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This Week on
Episode XVI
(Lemonade Stand)
Original Airdate - April 12th, 2006
When CPPres reads a review of "Keepin' It Real" that calls the show "boring and pointless", he decides to spice it up by purposely looking for wacky situations to get involved in. His first idea is to put up a lemonade stand outside the C.P. On-Line offices, pointing out that "there isn't anything wackier than a grown man selling lemonade on a street corner! Am I right?!" Obviously he does not hear the answer, because he does it anyway.
After six hours without a customer, CPPres becomes irate and knocks over the lemonade stand, cursing and stomping on the wreckage. At some point, he stomps on a lemon, which squirts him in the eye with juice, causing him to fall to the ground, where he rolls around and shrieks in agony. His co-workers Bizarro Jerry and Happy Rabbit feel bad for CPPres, so they come outside and offer to buy a glass of lemonade from him. CPPres is so touched by this act of friendship that tears unrelated to the citric acid stream from his eyes. Later on, to thank them, he takes Bizarro Jerry and Happy Rabbit out for ice cream. When he takes the first bite of his ice cream, CPPres howls in agony at a sharp pain in his mouth. A quick trip to the dentist later, it is discovered that in addition to the eight cavities, his wisdom teeth are going to have to come out. CPPres is angry and scared, but figures that maybe the operation will make for a wacky episode.
"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood
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Something From The Yellow Brick Archives
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We were sitting around the other day, talking about how amazing it is that it's 2006. "2006!" we said in awe,"That's the FUTURE!" And then we figured, because by this point we had had a few drinks, "What better way to look ahead to the future, then by looking back at the past." Okay, that's not exactly true. The fact is, we ran out of clever, original ideas, so we're trying to cover it up by re-printing a "classic" Bulletin from sixty years ago. Loyal website readers will agree that this is a good idea, because when we're yanking stuff out of the C.P. Archives, we're not coming up with new stuff. (Although it can't be a good sign that we're barely six months into this new website and we're ALREADY out of ideas. Stick around folks. This could get interesting)
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The Wizard Of C.P. Bulletin
Volume Little Pretty's, Issue Little Dog Too
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Hello munchkins, and welcome to the latest edition of the Wizard of C.P. Bulletin. This is the first issue since the Wicked Matt of the West got himself a new pair of ruby slippers, so he should be fairly distracted for the rest of the week. He also got a tight leather skirt, so it goes without saying that we're going to be giving his house a wide berth. As always, this Bulletin is dedicated to the glorious Wizard of C.P. who we love because... because, because, because, because, because... because he's trying to help us get rid of this stuttering problem of ours. Let's take... take, take, take... a look at all the latest n-n-news.
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Change of Ownership -
After several successful years of welcoming people to Munchkin Land, the Lollypop Guild has been bought out by AOL/Time Warner. Starting this fiscal quarter, the Lollypop Guild will be represented by a talking corporate logo named Guildy the Lollypop. He will be happy to sing the song, but it's gonna cost you.
Leave of Absence -
Northern favorite Glinda the Good Witch will be taking several weeks off so that she may take a much-needed vacation. Not to worry though, because her second cousin Blair will be acting as interim Glinda until the real Glinda returns. Let's all give a hearty hello to Glinda the Blair Witch, and let's also try to avoid the woods for the time being.
Weather Report -
The five-day forecast shows nothing but clear skies in our future, with only a 15% chance of houses falling from the sky. This can be blamed on the Wizard of C.P., whose Levitating Tract Housing is a good idea, but only in theory. Hey, Wiz! Let's keep the houses out of the sky until we master the technology, m'kay?
Found -
Brains. Found near cornfield, being pecked by crows. Still in good condition. Got me to thinkin' that this brain could help someone be another Lincoln. Contact Glinda the Blair Witch, or better yet, gather up a bunch of children and come visit my rickety shack in the middle of the forest.
And Finally... -
Let's not forget the three most important rules that we must always follow.
1. Don't feed the flying monkeys.
2. Don't dress the flying monkeys up in hotel bellboy uniforms.
3. If you must date the flying monkeys, don't make a commitment. They will break your heart. Trust me. I know.
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-Letters To The Wicked Matt Of The West-
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Dear Wicked Matt of the West,
Okay, let me get this straight. You fly on a broom. You've got magical powers. Your best friend is named Hermione. Do you really expect us to believe that you aren't anything more than a shameless rip-off of Harry Potter? You must think that oil the rust of us are just stupid.
--The Tin Carl
P.S. - Oil can! Oil can!
Dear Tin Carl,
Your accusations are pointless and without merit. I'm not a rip-off of anyone. I am an original character. If anyone is a "shameless rip-off", I think it's obvious that it's YOU. You're made of metal. You've got a rusty axe. You're made completely out of tin. I think you know what I'm driving at Carl... or should I say, "Cowardly Lion". Hey, can I get you some c-c-courage? Ha-ha-ha!
--Wicked Matt of the West
P.S. - I've just GOTTA get another appointment with the Wizard of C.P. This stuttering is getting worse and worse.
Dear Wicked Matt of the West,
If there's a Wicked Matt of the West, does that mean that there's a Wicked Matt of the East?
--Just wonderin'... Auntie Em
Dear Auntie Em,
I like your rap music. In answer to your question, there is a Matt in the East, but he's not really wicked. If anything, he's benevolent and kind. You know, kind of the black sheep of the family. So while I don't go out of my way to AVOID the Kindly Matt of the East, I sure don't see him that often.
--Wicked Matt of the West
P.S. - We're all ashamed of his kindness, but he does have a wicked crack habit, so that's a good start.
Dear Wicked Matt of the West,
Would you like to come with me on a vacation to the ocean? We could swim and shoot each other with squirt guns and frolic in the fire hydrant and toss buckets of water on each other. It would be a great time, if you're interested. Think of all the water! Just think about it!
--Glinda
Dear Glinda,
Yeah, okay. That sounds like fun.
--Wicked Matt of the West
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Tap Your Heels and Read This Bottom Five List
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Everyone in Kansas has everything they desire... but we're not in Kansas anymore! HAW-HAW-HAW! HAW-HAW-HAW!! Boy, I'm never not funny. Not even for a second. (sighs and wipes tear) Anyway, here's a look at the five things people are wanting the most these days, as presented through the titles of the songs they sing day and night, over and over, until you just want to tear off your ears and jump on them.
The Bottom Five Songs People Are Singing About What They Want
5. If I Only Had A Medulla Oblongata
4. If I Only Had A Subscription To Muscle and Fitness Magazine
3. If I Only Hadn't Drank That Last Six or Seven Beers
2. If I Only Had A Brain and a Heart and Eyeballs and a Mouth and Arms and a Central Nervous System And... (song only sung by one-celled organisms)
1. If I Only Had A-A-A-A Way To Fix This Stuttering Problem
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Well, another Wizard of C.P. Bulletin has crawled into the hot-air balloon and flown into the sun. Of course, the Bulletin could have been over at any time. See, the power was in you all along. So you can understand why we would have waited until the end to run THAT little nugget of information by you. Be sure to keep an eye out next month for a very special "Gone With The C.P." Bulletin. Actually, you can keep an eye out... or not. Whatever. Frankly, my readers, I don't give a damn. (readership embraces Bulletin writers. they kiss passionately. fade to black)
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Copyright 1939 Matt If I Only Had A Musical Instrument Co.
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The Mind-Numbing Adventures Of The Friendly Happy Forest
Today's Lesson: Being Polite
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It was a beautiful day in the Friendly Happy Forest. The sun was shining, the clouds were fluffy, and the bees buzzed happily as they flew from flower to flower. Near the Friendly Happy Grassy Hill, a herd of Friendly Happy Antelopes grazed happily and also in a friendly way. Everything was peaceful on the Friendly Happy Grassy Hill until the Friendly Happy Baby Antelope came bounding into the clearing.
The Friendly Happy Baby Antelope ran right up to the grassiest part of the hill and pushed all the other Friendly Happy Antelopes out of the way. "Mine!" shouted the Friendly Happy Baby Antelope. "This grass is all mine! Don't eat it! It's mine!"
Wishing to avoid a scene, the herd walked away and began chewing on the leaves of some Friendly Happy trees. After a moment, the Friendly Happy Baby Antelope darted over to the herd and started ramming them with his head. "No!" he shrieked. "I want to eat the leaves! You can't have any! It all belongs to me! Mine! Mine! Mine!"
One of the elder Friendly Happy Antelopes walked over to the Friendly Happy Baby Antelope and said in a soft voice, "You need to be polite, Friendly Happy Baby Antelope. There is plenty of grass and leaves for the entire herd to eat. There is no need to push us all out of the way. We can all graze together in harmony and tra-la-la!"
"You're stupid and old!" yelled the Friendly Happy Baby Antelope. "My daddy has bigger horns than you!"
A Friendly Happy Owl heard the conversation while flying overhead and landed in a nearby Friendly Happy tree. "You should respect your elders, Friendly Happy Baby Antelope," said the wise old Friendly Happy Owl. "He is simply trying to teach you the importance of being polite. Here in the Friendly Happy Forest, we can all be happy as long as we are polite to each other and tra-la-la!"
The Friendly Happy Baby Antelope stuck his tongue out at the Friendly Happy Owl. "Hey, Friendly Happy Owl. Why don't you just suck it? And you can take your tra-la-la and stick it up your feathered colon. My daddy has bigger horns than you too!"
"Friendly Happy Baby Antelope!" said an angry voice from the top of the Friendly Happy Grassy Hill. All the animals turned to look and there, silhouetted against the bright blue sky, was the Friendly Happy Daddy Antelope. He was large and muscular and yes, he did have the biggest horns in the herd. He walked down the hill towards his son with scorn on his face. "I am ashamed of you!" he bellowed. "I never thought a child of mine would be so impolite! To say such rude things to our fellow Friendly Happy creatures! Haven't I taught you the magic of being polite? How being polite is good and how NOT being polite is the opposite of good? The way that polite is what you should be and that when you are not polite, you are polite-less in a way that is anti-polite? And also tra-la-la?"
Hearing the power of his father's powerful words, the Friendly Happy Baby Antelope hung his head. When he looked back up, the herd had gathered around and they were smiling. Even the Friendly Happy Owl was moved by the speech given by the Friendly Happy Daddy Antelope. After taking a moment to compose his thoughts, the Friendly Happy Baby Antelope sighed softly. Then he stomped his hoof on the ground and declared, "You suck, dad, and you can kiss my Friendly Happy rear end! Now gimme some grass and leaves now! I want it! NOW! NOW! NOW!"
As it turns out, all this ruckus attracted the attention of a passing group of Friendly Happy Panthers. And as it had been several days since they'd last eaten, they were happy to attack the herd and devour them. Normally, a Friendly Happy Antelope can get away from a bloodthirsty Friendly Happy Panther, but the Friendly Happy Baby Antelope was being so loud that the herd did not hear the approaching Friendly Happy Panthers until it was much too late. The carnage was staggering. Not one Friendly Happy Antelope escaped. Even the Friendly Happy Owl got torn to shreds. And later on that night, when the Friendly Happy Panthers returned to their den to feed the mangled corpses to their children, the Friendly Happy Baby Panthers were heard to say both "please" AND "thank you", because that is what you do when you are polite.
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(The Friendly Happy Forest series - Copyright 2006 Friendly Happy Productions)
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Oh Wow Brown Cow!
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The cow. One of nature's most versatile creatures. Cows can be used for meat and milk and leather furniture. But in the last thousand years or so, very little cow progress has been made. The Cow of Today is almost identical to the Cow of Yesteryear and in this age of technology, such a lack of improvement is unacceptable. It's the 21st Century, dag-gum-it! Your cow should not be stuck in the caveman times! And that is why, for the last fifteen years, the federal government, in association with this nation's top scientists and farmers, has been developing the next generation of Cow. At long last, this next-gen cow is about to be made available to the public.
Ladies and gentleman, please rise and say hello to The Wireless Cow. It's the Cow of the Future and once you've experienced it, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it. First and foremost, the Wireless Cow doesn't have to be plugged in. Let me say that again, because you probably think what I just said is a typo. The Wireless Cow DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PLUGGED IN! Now you can do all your milking on the go, in a way that compliments your busy lifestyle. And don't think that "wireless" means "slow". The Wireless Cow works just as fast as a regular cow, sometimes even faster. That's because the Wireless Cow is powered by satellites that were exclusively designed to handle this new Wi-Cow technology. This means fewer dropped "Moo's", guaranteed! But that's not all! The Wireless Cow comes equipped with hooves, an MP3 player, and text messaging capabilities. Cow Science Fiction is now Cow Reality!
Security is an unavoidable issue these days as hackers and unsavory persons are working around the clock to get a hold of your personal information and also tip over your cow. But with the Wireless Cow, you can rest easy knowing that we've installed the most advanced security features right into the cow's DNA. Every Wireless Cow is outfitted with an assault rifle, a 75,000-volt cattle prod and a direct link to our 24-hour Wireless Cow monitoring center. If those smart-aleck kids from across the street get anywhere near your Wireless Cow, THEY WILL REGRET IT. But if they treat the Wireless Cow with respect, it might just let them play classic video games on its touch-screen hide. Also, every single Wireless Cow is born with OnStar. Standard. You don't even need to ask. It's already there.
Why be the last dope in Lameville when you can be President of Awesomeburg? Get a Wireless Cow today and start experiencing a world you've never even imagined. Once you've cowed wireless, you'll never want to cow any other way. (Important Legal Note: Please do not attempt to mate your Wireless Cow with your Wireless Bull. It does not make cute little Wireless Calves. It just damages the internal software)
The Wireless Cow - The Cow That Proves Once Again That Science Rules!
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