or month it is? Fret no longer, because the answers are contained within the 2003 C.P. On-Line Wall Calendar. Our Wall Calendar features all eleven months of the year in roughly chronological order, and to make the deal even sweeter, each month includes a full-color picture of our photogenic writing staff (except for August, which contains a picture we ripped out of the Harry Potter calendar because we didn't take enough pictures at the photo shoot). We understand that it's not exactly 2003 anymore, but the thing is, we produced a LOT of these calendars and they didn't sell as well as we'd hoped. We think it's got a lot to do with the fact that in most of the pictures, Founder Matt is either wearing a Klansman outfit or he is naked. Interestingly enough, he is even naked in the Harry Potter picture, which we've never been able to figure out.
Our Price: $20.03 each
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C.P. On-Line: The Fragrance -
You eat, drink, and breathe C.P. On-Line. Now you can finally smell like it too! We spent days and days wandering around the office, trying to figure out just what C.P On-Line really smells like, and after a lot of sniffing, it hit us. Working here smells like boysenberry, Windex, and despair! Working with some of the most talented members of the scent community, we were able to put that distinctive aroma in a bottle, and now you can buy it and spray it on yourself. Or people you don't like. Our exclusive Fragrance is perfect for a night on the town, a hot date with that special someone, or a trip to the Post Office to buy one single stamp with twenty-nine pennies and two nickels. And the best part about our Fragrance is that it doesn't come off for days, no matter how hard you scrub! Even if you stand under scalding water with an S.O.S. pad, scouring and scouring until your skin starts to bleed, you will still reek of C.P. On-Line! And C.P. On-Line: The Fragrance is gender-neutral. Men... women... even short-haired cats and dogs can enjoy wearing the glorious stench that is C.P. On-Line: The Fragrance. Now, when you pass that guy on the street and he says, "Dude, you smell funny", you can reply by proudly stating, "That is correct! Funny like C.P. On-Line!"
Our Price: $62.75 per ounce. Also available in gallons
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CPop-Tarts -
Toaster pastries are very popular amongst our writing staff, but we often wonder why we can't find a toaster pastry named after our comedy show. Finally, our dream has come true. CPop-Tarts are delicious to eat, quick to prepare, and not related to a certain Kellogg's product in any way. Sure, some of the flavors are the same, including Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon, S'mores and Low-Fat Frosted Chocolate Fudge, but our CPop-Tarts have something those inferior Kellogg's toaster pastries don't. Namely, most of the CPop-Tart boxes have been opened, and a lot of the toaster pastries are missing. But the crumbs we leave behind are pretty tasty.
Our Price: $4.99 per box
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Fun Time Wacky Pogs -
Remember pogs? Remember how for like two months back in 1994, pogs were awesome? Well, we're pretty sure pogs are getting ready to make a comeback, and we're going to profit off it big time! Our radical C.P. On-Line pogs are the dopest! They are phat with a "ph". "No way!", you say. "Way!", we respond. Each colorful C.P. On-Line pog features the letters "C.P." written on it with a permanent marker (that's right... permanent!) and a number from 1 to 100 written on the back. Collect all 100! Our pogs are the highest quality pogs on the market, made from whatever the hell pogs are made out of. Notebook paper, maybe? Whatever it is, these suckers are built to LAST! And they will last until you capture everybody else's pogs in intense pog battle, and even after you get punched in the stomach by some pog-hungry bully and get your pogs stolen while you lie on the ground, gasping for air. Pogs are pog-tastic! And if you're one of the first twenty-five customers to order Fun Time Wacky Pogs, we will include, free of charge, one jiggy C.P. On-Line slammer. Our slammers are made out of heavy plastic and, like the pogs, feature the letters "C.P." on the face. But here's what makes our slammers so special: the "C.P." is carved onto the slammer... with a steak knife! Whoa! That's non-heinous! So obviously, there's only one way to be on the forefront of cool. Get pogs. Get them now. Hurry, because by the time you get them, they might not be cool anymore!
Our Price: $6.05 per pair of pogs
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An Appearance on C.P. On-Line -
What's the only thing better than reading C.P. On-Line? ("Anything" is not really the answer we're looking for here) That's right. Being a part of C.P. On-Line! For just a small fee, you can be written into the world of C.P. On-Line! It's like seeing your name in The Da Vinci Code or something. And the more you pay, the more elaborate your appearance will become. Here are some examples of how you could turn up on the website, as soon as your check clears:
- $50 to $75 - Bizarro Jerry looked outside. "What a beautiful day," he thought. "If only Daniel Peterson of Fremont, Ohio could be here to see it."
- $76 to $250 - "Oh-no!", said Happy Rabbit. "Our office will be blown to smithereens by terrorists unless somebody has the antidote!"
Suddenly, a attractive member of the C.P. On-Line readership came driving up in a brand-new Ferrari holding a vial of the antidote. "Never fear," said the driver, Daniel Peterson of Fremont, Ohio. "Daniel Peterson of Fremont, Ohio is here!"
"My hero!" sighed Happy Rabbit.
- $251 to $999 - We are happy to introduce our new leader, Founder Daniel Peterson of Fremont, Ohio. We look forward to his reign and cannot wait to do his bidding.
- $1000 and up - As of this moment, CommercialParodies.com has now been renamed DanielPeterson.com of Fremont, Ohio. Please make the appropriate changes to your bookmarks.
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The Moose Is Loose
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Hello. My name is Randy Farmer and along with my brother Andy, we are the owners of Farmer Farms, an industry leader in milk production and distribution. We recently inherited Farmer Farms from our father, who was tragically killed in a barn fire. After the funeral, Andy and I were determined to get back to work, selling the best milk in the country, in honor of our dad. But there was a problem. All the cows died in the barn fire too. We didn't have the money to buy another herd or even a high-tech Wireless Cow. So we went for a drive on a winding country road to try and figure out what to do next. Several miles into that drive, we hit a moose. And when we got out and saw that the moose was still alive, we realized we'd found our answer.
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