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Episode XV

(Real-Time)

Original Airdate - April 5th, 2006

Inspired by his favorite show, 24, CPPres decides that this episode of Keepin' It Real will be done in real-time. Whatever happens in the next 30 minutes will be what goes on the show, no matter what. The clock starts, and CPPres heads down to the supermarket, thinking that the setting will provide some great improvised comedy. Instead, CPPres becomes so overwhelmed by the pressure of trying to be funny that he freezes up and starts making lame jokes ("Look! Here's some oatmeal! More like GOAT-meal! Ha-ha-ha!") followed by lamer jokes ("Look! Here are some oranges! Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Ha-ha-ha!") This goes on for about 28 minutes until the store manager finally has to ask CPPres to leave.

There are high-speed pursuits, drunken rednecks, crooks getting pepper-sprayed, and crazy S.W.A.T. team gunfights with gang members. The camera crew gets so much incredible footage that the producers decide to expand this week's show to one full hour, with no commercial interruptions. At the very end of the episode, over the closing credits, CPPres wakes up and stumbles into the kitchen to cook some oatmeal, which means that the camera crew will probably have to go back to his apartment and start filming him again.

"CPPres: Keepin' It Real" is a syndicated program. Check your local listings for the time and channel it will air on in your neighborhood


	Previously, on C.P. On-Line, we presented the transcript of the first part of a new reality show called "Everybody Agrees". It ended in an exciting cliffhanger. We have been bombarded with letters from fans who desperately want to know what happens next. Also, we have been bombarded with rocks and bottles, but we doubt the people that are doing that are fans. No matter, we are happy to announce the news you've all been waiting to hear: The exciting conclusion of "Everybody Agrees" starts... right now! (If you missed Part One, you should be ashamed of yourselves. But because we here at C.P. On-Line are generous to a fault, we have provided a helpful link right here. You're welcome)

Everybody Agrees

Episode I (Pilot: Part Two)


	(We begin on a shot of the tote-board and the amount of money displayed on it, which has fallen from $2,000,000 to $1,240,000 and continues to shrink. The contestants are where we left them, exchanging blows around the conference table. The floating head of game-show host Tom Yappy appears on the TV screen below the tote-board) Tom Yappy - Hey! Hey! Knock it off! Stop that fighting! (Reluctantly, the contestants stop brawling and take their seats) Tom Yappy - This is exactly what you people were doing the last time I checked in, and that was four days ago! Are you telling me all you've been doing is fighting each other for the last four days?! Bizarro Jerry - Pretty much. CPPres - Although we did stop for a half-hour last Monday to watch a brand-new episode of Two and a Half Men on CBS. Happy Rabbit - See, Alan started to have financial problems when he started paying for his girlfriend's bills, so Charlie tried to get him to break up with her. Zach Snyder - Meanwhile, Judith was after Alan because he was late in paying his alimony check! Captain Science - It was SO funny! (The contestants all share a hearty laugh while thinking back on the episode) CPPres - But yeah, aside from that, we've mostly just been punching each other in the throat. Tom Yappy - (sighs) So you've made no progress whatsoever in deciding who you're going to give the money to? The Chicken - Buck-buck-buck! Buck-buck-BUCK-CAW! (flaps wings in Tom Yappy's direction) BUCK-CAW!! Happy Rabbit - Exactly. Zach Snyder - The Chicken makes a good point. Tom Yappy - I can see I'm going to have to help this process along. Along with the producers, we have decided to allow one of you to make a phone call to your family. (There is a long silence in the room) CPPres - Wait, how does that help out anything? Tom Yappy - That's right! One phone call! Happy Rabbit - You didn't really answer his question, Tom. Tom Yappy - (ignoring Happy Rabbit and CPPres) Captain Science! Would you like to be the one to make the phone call? Captain Science - (eyes beginning to well up with tears) You mean... I can talk to my family? I miss them so much! (his voice cracks) All I want to do is hear my wife's voice one more time... Bizarro Jerry - Way to go, Yappy. We just barely got him to STOP crying and now you're going to get him blubbering again! You and your producers are jerks, you know that? Tom Yappy - (ignoring Bizarro Jerry) If you look underneath the conference table, Captain Science, you will notice that there is a cell phone duct taped to the floor. Take the cell phone, Captain Science, and make your emotional dramatic phone call. Captain Science - Would it be all right if I went somewhere private to make this call? It's going to be kind of personal. Tom Yappy - Of course. In the corner of a bunker, there is a small room made out of Plexiglas. Inside is a stool and a video camera. We call it The Room of Privacy. Please enter The Room of Privacy, sit on the stool, face the video camera, and you will be able to say whatever you want without worrying about being heard. Captain Science - Oh, thank you, Tom Yappy! You are a good man! (Captain Science rips the phone off the floor and scurries away towards The Room of Privacy) Tom Yappy - So who wants to hear what Captain Science is saying on the phone? (Tom's head disappears from the TV screen and is replaced by the video feed from The Room of Privacy. Captain Science enters the room, sits down, and dials the phone. He is sobbing like a little girl. After a couple of rings, we hear his wife pick up) Mrs. Science - (voiceover) Hello? Captain Science - Honey? Mrs. Science -(v.o.) Captain? Is that you? Captain Science - I miss you so much! (sobs) These people are so horrible and (weeps) all I want to do (wipes tears out of his beard) is come home because (blubbers) I never realized how important it is (blows nose into sleeve of shirt) to be with the ones you (cries) love (wails). Mrs. Science - I'm sorry, dear. I missed a lot of that. I can't hear you over all the crying. (Captain Science throws his head back and makes a heartbreaking noise that kind of resembles a wolf howling at the moon. His then begins to choke on his tears, coughing and retching and drowning in grief. We cut back to the contestants, who are bored) Founder Matt - Can we watch something else? We've been watching THIS show for the last four days. (The head of Tom Yappy reappears on the screen) Tom Yappy - How would you all feel about having another vote? Maybe this time... (dramatic music plays)... everybody will agree! CPPres - I cannot think of anything in the entire world that is less likely than that. (Tom gets an agitated look on his face) Tom Yappy - What is WRONG with you people? Don't you want to get out of here? Don't you see that the amount of money is getting smaller and smaller right before your very eyes?! This is reality show, dammit! Why can't you be more real?! (The contestants just stare at Tom Yappy. Tom Yappy stares back. Finally, Founder Matt gets up and takes off his pants) Founder Matt - I'm going to go take a whiz on The Room of Privacy. (He walks away and Tom Yappy shakes his head) Tom Yappy - I need to go have a talk with the producers. (he points angrily at the contestants) We WILL make you people agree, you understand me! EVERYBODY WILL AGREE! (And with that, the floating head of Tom Yappy vanishes and we go to commercial. After two straight beer commercials followed by six car commercials in a row, the "Everybody Agrees" logo pops up on the screen, and an over-excited announcers begins shouting at us while terrible up-tempo guitar music plays) Announcer - Do you LOVE "Everybody Agrees"?! Is it your favorite show on television?! Wouldn't you love to own every episode so that you can watch it whenever you want including during holidays and funerals?! When your friends come over, wouldn't it be awesome to be able to strap them into a chair and says, "Hey! Let's watch every episode of "Everybody Agrees" and then we can do a bunch of coke off the episodes of "Everybody Agrees" and then watch them again in fast-motion!? That sure would be awesome and now your dreams can come true! At last, the COMPLETE FIRST SEASON of "Everybody Agrees" is available on DVD and the new Blu-Ray format! HOLY DAMN! Can you even believe it?! Finally, all one episode of the first season of "Everybody Agrees" can be yours and that's not all. THAT'S NOT ALL!! This exclusive collectors edition features so many extras that you're going to have to do MORE COKE and probably some shots of moonshine to handle it! Commentaries, behind-the-scenes footage, episodes of Charles in Charge, and over SEVENTY-NINE HOURS of deleted scenes, some of which are TOO HOT FOR TV!! AAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!! You've NEVER seen everybody agree until you've seen everybody agree on DVD, you sick bastards! I'M FREAKING OUT!! (There is a longish pause) Announcer - Also available on iTunes. Se habla espanol. ACT IV (We return to the bunker, and the contestants are now filing out of the conference room. In the background, we can see the tote-board, which now reads $975,428. As everyone wanders into the main living room, we hear a loud braying. Everybody stops in their tracks. There is a donkey standing on the couch) Bizarro Jerry - (pointing) There is a donkey on the couch. The Donkey - HEE-HAW!! HEE-HAW!! Happy Rabbit - It has an envelope duct-taped to its head. They must have had a sale on duct-tape at the hardware store when they were putting this show together. CPPres - So who's going to go over there and get the envelope off the donkey? (Suddenly inspired, World Famous Treasure Hunter Zach Snyder jumps in front of the group) Zach Snyder - Back away, all! A mission this fraught with peril can only be accomplished by a master of adventure, and I, Zach Snyder, am a master of adventure! (Zach slowly creeps over to the donkey and gingerly grabs the envelope. He pulls, but the duct-tape sticks to the donkey's fur) Zach Snyder - Curses! An obstacle! How am I to get this tape to release its death grip on the Mystery Donkey? I will need the assistance of someone strong! Founder Matt - You know who's strong? Bizarro Jerry. Why, he's the strongest guy I know! Bizarro Jerry - (obviously a little bit flattered) Well, I AM pretty strong. I wasn't aware that anybody really noticed. Founder Matt - Oh, sure I noticed. In fact, I'm a little bit jealous. I sometimes tell my friends, "I wish I could be strong like Bizarro Jerry". Bizarro Jerry - You do? Wow... I had no idea. Founder Matt - Yeah, I'm full of humanity and caring. I just hide it because I'm too shy to tell people how I really feel. So anyway, since you're so strong, why don't you go stand behind that donkey and hold him down while Zach Snyder yanks on the envelope? Bizarro Jerry - I think I will. I'm happy to help and proud to serve! (Bizarro Jerry marches over to the donkey and stands directly behind it. As he reaches over to hold it steady, Founder Matt pulls an air-horn out of his coat and presses the button. A loud, piercing noise blasts out of the horn, scaring the donkey and causing it to buck, kicking Bizarro Jerry right in the ribcage with its back legs. Jerry goes flying across the room, slamming into The Room of Privacy, which collapses. Founder Matt ALSO collapses, but it is because he is laughing so hard) Founder Matt - AH-HA-HA-HA!! I can't believe... he fell for that... AH-HA-HA-HA! He believed... all that junk... ha-ha-ha-ha... about humanity... hee-hee-hee! That donkey kicked him right in the chest! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! I'll bet both his lungs are collapsed! Oh, mercy! (Founder Matt sits up, still chuckling, but trying to compose himself) My stars. I'm so glad I already emptied my bladder on The Room of Privacy or I'd have wet myself just now. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life. (Happy Rabbit wanders over to where Bizarro Jerry is laying and grabs his wrist) Happy Rabbit - I don't feel a pulse. I think that donkey might have killed him. Founder Matt - (holds up his hand) No, please. Stop. You're gonna get me started laughing again. Zach Snyder - If anyone is interested, I got the envelope off the donkey. (Everyone gathers around except Bizarro Jerry, who slowly starts to regain consciousness, and Captain Science, who was in The Room of Privacy when it was knocked over and is trying to dig himself out of the wreckage) Zach Snyder - (reading) Dear Everybody Agrees contestants. Because you are not capable of agreeing in an everybody kind of way, we decided to let someone else make the decision for you. This is the Decision Donkey. The Decision Donkey will... (Zach looks up) What the hell is that idiot doing over there? (He points at Founder Matt, who is standing on the debris of The Room of Privacy talking to the video camera) Founder Matt - (to the camera) I'm going to tell them I have testicular cancer! But I don't! It's just a ploy to get them to vote for me! I'm so clever. And once I get that tasty cash... (he looks over at the contestants, who are all glaring at him) ... uh-oh. I think they're onto me. I'd better wrap this up. (he gives a thumbs-up to the camera) Wish me luck, America! (He turns away from the camera and walks back towards the group with his hand on his groin) Oh man! This testicular cancer is rough! You'd all better just give me the money so I can buy some cancer medicine! Happy Rabbit - Just ignore him. Zach, keep reading the letter. Zach Snyder - Ahem. (reading) The Decision Donkey will observe your actions and then decide who he likes best. Once he makes his decision, that contestant will win the remaining money on the tote-board. You would all be wise to be nice to the Decision Donkey, for he holds your fate in his hooves. Sincerely, Tom Yappy. CPPres - Great. It's not bad enough I have to be stuck in a bunker with you people, but now I have to kiss a donkey's ass. (he pauses and rubs his chin) Wait, is that a joke. I think there might be a joke in there somewhere. Zach Snyder - How are we supposed to make a donkey vote for us? It doesn't make any sense! What does a donkey like? (The Donkey looks over at The Chicken. Their eyes meet. Mooshy romantic music plays. The screen goes blank and a title card comes up which reads: DUE TO THE DISTURBING NATURE OF THE FOLLOWING SCENE, THE PRODUCERS HAVE CHOSEN TO NOT AIR THE PICTURE. HOWEVER, WE WILL GO AHEAD AND AIR THE SOUND) (The collage of sounds we hear are very confusing. There are some horrified gasps from the on-lookers and a great deal of squawking and braying. Also, "Let's Get It On" is very distinctly playing the background. After about thirty seconds of this, the screen goes black again. Another title card saying "EPILOGUE" appears on the screen, followed by this text: - The Chicken was the winner of "Everybody Agrees". He won $31. - The Donkey thought he was going to spend his life with The Chicken, but The Chicken only slept with The Donkey to win the money. - The Donkey's heart is broken. - Doctor's say Bizarro Jerry will live. They credit his gigantic muscles with saving his life, as they took the majority of the impact. When asked to make a statement, all Jerry had to say was, "God bless steroids!" - "Everybody Agrees" did not get picked up by a network. Therefore, Tom Yappy did not get paid. - Nobody bought any copies of the "Everybody Agrees" DVD, but we did get several inquires about the coke - Dr. Sam Beckett never returned home

"Everybody Agrees" is a F.M. Flutterbunny Production
in association with Imagine Entertainment

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